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Romeo and Juliet--A Parody
Author's note: I wrote this as a final assignment for our Romeo and Juliet novel study in English. I hope people will help me by giving me a bit of constructive criticism about plot, pacing, writing technique, dialogue, etc.
The man appeared in the middle of Main Street, wearing a doublet, breeches and a long flowing cloak. He seemed not to know where he was, but the expression of wonder on his face marked him as a tourist.
“What wondrous place didst that alchemist bring me to?” he said, talking to no one in particular.
There were glowing lights all along the street, which the man was transfixed by. It was dusk, but the streetlights were already on. In the glow of the setting sun, the man saw a young woman and a young man walking toward a house.
“Ah, what a fair maiden and a fine young man. They seem merry, but I sense an impending doom upon them. A star-cross’d love will interrupt their happiness, without a doubt.” He smiled. “T’will make a wondrous story, to be sure. I must follow them.”
“I love you Juliet.” Paris reached out to hold my hand and smiled.
“I love you too Paris.” I took my hand away. “But we’re going to be visiting my dad, so it would be a good idea not to hold hands. He might get the wrong idea.”
He sighed. “Of course. But if he lets you go to the dance, then he has to know we’re going to be holding hands while we dance.”
“Yes, but we need to make a good impression. We’re lucky he’s even letting me date.”
I knocked on the door to my house and my dad came to the door, holding the shotgun that he usually reserved for hunting. Paris stiffened beside me and a deer-caught-in-headlights look appeared on his face. I wasn’t scared in the least; I was furious.
“Dad, what’re you doing?”
“I’m making sure your boyfriend knows what will happen if he breaks your heart.”
“Dad, Paris is a fine young man. Would you rather I date some loser covered in tattoos and piercings?”
“No, but that doesn’t mean he’s good enough for you.” Dad casually loaded the gun.
“All we want to do is go to the dance! There’s going to be tons of chaperones; you can even come if you want to.”
“I’m not going to the dance and neither are you. Now, young man, you will leave or you will have your backside filled with rock salt and bacon rind.”
Paris lost his resolve; he turned and fled into the street. I knew he would text me and apologize later, but I was still mad.
“Dad! Now you’ve scared him away. We just wanted to go to the dance!”
“You’re not going anywhere with any guy, Juliet. Especially not that loser.”
“There’s nothing wrong with Paris! I love him, Dad.” I sighed. “I was really looking forward to going to the dance with him.”
“Well, you’re not going to the dance. Go to your room!”
“This isn’t fair,” I muttered, heading up to my room.
As soon as I was in my room, I texted Paris, saying I was going to the dance anyway and I would meet him there. He knew I was sneaking out, but he said it was fine and he would see me there. My dad was antisocial; he wouldn’t find out from anyone I had gone to the dance anyway.
I fixed my hair, then waited for my dad to go up to bed. He had been working all day at the office and he always went up to bed early. It was about 7:30 when he headed to bed, which was perfect because the dance started at 8:00.
I crept down the hallway past my dad’s room. He was talking in his sleep again, muttering about his rival, Mr. Montague. When I got to the door, I thought I heard footsteps coming down the hall and froze. All I could hear was the sound of my own heartbeat thudding loudly in my chest. I counted to thirty, then opened the door and set off toward the town hall, where the dance was.
The whole time I was walking to the hall, I had the odd feeling someone was watching me. But every time I turned around to see if someone was there, all I could see was an empty street. The wind was a bit chilly; I crossed my arms and trudged on, heading for the dance and Paris.
Paris was waiting for me with open arms. I fell into his embrace, smiling.
“I’m so glad you snuck out. I know how strict your dad is.”
“It’s okay; I really wanted to come here.”
We went into the dance and Paris paid my entrance fee as well as his own. Almost everyone in the village was at the dance; there were even a few people from out of town there as well.
Paris and I danced together until I said I was thirsty and needed some water. He nobly volunteered to go and get some for me, so I went over to talk to my friends.
“That cute guy over there keeps watching you, Juliet.”
“What cute guy?” I looked around, searching for who Cat was talking about.
“That one over there, the one with those nice dark eyes and the brown hair. Juliet, he’s coming over here!”
“I don’t care; I’m dating Paris, Cat.”
“So? That doesn’t mean you can’t talk to any other guys.” Cat saw the guy heading directly for me and ran off, wanting to give me some privacy.
“I’m so glad to meet you.” The guy stopped right in front of me and stared. “You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.”
“Um…Thank you.” He started to move closer to me, but I stepped back. “Who are you?”
“Romeo Montague. What’s your name?”
“Juliet Capulet.” I looked around, searching for an excuse to leave. Paris was walking toward us, looking furious at Romeo. “That’s my boyfriend.”
I started to walk off, but Romeo grabbed my arm and pulled me close. He was going to kiss me when I slapped him across his left cheek and shook my arm to get rid of him. Paris hurried over, but Romeo was long gone before.
“Juliet, who was that guy?”
“Just some creep who tried to kiss me.”
“Well, I brought you some water.” He handed me a bottle of water and smiled. “Do you want to dance again?”
“I thought you’d never ask.” I took a sip of water, then let Paris lead me onto the dance floor.
“Ah, how much better would this story be if they were immediately attracted to each other.”
The strange man had found himself some modern clothes in a garbage can and had snuck into the dance to watch Juliet. He was utterly transfixed by the bodies gyrating to the music on the dance floor. The notebook and pen he found on the ground fascinated him as well; they were so much easier to write with than a quill and parchment.
“Please, tell me your number.”
“Listen, Romeo, I have a boyfriend and I’m in a perfectly happy relationship. I’m not giving my number to a complete stranger who keeps stalking me!”
“But I have fallen in love. When I saw you, it was love at first sight. Please, tell me.”
“Fine! Here’s my number.” I took the pen he was offering and scribbled it onto his arm. “Now leave me alone.”
“Are you okay? Why’s that guy following you?” Paris ran over to me, seeing that Romeo had been talking to me.
“It’s fine; he’s just a creep. I think I got rid of him for good.”
I was lying, but I wasn’t about to admit to Paris that I had given another guy my number. He would be annoyed and I didn’t want anything to spoil my evening. Paris and I were sitting at one of the tables and even over the music I could hear two people having a shouting match.
“You’re leaving me? We’ve been together for two months already!” a girl yelled.
I whirled around in my seat to see Romeo and another girl, standing barely ten feet away on the dance floor. They both looked angry.
“I don’t love you anymore. I met someone else!”
“How could you do this to me?”
“Rosaline, please understand.”
“No, just leave me alone. I never want to see you again!”
Rosaline stormed off, but Romeo didn’t bother to follow her. He turned around and stared straight at me. What was his problem?
My evening was fairly good, considering Romeo kept following Paris and I. He was never more than five feet away, which was creepy enough. But when he tried to follow me into the ladies’ washroom, I took out my cell phone and called the police.
“Please help me! This guy named Romeo Montague, the son of my dad’s business rival, keeps stalking me. He’s been following me all evening and he just tried to follow me into the ladies’ washroom. It’s Juliet Capulet calling.”
“I’ll send an officer immediately.”
“Juliet? Sweet Juliet, where are you?”
Romeo had followed me into the washroom! I ran into a stall and locked it, hoping he wouldn’t be crazy enough to try and break down the door. He knocked on the door and said,
“I know you’re in there Juliet. Why are you running from destiny? We are meant to be together!”
“No, we’re not. Go away! I’ve already called the cops.”
My timing was perfect because before Romeo had a chance to reply, a voice said,
“Hold it right there! You’re under arrest.”
I came out of the stall in time to see Romeo run out the door, right past the cop. The cop drew his gun and ran after him, yelling that he was only making the situation worse for himself. I shook my head and walked out of the washroom. Paris was waiting for me, a look of concern on his face.
“Juliet are you okay?” He hugged me tightly.
“I’m fine; the cops will take care of him.” I smiled shakily. “Come on, the DJ said this was the last song.”
Paris smiled and led me out onto the dance floor for the last song. The whole time we were dancing, my phone kept vibrating. Someone was texting me constantly but I definitely didn’t want to spoil the last dance by replying. I thought they would get the message, but they kept texting me even after the dance was over and I was on my way home.
Curious as to the identity of the person, I flipped open my phone and saw that I had forty-two new text messages. All from the same sender: Romeo Montague.
I love you.
Every single message said exactly the same thing: I love you. When did he have time to send me those texts? Surely the cops had caught him by now!
The mysterious stranger followed Juliet as she walked home, scribbling furiously in his notebook. The boy named Romeo had caught his eye and he loved the idea of children from rival families falling in love.
“Two households, both alike in dignity,” He muttered as he wrote in the notebook. “Yes, they shall be rivals but their children should love each other deeply. The rivalry of their family shall bring about the star-cross’d lovers doom.”
Check local news. Lover boy is on.
I got the text from Cat as soon as I blocked Romeo’s number from my phone. What on earth was she talking about? Paris couldn’t be on the news; he had just texted me to say goodnight.
I turned on the little TV in my room, flipping to the local news channel. When I saw what the latest news story was, I dropped the remote and gaped at the TV.
There was a high speed car chase in progress out on Highway 5 and it was none other than Romeo Montague that the cops were chasing. He was speeding away in a black Cadillac (probably a gift from his rich dad) that the cops were struggling to keep up to. The reporter stated the chase had reached top speeds of 150 kilometres per hour, despite the awful roads here. At that speed, it was a miracle no one had crashed yet.
Suddenly Romeo lost control of his car and it hit a guardrail. I watched in amazement as the car flipped end over end twice before skidding and coming to a rest almost a hundred feet from the highway. The cops were out of their vehicles running to the car to see if he had survived the crash. But before they could reach the car, Romeo squeezed through a broken window and ran off into the woods. It was amazing he was alive, let alone still running from the cops.
Haha. Very funny Cat.
I texted Cat before I shut off my phone for the night. Her sense of humour was definitely not the same as mine, at least not right now. Oh well, she would bug me for a week about it, then forget about it altogether. With that comforting thought, I drifted off to sleep with a smile on my face.
I awoke to a strange tapping sound. There would be one tap, a short pause and then another tap. It seemed to be coming from my window.
Reluctantly, I got out of bed and dragged my feet across the cold floor to the window. I looked to see if it was the thick oak tree’s branches tapping at the window, but the night was completely calm. Suddenly, a pebble hit the lower corner of my window. Puzzled, I opened it and looked down into the garden below.
“Anybody there?” I whispered out into the night.
“It’s Romeo, my love.” The voice came from the oak tree.
“What are you doing here? I called the cops on you before; I’ll do it again.” I reached to close the window, but Romeo scrambled to the end of the branch and held the window. “Let go or I’ll scream and wake up my dad. He’ll kill you; you’re Mr. Montague’s son.”
“If no longer being a Montague would make you love me, then I’ll give up my name.”
“Your name doesn’t matter to me, you’re a stalker whether you’re a Montague or not!”
“But sweet Juliet, it is written in the stars: Romeo and Juliet, a love for all time!”
“Ah, Romeo and Juliet are truly star-cross’d lovers.”
The stranger was lurking in the shrubs not five feet from the oak tree, writing everything down. Of course, he was taking a bit of creative license and only using the basic ideas from this event. Romeo visiting his love’s balcony after the party was the perfect demonstration of the fact he couldn’t get her off his mind.
“But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun!” he murmured as he scribbled the words in his notebook. “The beauty of the moon is pale in comparison to the beauty of Juliet; I can hardly blame Romeo for falling for her charms. But why does the lady not return his love?”
He wanted to give the lovers some privacy, but he also knew this would be a great inspiration for a new play. The tragedy of Romeo and Juliet would speak to the heartsick and the love-struck. It would be a great romance, one that would stand the test of time and become famous throughout the world.
“Go away. If you leave and I never see you again; I won’t tell the cops about this.”
“But why would I never want to see my love again?” His dark eyes seemed to be pleading with me. “Will you be my girlfriend?”
“No! I’m in a happy relationship with Paris; I don’t want to be your girlfriend.”
I tried to slam the window shut but Romeo held tightly onto it. I went back into my room to find something to throw at him. I had an empty flower pot on the floor (my poor flowers had died long ago because I forgot to water them) so I grabbed that and walked back to the window.
“I see it in your eyes; you love me as well. We could get married and run away from this place.”
“I don’t love you and we’re not getting married, Romeo.”
The branch he sat on was a bit lower than my window, so I held the flower pot above his head and casually dropped it. The flower pot broke over his head and he swore.
“My love, why would you do such a thing?”
“Leave me alone, you creep.”
The flower pot landing on his head didn’t seem to affect him much, but it did make him let go of my window. I quickly shut it and locked it. Who knew what he would try to do? He was obviously mentally ill; you had to feel sorry for him. But the more he stalked me, the less sympathy I had for him. At this point, my sympathy was almost nonexistent.
I went back to bed and tried to fall asleep, but I had the strange feeling that someone was watching me. For a while I kept rolling over, trying to find a comfortable spot, but I just couldn’t get to sleep. The feeling that someone was watching me was so overwhelming that I turned on the light and looked around my room. I almost screamed when I saw Romeo’s face looking in through my window.
When Romeo saw that I knew he was there, he scrambled down the oak tree and ran off, jumping and barely clearing the garden wall. I kept looking out my window for quite some time, sure that I had seen something in the shrubs move. After staring at the shrubs for almost an hour, I gave up and went back to bed, exhausted.
The stranger had spent a good half of the night in the shrubs, writing the romantic scene between Romeo and Juliet. He was so exhausted that he had fallen asleep in the shrubs and didn’t wake up until it was almost noon.
“Something exciting is afoot! I can sense it in the air. The waters of tension are boiling over and I sense a tragic outcome of today.”
“There is young Juliet and her friends; I must follow them. Doom is drawn to her beauty like a moth to a flame.”
“Why’re you so tired, Juliet?” Cat asked.
“I was up until midnight at the dance; then I didn’t fall asleep until four in the morning.”
“Were you thinking about the cute guy from the dance?”
“Don’t be stupid, Cat,” I snapped. “I just couldn’t get to sleep, that’s all.”
“Well, my dad says they still haven’t caught him.” Cat’s dad was a cop. “He must be good if he’s still on the run.”
“I hope they catch him; he’s probably severely mentally ill. He needs help.”
“And if you weren’t dating Paris you would have gone out with him, wouldn’t you?”
“No! Cat, he was stalking me. Get it through your head: I don’t like him!”
“Whatever you say.” Cat stopped abruptly and stared at the convenience store. “Look who’s coming this way.”
I squinted to see who she was looking at. “Miranda and Betty? What’s the big deal?”
“They made a fool of me in front of my boyfriend.”
“Calm down; you don’t really want to fight.” I tried to soothe her bad mood.
“Yes I do! They have to learn that they can’t get away with whatever they want.” She smiled briefly. “They’re heading right this way.”
“Let’s go, Cat.”
I grabbed her arm and tried to steer her away, but she stood firm. A vicious yet arrogant look was planted firmly on her features. There was no stopping her, not when she was in this mood.
“Hey Catherine, how’s your boyfriend?” Miranda, the shorter one asked. She knew full well Cat hated her full name.
“He’s doing fine, but he’d be a lot better if he didn’t have to see your ugly face every day.”
Miranda flew at Cat, ready to fight. But Cat was ready for her and she had taken three years of judo; she was more than a match for Miranda. In a matter of seconds, Miranda was on the ground and Cat didn’t even have her hair out of place. So much for a dramatic fight between two rivals.
The man was watching the whole scene from a spruce tree a few feet away. He scowled, disappointed in such behaviour from women. How much more exciting would it have been if it were men duelling each other!
“Juliet’s friend, this ‘Cat’, shall be called Tybalt. Tybalt, the king of cats!” he smiled and wrote it down.
“Oh, happy fortune! The love-stricken Romeo is coming this way.” He carefully climbed down from the tree to greet the young man. “Prithee, lad, what ails thee?”
The man furrowed his brow; this lad was a bit slow. “You are a love-stricken lad with nothing to look forward to here. Pray, come with me and be a part of my great tragedy called ‘Romeo and Juliet.’ My theatre performs plays for the Queen herself!”
“Sure, I’ll come with you.” He sighed. “Anything is better than sticking around here with the cops after me.”
So the two men went back to where the stranger had appeared just the other night.
“What’s your name, by the way?” Romeo asked the man.
“Shakespeare. William Shakespeare.”
Juliet and Paris dated for many years to come and eventually got married after Juliet graduated from university with a degree in English literature. Cat, her best friend went on to become a martial arts instructor and thoroughly enjoyed her work. Juliet’s father succeeded in surpassing Mr. Montague and became the owner of a very successful business that made costumes for movie companies.
Shakespeare returned to his own time with Romeo and wrote the epic tragedy ‘Romeo and Juliet.’ Romeo performed in the play as himself and often moved the audience to tears. He became a favourite of Queen Elizabeth I and lived a long, happy life in medieval London.