Romeo and Juliet--A Parody
Author's note: I wrote this as a final assignment for our Romeo and Juliet novel study in English. I hope... Show full author's note »
Star Cross'd LoversThe man appeared in the middle of Main Street, wearing a doublet, breeches and a long flowing cloak. He seemed not to know where he was, but the expression of wonder on his face marked him as a tourist.
“What wondrous place didst that alchemist bring me to?” he said, talking to no one in particular.
There were glowing lights all along the street, which the man was transfixed by. It was dusk, but the streetlights were already on. In the glow of the setting sun, the man saw a young
“Ah, what a fair maiden and a fine young man. They seem merry, but I sense an impending doom upon them. A star-cross’d love will interrupt their happiness, without a doubt.” He smiled. “T’will make a wondrous story, to be sure. I must follow them.”
“I love you Juliet.” Paris reached out to hold my hand and smiled.
“I love you too Paris.” I took my hand away. “But we’re going to be visiting my dad, so it would be a good idea not to hold hands. He might get the wrong idea.”
He sighed. “Of course. But if he lets you go to the dance, then he has to know we’re going to be holding hands while we dance.”
“Yes, but we need to make a good impression. We’re lucky he’s even letting me date.”
I knocked on the door to my house and my dad came to the door, holding the shotgun that he usually reserved for hunting. Paris stiffened beside me and a deer-caught-in-headlights look appeared on his face. I wasn’t scared in the least; I was furious.
“Dad, what’re you doing?”
“I’m making sure your boyfriend knows what will happen if he breaks your heart.”
“Dad, Paris is a fine young man. Would you rather I date some loser covered in tattoos and piercings?”
“No, but that doesn’t mean he’s good enough for you.” Dad casually loaded the gun.
“All we want to do is go to the dance! There’s going to be tons of chaperones; you can even come if you want to.”
“I’m not going to the dance and neither are you. Now, young man, you will leave or you will have your backside filled with rock salt and bacon rind.”
Paris lost his resolve; he turned and fled into the street. I knew he would text me and apologize later, but I was still mad.
“Dad! Now you’ve scared him away. We just wanted to go to the dance!”
“You’re not going anywhere with any guy, Juliet. Especially not that loser.”
“There’s nothing wrong with Paris! I love him, Dad.” I sighed. “I was really looking forward to going to the dance with him.”
“Well, you’re not going to the dance. Go to your room!”
“This isn’t fair,” I muttered, heading up to my room.
As soon as I was in my room, I texted Paris, saying I was going to the dance anyway and I would meet him there. He knew I was sneaking out, but he said it was fine and he would see me there. My dad was antisocial; he wouldn’t find out from anyone I had gone to the dance anyway.
I fixed my hair, then waited for my dad to go up to bed. He had been working all day at the office and he always went up to bed early. It was about 7:30 when he headed to bed, which was perfect because the dance started at 8:00.
I crept down the hallway past my dad’s room. He was talking in his sleep again, muttering about his rival, Mr. Montague. When I got to the door, I thought I heard footsteps coming down the hall and froze. All I could hear was the sound of my own heartbeat thudding loudly in my chest. I counted to thirty, then opened the door and set off toward the town hall, where the dance was.
The whole time I was walking to the hall, I had the odd feeling someone was watching me. But every time I turned around to see if someone was there, all I could see was an empty street. The wind was a bit chilly; I crossed my arms and trudged on, heading for the dance and Paris.
Paris was waiting for me with open arms. I fell into his embrace, smiling.
“I’m so glad you snuck out. I know how strict your dad is.”
“It’s okay; I really wanted to come here.”
We went into the dance and Paris paid my entrance fee as well as his own. Almost everyone in the village was at the dance; there were even a few people from out of town there as well.
Paris and I danced together until I said I was thirsty and needed some water. He nobly volunteered to go and get some for me, so I went over to talk to my friends.
“That cute guy over there keeps watching you, Juliet.”
“What cute guy?” I looked around, searching for who Cat was talking about.
“That one over there, the one with those nice dark eyes and the brown hair. Juliet, he’s coming over here!”
“I don’t care; I’m dating Paris, Cat.”
“So? That doesn’t mean you can’t talk to any other guys.” Cat saw the guy heading directly for me and ran off, wanting to give me some privacy.
“I’m so glad to meet you.” The guy stopped right in front of me and stared. “You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.”
“Um…Thank you.” He started to move closer to me, but I stepped back. “Who are you?”
“Romeo Montague. What’s your name?”
“Juliet Capulet.” I looked around, searching for an excuse to leave. Paris was walking toward us, looking furious at Romeo. “That’s my boyfriend.”
I started to walk off, but Romeo grabbed my arm and pulled me close. He was going to kiss me when I slapped him across his left cheek and shook my arm to get rid of him. Paris hurried over, but Romeo was long gone before.
“Juliet, who was that guy?”
“Just some creep who tried to kiss me.”
“Well, I brought you some water.” He handed me a bottle of water and smiled. “Do you want to dance again?”
“I thought you’d never ask.” I took a sip of water, then let Paris lead me onto the dance floor.
“Ah, how much better would this story be if they were immediately attracted to each other.”
The strange man had found himself some modern clothes in a garbage can and had snuck into the dance to watch Juliet. He was utterly transfixed by the bodies gyrating to the music on the dance floor. The notebook and pen he found on the ground fascinated him as well; they were so much easier to write with than a quill and parchment.
“Please, tell me your number.”
“Listen, Romeo, I have a boyfriend and I’m in a perfectly happy relationship. I’m not giving my number to a complete stranger who keeps stalking me!”
“But I have fallen in love. When I saw you, it was love at first sight. Please, tell me.”
“Fine! Here’s my number.” I took the pen he was offering and scribbled it onto his arm. “Now leave me alone.”
“Are you okay? Why’s that guy following you?” Paris ran over to me, seeing that Romeo had been talking to me.
“It’s fine; he’s just a creep. I think I got rid of him for good.”
I was lying, but I wasn’t about to admit to Paris that I had given another guy my number. He would be annoyed and I didn’t want anything to spoil my evening. Paris and I were sitting at one of the tables and even over the music I could hear two people having a shouting match.
“You’re leaving me? We’ve been together for two months already!” a girl yelled.
I whirled around in my seat to see Romeo and another girl, standing barely ten feet away on the dance floor. They both looked angry.
“I don’t love you anymore. I met someone else!”
“How could you do this to me?”
“Rosaline, please understand.”
“No, just leave me alone. I never want to see you again!”
Rosaline stormed off, but Romeo didn’t bother to follow her. He turned around and stared straight at me. What was his problem?
My evening was fairly good, considering Romeo kept following Paris and I. He was never more than five feet away, which was creepy enough. But when he tried to follow me into the ladies’ washroom, I took out my cell phone and called the police.
“Please help me! This guy named Romeo Montague, the son of my dad’s business rival, keeps stalking me. He’s been following me all evening and he just tried to follow me into the ladies’ washroom. It’s Juliet Capulet calling.”
“I’ll send an officer immediately.”
“Juliet? Sweet Juliet, where are you?”
Romeo had followed me into the washroom! I ran into a stall and locked it, hoping he wouldn’t be crazy enough to try and break down the door. He knocked on the door and said,
“I know you’re in there Juliet. Why are you running from destiny? We are meant to be together!”
“No, we’re not. Go away! I’ve already called the cops.”
My timing was perfect because before Romeo had a chance to reply, a voice said,
“Hold it right there! You’re under arrest.”
I came out of the stall in time to see Romeo run out the door, right past the cop. The cop drew his gun and ran after him, yelling that he was only making the situation worse for himself. I shook my head and walked out of the washroom. Paris was waiting for me, a look of concern on his face.
“Juliet are you okay?” He hugged me tightly.
“I’m fine; the cops will take care of him.” I smiled shakily. “Come on, the DJ said this was the last song.”
Paris smiled and led me out onto the dance floor for the last song. The whole time we were dancing, my phone kept vibrating. Someone was texting me constantly but I definitely didn’t want to spoil the last dance by replying. I thought they would get the message, but they kept texting me even after the dance was over and I was on my way home.
Curious as to the identity of the person, I flipped open my phone and saw that I had forty-two new text messages. All from the same sender: Romeo Montague.
I love you.
Every single message said exactly the same thing: I love you. When did he have time to send me those texts? Surely the cops had caught him by now!
The mysterious stranger followed Juliet as she walked home, scribbling furiously in his notebook. The boy named Romeo had caught his eye and he loved the idea of children from rival families falling in love.
“Two households, both alike in dignity,” He muttered as he wrote in the notebook. “Yes, they shall be rivals but their children should love each other deeply. The rivalry of their family shall bring about the star-cross’d lovers doom.”
Check local news. Lover boy is on.
I got the text from Cat as soon as I blocked Romeo’s number from my phone. What on earth was she talking about? Paris couldn’t be on the news; he had just texted me to say goodnight.
I turned on the little TV in my room, flipping to the local news channel. When I saw what the latest news story was, I dropped the remote and gaped at the TV.
There was a high speed car chase in progress out on Highway 5 and it was none other than Romeo Montague that the cops were chasing. He was speeding away in a black Cadillac (probably a gift from his rich dad) that the cops were struggling to keep up to. The reporter stated the chase had reached top speeds of 150 kilometres per hour, despite the awful roads here. At that speed, it was a miracle no one had crashed yet.
Suddenly Romeo lost control of his car and it hit a guardrail. I watched in amazement as the car flipped end over end twice before skidding and coming to a rest almost a hundred feet from the highway. The cops were out of their vehicles running to the car to see if he had survived the crash. But before they could reach the car, Romeo squeezed through a broken window and ran off into the woods. It was amazing he was alive, let alone still running from the cops.
Haha. Very funny Cat.
I texted Cat before I shut off my phone for the night. Her sense of humour was definitely not the same as mine, at least not right now. Oh well, she would bug me for a week about it, then forget about it altogether. With that comforting thought, I drifted off to sleep with a smile on my face.