Starving for love and craving affection

March 12, 2011
By marchbutterfly GOLD, Orange, New Jersey
marchbutterfly GOLD, Orange, New Jersey
18 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
"When you play God, you get screwed."


Summary:

3 years ago Brian was diagnosed with anorexia. Everyone around him was shocked, especially his two best friends: Chelsea and Maya. From that day on Maya and Chelsea made it their sole mission to help Brian overcome his eating disorder.

But now things are more complicated. Chelsea has always had feeling for Brian but lately he's all she can think about. To make things worse Chelsea is harboring a secret. She has been struggling with an eating disorder for longer than Brian.


Juanica B.

Starving for love and craving affection


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This book has 12 comments.


on Jan. 15 2013 at 4:01 pm
Apollo77 PLATINUM, Brunswick, Ohio
20 articles 0 photos 103 comments

Favorite Quote:
"All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.”
"Madame, all stories, if continued far enough, end in death, and he is no true-story teller who would keep that from you."
-Ernest Hemingway

I like it. It took a while to get into, but the characters are pretty okay. I think the action moves too fast and the dialogue is right near the brink to cheesy. Also, I would like a little more background at the beginning. I'm starting to think it may have been more successful in first person so that you don't have to keep saying "Chelsea said, then Maya said, then Brian replied." it's too many names to keep tossing around. also, a little more description might have broken up the sentences a little and made it easier to get into. Over all I like the story and it's well written. Good job!

on Jan. 15 2013 at 10:36 am
GuardianoftheStars GOLD, Shongaloo, Louisiana
17 articles 0 photos 495 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Let's tell young people the best books are yet to be written; the best painting, the best government, the best of everything is yet to be done by them."
-John Erslcine

Your writing skills are good and you've thrown in an anorexic boy (which as far as I know really aren't as talked about as girls with this problem).  There are some grammar corrections you should look into, but as for the story line I think you've got a good one.

IMSteel BRONZE said...
on Jan. 13 2013 at 7:11 pm
IMSteel BRONZE, Wallhala, South Carolina
2 articles 0 photos 128 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Learn from Yesterday, live for Today, hope for Tomorrow" - Albert Einstein

"Brevity is the Soul of Wit" - The Which

I don't really get into these kinds of stories, but as far as writing, it was pretty good. 

on Dec. 23 2012 at 6:54 pm
E.J.Mathews GOLD, International Falls, Minnesota
19 articles 2 photos 145 comments
Needless to say, the grammar, capitalization, and unrealistic dialog really subtracted from the overall quality of the story, but I'm sure you have gone over, and fixed it. It seemed to me like the story catered to one specific gender, which is never good. Try to focus a little more on Brain's thoughts so the girlyness isn't totally overwhelming. Now for some good news. I thought that the story sounded unique, and I really got into all of the drama. I think that if you combed over it a bit, you would have a masterpiece here!

on Aug. 1 2012 at 4:41 am
Pika_Princess, Escondido, California
0 articles 0 photos 118 comments

I really like the plotline and the ideas behind this story. It really is an interesting story and I hope you are planning on continuing it. 

Now some suggestions!

First, there are many typos and a few grammar mistakes, but it isn't anything too serious and I'm sure you can easily catch them when you read back through this.

Second, there are some places where the dialogue is a bit awkward and unrealistic, so maybe go through and read the dialogue once more and smooth out those statements.

Thirdly, you write this story in multiple POV's for all the characters and while that is not a bad thing necessairly, here it leads to confusion because each section/chapter will contain multiple POVs. Perhaps you should dedicate a chapter/section for each character and his/her POV.

I would love to know what happens next so keep on writing. Hope I helped!


on Mar. 18 2012 at 7:29 pm
futurenovelista SILVER, Staatsburg, New York
8 articles 0 photos 64 comments

Favorite Quote:
"But I being poor have only my dreams...I place my dreams at your feet. Tread softly for you tread on my dreams." -Yeats

I really liked it....had a little bit of trouble (just a teeny bit) reading the dialogue, but it was still very good. Keep up the good work. 

on Feb. 13 2012 at 12:31 am
AngelsLullaby GOLD, Neverland, Idaho
12 articles 7 photos 95 comments

Favorite Quote:
Music is a higher revelation from wisdom and philosophy. ~Ludwig Von Beethoven

It was good but the dialogue was a little difficult to understand. 4/5 stars

storm459 said...
on Dec. 4 2011 at 6:13 am
So much drama. This is so good.

on Jun. 19 2011 at 3:29 pm
marchbutterfly GOLD, Orange, New Jersey
18 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
"When you play God, you get screwed."

I finally fixed the formatting. The story is now easer to read. Sorry for the inconvenience.

on Apr. 2 2011 at 1:09 pm
Anonymousme GOLD, San Antonio, Texas
15 articles 2 photos 64 comments

Favorite Quote:
John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son so whoever believes in hill will not die but have eternal life.

Dreams are what make us who we are, a life without dreams is like a life without air.

I like it, but it hurts my eyes too much to read it because it isn't spaced properly in paragraphs and the dialouge isn't spaced properly either. If you had that straightened out I would be able to read it. I am really sad...

...that I have to give this story up.


PJD17 SILVER said...
on Mar. 26 2011 at 5:11 pm
PJD17 SILVER, Belleville, Illinois
8 articles 0 photos 624 comments

Favorite Quote:
I do the best imatation of myself- Ben Folds

Great story keep writing  could you please check out and comment on my story Manso's Shame  i would really appreciate the feedback

on Mar. 14 2011 at 4:17 pm
rainbowwaffles BRONZE, Stony Brook, New York
2 articles 0 photos 89 comments

I like it so far. :) I hope you post more soon; you left it at a total cliffhanger!!

The dialogue was kind of hard to understand near the end (in terms of who was talking) especially since each time a person spoke, you didn't start a new line. It didn't make it impossible to read, though.

Keep writing!

Maybe you could check out my realistic fiction novel, The Formation, and let me know what you think? Thanks :)





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