Something Lost

March 1, 2018
By JaderBug BRONZE, Council Bluffs, Iowa, Iowa
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JaderBug BRONZE, Council Bluffs, Iowa, Iowa
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Author's note:

I love how can relate to other people.

That's all it took for me to loose him 1 second, I would’ve stayed home if I knew it meant he was gonna be safe. After the accident I could never imagine myself going through that again, the heartbreak, the sleepless nights. When you live your life you don’t think of the bad things that could happen until they do. This time it was for real and I was the cause, here is the sad and truthful outlook on what happened to me.
                                                    
     I was outside with my best friend at his house, which is always the best, because we never really hangout and he made me feel invincible. Jasper looks deep in my eyes like he's trying to find something, then I realized his soft lips were on mine, I try to pull away but can’t find the strength. When we do pull away he looks at me and smiles “I’ve been wanting to do that forever” I smile back because I have to, I mean come on we have been best friends for eighteen years. We both sit there and just sit and stare at the stars wishing we could be there and not here, and take in the moment forever. Knowing him for so long I know everything about him, he doesn’t like to drink much, he’s very close with his mom and I was his only friend growing up, he didn’t really like socializing with other people he didn’t know.


   I get this vibration from my phone so I decided to answer “Hey we got some drinks wanna meet up?” I didn’t know what to say because normally we don’t talk unless our mom makes us. Knowing my sister it’s hard to tell her she’s wrong, so I respond as if were close “I guess but only for a drink, and I mean it I’ll meet you at sugars in 20 minutes.” I don’t hear anything but giggles for a second “Ok *hiccup* cool” I think she started without me. “Hey Jasper my sister wants to get a drink with me, so I will see you tomorrow same time?” he doesn’t respond at first, but then he smiles gently and says “Yep same time” I give him a kiss on the cheek and grab my keys and leave. On the way there I couldn’t stop thinking how close me and my sister used to be, but I can’t help the past I can only help the future. My mom used to yell at us and tell us
“There is gonna be a day where you will need each other more than you ever have before.”
                                                       
I went to meet up with my friends, we had showed up to this awesome party with loud music booming in the background. We were offered some drinks and the night pretty much took off from there, at first we just started off with a couple drinks and next thing we are all blacked out drunk dancing like idiots out on the dance floor. My sister wanted to hit up another house party so her, and her friends and I pile into her car. She's driving and I suddenly realize what we had just decided to do, drunk drive over to the other side of town, I’m extremely worried at this point because she keeps laughing and dozing off. There was a loud crash into another car, I couldn’t see who the other driver was. Next thing I know I’m past out in the passenger's seat, but I hear a loud ringing in my ears when I wake up, I slowly lift my head up and I could think ow this hurts, I look around to see my sister bleeding and bruises on her friends Karla and Zoey. I try to get out but it hurts, I eventually get out and I can just see Jasper on the ground, laying there lifeless. I have never ran so fast in my life I started coughing. “Jasper Jasper wake up, come on don’t do this to me” yelling and crying so loud my sister walks up to me, “Omg we need help” she says quietly. I fall to my knees, which hurts but I don’t care, because I put someone I love in danger because how reckless we were. I can hear ambulances about a mile away I try waking him up but it’s not working, he’s breathing but slow enough it’s hard to hear and heart so slow barley a beat. A minute goes by and I can’t hear anything.

“Hi my name is doctor James, and I was just in surgery with Jasper Colin he seems to have TBI known as a severe injury to the brain and puts clitical damage to speech, vision, memory and emotional control.” He speaks to me like he’s talking to a little girl. I’m not in pain physically, but mentally I’m in so much pain I can’t even explain how this feels to know you put someone's life in danger due to your actions. I sit blankly at the ceiling then look back at the doctor standing right in front of me. “Can I see him?” I say knowing my answer to my own question, “Let’s try waiting until he wakes up if he does we’ll let you know ok?” I nod my head. Sitting in the plain hospital chairs with brown armrests, the room is beige and seems small and there is one clock that ticks 1 minute to fast. I watch the clock and count beats until I see the white wood door open, but when I look up it’s not the doctor it’s his mom with pale blue eyes and skin so white it looks like somebody just told her that her son is dying. I walk up to her and she just starts crying into my shoulder I hug her so tight every bone in my body tensed, while watching the door. “Hey honey how are you doing?” I don’t know if I could answer the question, because I don’t think I’m doing ok, throughout my life I have never experienced my best friend, my lover and the one person who understands me to be laying in a bed with a choice of life and death. I don’t want to make her upset “Yeah it’s hard seeing him like that you know?” she looks at me because she knows exactly what I’m talking about.

Short hours later I get a call from my mom and for my sake I take a deep breath and answer. “Hey mom” I don’t know what else to say after having something so scary happen to me, “Hey honey I know you’re having a rough night so I want you to come home for the night so I know your safe.” I had nothing to say because nobody knows how much I wanted to yell at her and tell her that what about Jasper was he safe in the hospital bed where anything could happen. “Ok but I can’t move mom I can’t help knowing how bad I hurt my best friend and put him through pain” she doesn’t answer and that is the first time I have never heard my mom for a couple seconds. “Honey this hurts me knowing your in pain and you can’t do anything to help but stand back and watch.” I tell her I will be on my way but I have to see Jasper first, so I walk over to the room he was in and for the first time in forever I felt otta place, like I was not supposed to be there. Seeing him lay there with all these cords and tubes attached all I could do at the moment was grab the chair next to me and watch how peaceful he looks laying there. I whisper so quiet nobody could hear me, but myself. I grab his arm and in that moment I couldn’t move I move forward and lay my head on the edge of the bed and start crying so bad to the point where my face hurts and my tears start to seep into my face. I wake up a little bit later with four missed calls from my mom and two from my dad and a long text from my sister. I call everyone back and tell them I just got caught up sleeping on the edge of Jaspers bed and lost time. I compose myself and look over to my right and hear loud beeping so loud anyone could hear it from a distance, this is all so real now and I can’t believe it and I think something is wrong. Running so fast isn’t the best thing for my body, but I couldn’t do anything else I run so hard I fall and get right back up. A nurse sees me fall and grabs me to help me up and puts me in a wheelchair “I told you this isn’t anything to worry about” I told her something is wrong with my friend and there is loud beeping “I’ll get someone to go check on him but for now I need you to stay calm.

“Hope can you hear me, honey can you move at all?” those are the last words I hear before I past out. When I open my eyes again I see my mom on a recliner my dad next to me and my sister laying on the couch and the last person I see is Jasper's mom walk into the room. She looks at me with a face I know very well, that’s when tears start pouring down my face like a smooth salty stream of water. All of the sudden people rush to my side and ask what was wrong “He’s dead isn’t he, come on tell me he’s dead! You don’t have to lie and give me excuses” I look at her with the weepiest eyes ever. “Yes Hope he passed away this morning when you went to get help, it’s not your fault ok you did the right thing” how can she lie to me she knows we knew what we were doing. I get up and rip the IV out of my arm and start running and tears just coming to the point it blurred my vision. “Stop Hope you could hurt yourself” I didn’t care because we hurt someone else I should have said something to my sister but I kept quiet in the backseat and didn’t say anything. Look what happened, something nobody expected. My dad finds me and grabs me and hugs tighter than ever before and I have never felt this close to him, but I can’t stop crying the tears just keep streaming down my face. I try to get over that he’s gone and we can’t do anything about it, but I can’t. The day is almost over and I’m grateful, I just need sleep and some food to get me through the rest of the night.

I wake up with dried tears on my face and my hair in a curly crazy bun, I feel comfortable so I look around and I’m in my room, but when I look down and I’m in Jaspers favorite hoodie. I couldn’t remember what happened the night before except when my dad found me lying on the floor lonely and curled up in a ball crying softly to myself. It smells like he wore it yesterday, which I know he didn’t because I look next to me and sitting on top of my nightstand is a note that reads “Hey hope I know what your going through losing your best friend and your love it’s been hard for me too, I know that this will get better, because Jasper wouldn’t want us to walk around with sadness on our faces. Honey I know you can’t explain how you feel and I get it and I don’t expect you to. I just wanna make sure your ok physically even though I know mentally your just not there yet but you will, here is Jasper's favorite hoodie because I know you would've wanted it and he would’ve wanted you to have it to. Love second mom” I could feel the tears starting right back up. My cheeks are red and my head hurts, I soon get up and walk over to my shower to wash away last nights tears.

I walk in to my bathroom and get in the shower and just let the warm water pour over me, letting the water pour all over my face and my breath so breathless . I do think it’s my fault, who else I’m I supposed to blame, the night it happened so fast. I shouldn’t of gone to that party, why did I listen to my sister? why couldn’t I stay with him? All these questions and I didn’t have an answer to one. It’s almost four went I get out, where has time gone, I couldn’t figure out why I feel so lost. I put my hair up and grab shorts and a tank top and head out the door, which I think I really needed. Jogging is what I needed, I blast my music and go to the park where I met Jasper three nights before he died and before I went to the party. The memories start racing through my head like nascar, but I hold those memories close to my heart and never let go.



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