January 24, 2018
By cierramaire, Erie , Pennsylvania
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cierramaire, Erie , Pennsylvania
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Favorite Quote:
It could be worse.

Author's note:

All the teen pregnancies in my City 

It started like any other day my alarm went off at 6:45 am I could hear my dad singing in the shower and my little sister yelling for my mom to help her find her shoes for dance practice. I got up and got dressed I grabbed a granola bar and my book bag and headed out the door with my mom yelling behind me “Don’t forget you have a doctor’s appointment after school so no later than 3:45 Ashlyn. I just rolled my eyes and kept walking I could see Lyla and Katie at the bus stop with my boyfriend Tommy. “Hey guys “I said “oh hey Ash did you hear about Kelsey and Roger?” No what about them I said “Kelsey Is pregnant “No way that’s crazy her life is ruined I wonder what she is going to do “Who knows she switched schools according to Roger though” The school day went like any other first math then science study hall lunch and then gym class I started feeling sick during gym class and went to the nurse’s office feeling nauseas. Nurse Janet asked if I could possibly be pregnant and of course I said “THERE IS NO WAY!” Well honey I think it might be safe if you took a pregnancy test and I called your parents to let them know what I think. ARE YOU SERIOUS! I shouted I can’t believe you would do that maybe it was the nasty mystery meat in the cafeteria or even the flu. “Well if your still feeling yucky next week I suggest you take a pregnancy test”. Fine I’ll come back next week and let you know how I feel but I have to get back to class and all day long the thought of possibly being pregnant lingered in the back of my mind but of course there was no way. I can’t have a baby I’m only 16 I want to go to college and have a college life not sit at home changing poopy diapers and watch Dora the explorer. The day went on and I got on the last bus home I saw my mom waiting in her car at the bus stop and she didn’t look super thrilled to see me I got in the car and we drove to the doctors the car ride felt as if it lasted hours but really it was 10 minutes it was nothing but complete silence we start walking into the doctor’s office and my mom says “Ashlynn I talked to nurse Janet on the phone and let’s just hope that what she thinks is wrong “ all I could say was “Yes Ma’am” She signed me in at the front desk and we sat and waited in the waiting room for what felt another eternity then finally the nurse called me back and my mom told me she would wait in the waiting room and to take my time and all I could think about is possibly being pregnant even though it felt like there could be no way I was because I was so young and have so much I want to do in life.  We did the usual stuff checked height and weight asked the typical doctor questions then the most awkward question a doctor could ask “Is there any chance you could be pregnant” All I could do is shrug my shoulders. A few minutes later he sent in a nurse who had a cup in her hand and said “Alright Ms. Ashlyn Clay I want you to go pee in a cup for me” So I did and she told me it would take up to 10 minutes for the results so I waited in the tiny white room that felt so small as if the walls were closing in on me my heart was racing like crazy and then I hear a knock at the door. “Well Ms. Clay the pregnancy test is negative but sometimes it could be too early to tell and we are going to send you to get blood work done and we will call you back in a few days you can go ahead back to the waiting room for someone to call you for blood work. I got up and went and sat next to my mom in the waiting room in complete silence and My name was called and I went back this time it was quick and only took 5 minutes and on the way home my mom only said 6 words in the 10 minute drive “I will still support you Ashlyn” I couldn’t even look her in the eyes or even at her I just kept my head down and when we pulled into the drove way I went straight to my room which felt even smaller than ever before where could I fit a baby crib and a swing and clothes all these thoughts running through my head I decided to start on my homework and try to ignore any thought I may have The night lasted forever I spent it all night tossing and turning. The school day went on as it usually would and a couple of days went past and then I got the call from the doctor’s office to come in right away so I called my mom during lunch to come pick me up from school to go back to the doctor’s office but this time the car ride wasn’t silent she talked and talked and talked we talked about the possibility if I was pregnant and what I wanted to do I had no answer because I barely knew what I wanted to eat for dinner that night let alone someone else’s future.  We went to the doctor’s office and they said I would have to wait 2 hours until the doctor could see me to go over the results.  So me and my mom decided to go to the little mall plaza across the stress and get lunch and look around to kill time. As we walked past stores and saw the beautiful prom dresses and then I saw the baby stores with the clothes and cribs and it seemed as if all I could focus on is the baby stuff and what people would think of me possibly being pregnant so young and I could help but cry over something so stupid as looking as baby pajamas it felt as if time stood still and it moved slower than a snail. I could smell the pizza and Chinese food and felt nothing but sick to my stomach I decided not to eat lunch but to go look in a few stories well my mom finished her lunch and returned a few things. It was finally time to go back to the doctor’s office and they called me back right away and told me my results were ready. There was a knock at the door and the doctor walked in.  Hello Ashlyn I’m Dr.Sanders and I have your results ready are you ready to take a look and make a plan? As ready as I would ever be I guess. He opened the folder and read for once again felt like forever You’re Pregnant my heart dropped there is no way I’m so young. “well there are other options and resources available to you but first we are going to schedule a sonogram we actually have an opening tomorrow morning we will be able to tell you how far along you are and when your due. I walked out of the room and couldn’t even form words to tell my mom I could already see the disappointment on her face before I said anything. I ran to the mall across the street and found myself looking at the baby stuff in the window all the tiny clothes and all I could think about Is how am I going to afford all of this. I still haven’t told Tommy I decided it would be easiest if I texted him I couldn’t really think what exactly to say because what can you really say in this situation. “You’re going to be a father I just thought I should let you know I don’t want to fight or argue I just wanted you to know” I went back to the doctor’s office parking lot and saw my mom just sitting in her car I get in the back seat so I wouldn’t have to face her and hear what she had to say right now. I went right to my room pushing my sister to the side and I could hear my dad yelling my name but I didn’t care enough to go see what he wanted I just went straight to my room and then I heard my phone go off and it was Tommy…………. “I think you have the wrong number stop texting this number” I felt even more alone in the world and spent my whole night crying in my room ignoring every knock at my door and throwing pillows at it when people would try to open it it seemed as if no one could get he hint I wanted to be alone and not bothered. The morning rolled around and I stayed home from school I didn’t get dressed or fix my hair or brush my teeth I went just as I looked the day before. My dad came in my room that morning to tell me he was taking me to my appointment that morning and said my mom wasn’t feeling very well. We stopped and got donuts and coffee on the way there and my dad seemed to not be phased by this situation as if it doesn’t exist and it was as simple as a dentist appointment he stayed in the car well I went in for my appointment and said he will he here waiting and taking business calls. I go in and sign in just like I did the last few times but this time they were asking different questions such as “Do you know how far along you are “ “any morning sickness” and of course I wasn’t sure how to answer these questions Instead of sitting on the table I had to lay back and they put this cold gel on my stomach it gave me the chills they moved this tool around for a while and then finally I heard something  I didn’t know that could sound so precious and sweet and perfect it was my little baby’s heart beat and instantly I felt 5 years older and wiser I knew instantly that I wanted to keep this baby and that he/she meant the world to me. I had no idea you could go from being scared and excited so quick and almost instantly I measured at 5 weeks at 2 days along and was due Christmas eve I know that there couldn’t be anymore partying or thinking about me it is what is best for this little tiny baby I have who will be here in a matter of months. But that joy felt as if it didn’t last long because then I was flooded with “How am I going to support this tiny little human who’s going to depend on me for basically everything but I never felt stronger and know I wanted to keep it and I could do it and graduate school early and still go to college but everything would just be done a little differently I now know what Kelsey felt like I felt as if  I owed her an apology for saying what I said behind her back knowing what she feels like in a similar situation. They took a couple of pictures of this little peanut in my stomach and told me to come back in 3 months to follow up and gave me a long list of medications to buy to make sure this baby grows healthy and happy when I went back to the car my dad looked as if he’s been crying so I asked him what was the matter and he said when I walked in there it reminded him the first time I took my first steps and when I walked out it was as if I grew up 10 years and was an adult in a matter of an hour. I looked up at him and said “Dad I’m still the same person I was an hour ago and I’ll always be the same person the only difference is I’m going to be someone mom. Tommy doesn’t want to be a part of this little tiny human’s life I decided that this baby won’t need him and Don’t need him I’m not going to force him to do anything I can easily put him on child support and move on. My dad looked up at me and smiled and said “I’m proud of you but it takes so much more then that but you’re getting there my sweet little Ashlyn” I’m going to start applying for jobs on Monday for now I’m keeping this pregnancy a secret and not going to talk about it too much because it’s no one’s business. When we got home it was time to pack to go away for the weekend to see my grandparents a few hours away and it was nice to get away from the whole baby situation we enjoyed a weekend in the country with them and it was quiet no one said a word about the baby until my grandma pulled me aside one night and handed me a small box with white ribbon and walked away  I didn’t think anything of it and just put it in my bag and when we got home early early Monday morning I decided to open it and inside was a tiny little baby bonnet with yellow ribbon all I could do was hold it close and cry and think about this tiny human who would be wearing it one day. I went to school that morning just like any other day and I heard people whispering and rumors began to start saying I was faking my pregnancy and the only reason Im pregnant is to stay with Tommy which isn’t true at all and of course none of it was true but once a rumor starts its almost impossible to squash it. A few weeks went by the rumors kept going and  I started getting a little bump and  I was officially 12 weeks and only a few more weeks and I can find out if im having a boy or a girl I finally got a job at the local drug store as a cashier making a decent amount of money and starting to save for this little baby who soon to come  I still haven’t talked to tommy and he does nothing but ignore me and pretend  I don’t exist It was finally time for summer break and I could forget the horrors of school for a few months and focus on the baby and work and start buying baby things it was finally time to get a sonogram and see how the baby is doing and I couldn’t be any more excited to see the baby. My mom decided to come with me this time and she was ready to see the little baby. Baby was doing great and they think they knew what the baby was but they couldn’t 100% till on my wait out of the appointment I saw Tommy and he tried stopping me to talk and all I did was hand him a sonogram of the baby and told him that’s his child and kept walking later that night he kept calling and texting my phone and telling me I should give him another chance but in my heart I didn’t feel it was right for me or the baby so I just ignored him I felt on top of the world ignoring him but then something inside of me told me I was being selfish and should give him another chance and not be petty about this situation and let him have a chance at being a father to his child. I  told my mom how I felt and she said the discussion to let Tommy be around me and the baby was all up to me and no one else and that’s a dissensions I needed to make all on my own. I felt nauseas and sick and wasn’t sure what I should do so I decided to call him and tell him the next appointment I have he could come with me to find out the gender of this little baby with me and then after words we could talk about the next step we are wanting to take together whether it be co-parenting or a couple we both are still young and not exactly sure how to parent but where going to be parents for the rest of our lives and needed to figure it out. It was the day of the appointment and I was sitting in the waiting room alone waiting for tommy to show up and he never showed but I found out where having a baby girl and I’m due in just 5 months it was time to start looking at baby cribs and baby names of course everyone has their opinions on baby names my father wants me to give her a common and usual name and my mom wants me to give her a biblical name and my sister Alice wants me to name her after a princess. All summer long I went to appointments and worked and saved money for little baby girl my dad offered to give me his office as the baby’s room and I decided to take him up on his offer so I don’t have to cram everything in my tiny bedroom. It was finally time to go back to school and I haven’t seen Tommy since the day I saw him outside of the doctor’s office later that night my friend Jennie texted me and told me that Tommy was expecting another baby too and its was Kelsey’s baby I never felt so angry and upset in my life. My daughter is going to have a half sibling before she is even born I never wanted this for her or me so I decided not to give him a second chance. I started school again and the months flew by and it was December 23rd and It was baby day it was finally time to have this little girl and I was filled with a million emotions 1 day later on Christmas eve I had my daughter with the support of my mom and dad and sister Alice I decided to name my daughter  Amelia Juliette Clay and she was absolutely perfect but after my parents left to take my sister home I realized I was all alone with baby Amelia the emotions hit me that I’m going to be raising her all alone I texted her father to let him know that I had the baby and 6 hours later her replied “Oh cool”  I never thought in 1000 years I would be a single mom still in high school I decided I didn’t want to take the full 6 weeks of school off and would go back that Monday my mom agreed to watch her well I went to school and worked as long as I kept up with my responsibilities the days in the hospital flew by and it was time to bring Amelia home my mom had an event at my sister Alice’s school and my dad had to work so I would be all alone no one here to help me with her that’s when It really hit me hard to think for the next 18 years I’ll be doing this by myself I called in my nurse and asked if it was too late to consider adoption I don’t want to raise this baby on my own I want her to have the family I had a mom and dad and a younger sibling not a young single mom raising her alone. I felt the tears flowing down onto my cheeks I want my child to have what I can’t give her the perfect life.  She smiled and said she was going to call a lady who would help me make the right choose for this baby an hour or so a lady knocked on the door and came in wearing a dress suit and her hair pinned up carrying case files. She smiled and said “ We will find her the best fit for this little precious girl” I want her to go to a home with a couple who doesn’t have a child yet a couple who’s been on a waiting list for a while a couple who will love and cherish this baby and give her everything I cant.  I have the perfect couple your looking for then my Dear the Kopple’s they have been on a waiting list for 4 years the wife Amy is a nurse and can’t have children and the Husband Corey is an accountant and volunteers at their church a few nights a week your sweet little girl would be a perfect addition to their family they have  been longing for a sweet baby if you would like to meet them I can have them come up and see you. That’s fine but I don’t want you to get there hopes up and I want the baby put in the nursery during the meeting with them. A few hour later I see a couple with a nervous smile standing in the door way looking hopeful the wife Amy speaks first asking the common questions how are you how are you feeling congratulations on the new baby is it a boy or girl common questions then  I decided it was time for me to ask her a couple of questions and asked if she had any baby names picked out college funds set up if they went on yearly vacations if they wanted anymore kids could they handle having a new little baby and they had excellent responses to every question and that’s when I realized I knew what I had to do. I knew this family was perfect for my baby and she would be very well taken care of and thens when  I decided I would sign away my rights and let my daughter have the chance at life that  I couldn’t give her  I couldn’t give her the perfect family like the Kopples could. I signed the paper work and said my good byes to the baby we all agreed on yearly visits and monthly emails on how she is doing. They named the baby Madalyn Grace and they took her home to Austin Texas. A few months went by before I got the first email about baby Madalyn and it was the typical adoption email short and sweet filled with thank you and updates about how the baby was adjusting and doing. I still felt guilty giving her away but im sure they are taking better care of her then  I could. She seemed happy and healthy.  I decided to send them the bonnet my grandparents gave me months before so she can always have something from me. Later on that day I get a text from tommy saying “How could you just give away my daughter like she never existed all because you didn’t want to get up in the middle of the night and take care of her your nothing but selfish and only think of yourself I didn’t want my daughter given to a stranger and to be raised brain washed never speak to me or my family again ill never forgive you!” But I brushed it off because giving Madalyn to a family who could give her so much more isn’t selfish its actually being selfless and I just have to think of everything they are going to be able to give her. I finished getting ready for school and met up with my friends at the bus stop and we made plans to go to the Pizza Place after school and study and just catch up because I haven’t seen them much since I had Madalyn and put her up for adoption. School went smoothly  and just like any other day after school I got a call from my Mom saying to come home right away something happened to my grandpa but I didn’t want to blow off my friends again so I decided to  go to the pizza place instead of home. I got out of school around 3:30 and we went to the pizza place for a couple of hours and I got home around 7 and I could see my mom in the living room crying on the couch with my sister Alice next to her and my father scowling at me at the window I knew I was going to be in huge trouble when I walked in so I decided not to and turned around and headed back down the street to my friend Taylors house and decided to stay there a few nights until things calm down at home. My phone kept ringing and going off from what I assumed was my parents but I didn’t want to talk to them right now a couple of hours went back and I decided to at least read the texts from them but they weren’t from them it was from the adoption agent who helped me place Madalyn up for adoption the text said “call me ASAP” my heart instantly dropped I called her and she told me that Madalyn got a really high temperature last night so her parents rushed her to the ER and they  are running tests and there hasn’t been any change to her and her temp is still really high and won’t break the parents said I could go down there and visit it if I wanted to when there family isn’t there just to make sure she is okay. How can a little 3 month old baby get this sick she was born perfectly healthly I thought. I wasn’t sure if  I should go home and let my parents know or if I should just go straight down to the hospital and see my daughter or if I should text her dad and let him know so many thoughts where running through my head I wasn’t sure exactly what to do. I decided to text tommy seeing its his daughter too and let him know whats going on with Madalyn but  I decided not to tell him her name because it may only cause problems but being her father he deserved to be in the loop as well it took hours for me to figure out what to say and I felt I finally had the right thing to say to him “Tommy you don’t have to like me but we have a daughter together and we both love her I got a call from the adoption agency that she got very sick and is the hospital with an unbreakable fever and  I felt you have the right to know whats going on with her too” I decided to send him a picture of her to even though it was against the rules to share pictures of the baby but it being her father  didn’t seem to be that big of a deal.  He didn’t reply I decdied it might be best if  I went home and tell my parents what was going on and just face what they have about me taking off. I was really nervous about seeing my parents but It had to be done when I finally returned home only Alice was home and  I asked what was wrong. “POPOP has cancer and they don’t think he’s going to make it mom and daddy are going to ground you when they get home from the Hospital I don’t know what you were thinking “ your right Al I wasn’t thinking I was just running running from all of my problems I got a call from the adoption agency that baby M isn’t feeling very well. “So babies get sick why are they so worried” Alice said see you’re a child you don’t understand how serious a newborn baby getting sick can be I said “ You don’t understand either you gave your kid away because your only a child yourself” This is why I cant stand you and don’t tell you anything Alice! I yelled. It was hours before my parents would return home from the hospital seeing my grandpa surprisingly when my parents came home they didn’t yell or scream at me my mom came In and sat on my bed and said “I saw little baby Madalyn when I was at the hospital she was just right down the hall from popop in the NICU popop went peacefully and isn’t suffering anymore im not mad at you for running because at your age these problems are real just make sure to do what you can for your baby Ashlyn” I could feel the tears running down my face “They had her under a purple light attached to a punch of wires and tubes her adopted parents where telling me they don’t think Maddy is going to make It sweetie they want you to go down there and see her.” I didn’t say anything I was frozen I couldn’t speak or move I knew she was in the hospital but not that sick my mom kissed me on the forehead and went back downstairs shutting my bedroom door behind her leaving a small box next to my pillow it was a little green box with egg shell white ribbon the box was no bigger then a baseball wrapped very caringly and neat I opened it and it had a note that said “Ashlyn we just want to thank you for giving us the greatest gift anyone could ever ask for and that’s the gift of being called Mommy and Daddy Madalyn is simply amazing and we cherish every second we have with her she has the brightest green eyes and the softest brown hair she is simply amazing Madalyn is my mother’s name she passed away when I was young from cancer when I was no older than 12 she was the strongest woman I have ever known so I wanted my daughter to be just as strong as her. But she needed an even stronger middle name someone who was selfless and courageous and could take a chance and went with her heart and decided what was best for not only her but someone else her middle name is Madalyn Grace Ashlyn grace is after my husband’s mom she is named after all of the women who made in impact on our lives. You will forever be Madalyn’s mom but I will forever be Madalyn’s mommy please take this gift from Madalyn  “ inside was a rose gold necklace with a heart charm and engraved on the back said Madalynn Grace Ashlyn forever in my heart with her birthdate on the bottom. I held it tightly in my hand with tears still running down my face and just laid there crying for what seemed like forever after a while I decided it would be best if I got dressed and went down to the hospital to see my daughter. On my way out the door my phone went of it was a text from Tommy mfenfsdnjosdnjk nkjo nijkongakignijosngsijo nijon iosn ionjion ijosndioj nsdbjionsknjetqiopjtoipaj opiojiopnjfsngjkl, cvkmafewpingjvpdsn k ngjipew jhjbnvjkldanfkjpejiopjipewhtipngpondopnvnczp nowpnnd nfdfjd jfd j j fj  jf fjf j j fj few doruiwojvio anmkn ijpadnripejfnjpdsan vkmijvn keqa fneijskajfekds f. It was just a random letters and none of them made sense it must have been an accident I didn’t think much of it at all. When I arrived at the hospital it was around 9pm and in the waiting room I couldn’t believe my eyes it was tommy talking to Madalyn’s adopted parents the couple had tears running down there faces I run over to see what’s wrong and next to tommy was the adoption agent and a lawyer he was suing Amy and her husband for custody of his daughter claiming I did the adoption behind his back and he wanted to have a chance at raising her and not some strangers. According to his lawyer it can hold up in court and he can get Madalyn back and I was totally against the thought of him even having a relationship with her It was only going to happen over my dead body there was no way I was going to let him have her he doesn’t have a clue on what it takes to raise a baby let alone a girl who’s facing health issues I made sure her parents understood that I wasn’t going to stand for this and they deserve to have Madalyn that’s why I chose them to raise her because I let alone tommy couldn’t raise her the way she deserves. I made sure they knew I would help them fight for custody of Madalyn I had no right for Madalyn since  I signed away all of my rights to be her mother legally but I’m still her mother biologically and I know what’s bests for her and it’s not Tommy. We talked an argued for hours then it was time to leave as I got in the elevator to head down to the main lobby I realized I spent all my time arguing with Tommy I never even got to see my daughter. I went right back up and ran back to the waiting room and in the window I could see tommy hold Madalyn and her parents crying Never did I think that adoption could cause so much drama I deeply regret even mentioning the baby to Tommy in the first place I don’t understand how some one would want to cause drama when they told  you they didn’t want anything to do with the baby. I decided to just leave before anyone saw me and went home and called Kelsey to see how she is doing with her baby and she had a boy she named Thomas Jr. who’s nearly a year old now and tommy proposed to her and they are trying to get Madalyn to complete their family. This is unfair to everyone I thought Madalyn deserves to be with the people who adopted her and want to give her a good home not someone who just being selfish 18 year old.  I decided after all to keep my nose out of it and finish high school and go to college and enjoy being a teenager without a child I met a new guy name Troy who is a lot of fun. It was finally summer time the summer before my senior year I haven’t heard anything else about the child or the situation going on with it and I believe that’s for the best I changed my number so I couldn’t hear about the situation the day I went down the elevator out of the hospital to leave it be I thought I would help fight the couple with her but it was best to leave it be. The summer was going amazing My sister Alice went away to girls camp for a whole month my mom was busy with her garden and my father goes on business trips all summer so it was a care free summer. I hung out with my friends and my boyfriend troy expect one morning I got a letter in the mail from my adoption agent I decided not to open it but through it on my bed which letter fell under my bed and laid there for a while. Summer flew by and school began again once again it was time to wait with my friends at the bus stop and that morning I wasn’t feeling well I felt nausea and dizzy but I tried to ignore it because the last time I felt dizzy and nausea I was pregnant with Madalyn of course I thought there was absolutely no way so I let it be for a while for about a week or so and then I decided it was time to take a pregnancy test and I texted Troy “You need to come over there is something we need to do and it’s very important” he rushed over after baseball practice and I told him exactly what was going on. He seemed understanding and was supportive I took the test and it was…….Positive once again 2 years later imp facing teen pregnancy the only thing I knew for sure is I wanted to keep this baby no matter what I didn’t want to go through the drama of adoption again and deal with any of that chaos. Troy seemed nervous but willing to be a father this child needed right away he jumped into wanting to move in together but I know this wasn’t the right time and that we should tell our parents first I had no idea how my parents would react to a second pregnancy and wanting to keep this one they would probably feel disappointed. I didn’t want to especially tell my mother what would she think little less than two years ago I turned her world upside down finding out I was pregnant first we decided to tell his parents first his mom seemed really excited his didn’t didn’t show any emotion now it was time to tell my parents and to my surprise my mom seemed sorta excited and my father wasn’t home so he doesn’t know yet I knew we had to do our best for this baby and no matter what it takes. I called the doctor and made an appointment and Troy agreed to come with me I didn’t want to get my hopes up he would stick around but for now im just hopeful. They had an opening that Thursday so we had to wait 2 days to be seen we went to school as if nothing was different we didn’t want to share it with anyone else until I was further along and was ready to share with everyone troy agreed with me. Thursday finally rolled around and  I was sitting in almost the exact same spot 2 years ago filling out similar paperwork we get called back and Troy agreed to come back with me I took a pregnancy test there and it as well was positive then they took us to a different room for a sonogram and I measured at 8 weeks 5 days and for the second time I heard something innocent and pure and simply amazing this tiny little baby’s heart beat nothing could ever compare to hearing my child’s heart beat just as sweet as the first time hearing Madalyn’s heart beat I look over to the corner of the room where Troy was sitting and I could see the amazement on his face he just seemed astonished hearing the heartbeat. After the appointment we got a few pictures of the baby and I kept 2 and he kept 2 he once again mentioned moving in together but  I still didn’t feel we were ready for that yet we weren’t ready when there wasn’t a baby in the situation why should we move in together because there is a baby. He doesn’t know anything about Madalyn and I planned on keeping it that way. We went to the mall across the street to get lunch and look at baby stuff seeing we only have little less the 7 months to get ready for this tiny little jelly bean baby. Troy seemed to be getting more excited then I was. It seemed odd to try to be excited this time around and planning for sure to keep this baby but it will be totally worth it when I get to hold my baby and don’t have to let go. I decided to stay home from school and work this week just to take it easy and relax and at least 10 times a day Troy would text me to see how I was feeling and doing. He wanted to start talking baby names but I felt it was to soon I decided he could chose the babys name as long as I liked it. Troy was beginning to make me feel overwhelmed with this whole baby thing he kept wanting to discuss things that we had months to decide on. One night I was cleaning my room and cleaned out under Neath my bed and found the letter from the adoption agency and felt ready to open it inside had pictures of Madalyn with her adopted parents! She looked so happy and so much better tommy decided not to continue with court and let them keep her and they where enjoying life as a family of 3 and Maddy was growing like a wildflower and extremely healthy. It truly warmed my heart to know she was where she belonged I didn’t have to think about what ifs being with her father then it hit me. Madalyn was going to be a big sister and she won’t be here to enjoy it I felt ready to call her parents and set up our yearly visit and tell them I was expecting again and see how well Madalyn was doing myself. I called her adopted mom Amy and I could hear Madalyn playing in the background she sounded super happy and content. Her mom agreed to let me see her and we set a date for 2 weeks from now at a diner for lunch and then go to the park and play I wasn’t sure if I should share with them that I was expecting again or if  I should keep it a secret for a little bit longer. The 2 weeks flew by and I had another appointment and troy came with me he was super excited and we got more sonograms of the tiny little bean and he wanted to keep them so I let him. I had to rush out of the appointment to go and see Madalyn and her parents at Pete’s Diner I waited outside the door for 20 minutes before getting the courage to go inside and in the back booth I saw a little head with a bright pink bow and  she was babbling away I could see her playing with her parents I thought about walking away but for her sake she deserve to know how  I was doing and bettering my life. I sat down across from them and they handed me Madalyn she had the cutest little dress on that matched her bow perfectly I could see her parents smiling away at her as if she’s the greatest thing they have ever seen. We talked for a while about my school and how much better Madalyn was doing since her hospital stay the contact they have had with Tommy then all of a sudden troy walks in! he sees me and smiles and walks over to the table and asked who they where and before I could get a word out Amy Madalyn’s adopted mother answers “ We are her baby’s adopted parents “ I could see the fury in Troy eyes I thought we agreed to raise this baby together! He yelled Troy wait I explain I said “ I gave my first child up for adoption I didn’t want you to find out because that was my past I want to keep this baby and raise it with you I wasn’t ready to be a mom for Madalyn so I chose adoption I promise you im keeping this baby” Well I would like to meet my future step daughters adopted parents and say sorry for the way I acted so he went back with me to the booth and explained himself they seemed to understand and congratulated us on this baby and offered to give us Madalyn’s old clothes if it’s a girl but I denied. We talked for a while about the benefits Madalyn has had and the vacation they took a few months ago to the beach and how terrified Maddy was of the sand and had a good laugh they showed me some pictures and agreed to email me often to keep up to date with everything and if Madalyn where to ever get seriously ill again to contact me and not her father and to keep the contact with  him as civil as possible they told me they saw him a few months ago for his visit and he seemed off and was expecting his 4th child his 3rd boy and how he broke off things with Kelsey and they had another son together besides Thomas Jr. and they named him Kash and they just always argued and figured out the whole family thing isn’t exactly his thing. Then I started worrying about troy what if one day he decided a family isn’t for him he doesn’t want to have a family anymore and just leaves. The visit with Madalyn’s family was wonderful I couldn’t believe how big she has gotten and how much she looks like tommy she was just absolutely beautiful with the cutest little button nose that’s when I began to think about this new little baby coming and what he or she will look like what will he or she act like what will life be like. I was secretly hoping to have another girl in a way to kind of replace the one I lost but I would be happy with a boy too. That night I finished my homework and got ready for bed I had the strangest dream “ I give birth to a baby I wasn’t sure if it was a boy or girl it was wrapped in a yellow blanket but troy wasn’t there I was sitting there looking at the baby and talking and cuddling it when a big lady with dark brown hair and pale skin came in and took the baby out of my arms and walked away and I was just left there wondering why I kept asking the doctors and nurses where  my baby was and they kept saying oh darling you didn’t have a baby it was just a large growth oh sweetie I have no idea what you are talking about ill look into it everyone acted as if this baby wasn’t just born but I knew the baby was and then finally a doctor came in and asked whether I had a boy or a girl but  I didn’t know because I didn’t get a chance to look the baby was wrapped in a yellow baby there wasn’t any indication of either gender so once again they acted as if I never had a baby” Then my alarm went off and I was left confused and nervous and wondering if this might actually happen what if I have a baby and someone just comes in and takes it and I don’t know whether it’s a boy or a girl  I knew as soon as I could I wanted to find the gender of the baby and I’ll hold the baby so tight that no one could take the baby from me. I decided not to tell anyone else about this dream and just went on with my mom usual morning Troy kept offering to carry my book bag and books and buy me lunch he wouldn’t leave me alone he was constantly near me asking if I was okay I get he wants to help but sometimes I wanted to be left alone so that afternoon I decided to tell him I wanted to take a break he seemed really upset about this choice I made but respected it. It went a whole month see hearing from troy and so I called him and his mom answered “Can I talk to Troy please” Oh Hi Ashlyn umm well troy isn’t here right now he umm how do I say this Troy won’t be back until around Easter he’s on a missionary trip without church in Africa “are you serious I yelled” the baby is due Valentine’s day he is going to miss the birth of his child” He said you wanted space and he couldn’t leave you alone so this was the best option. I was beyond upset once again I will be alone giving birth to a child what am I going to do the rest of this pregnancy is on my own and give birth on my own and just wait till his/her father comes home from his mission trip but his mom agreed to come to my appointments and help me with the baby until he returns home and this afternoon was my gender appointment I was nervous yet excited I met his mom Patti at the doctors office and she was really excited wearing a pround grand sweatshirt. We went back and she kept telling me she hoped it was a girl how bad she wanted it to be a girl and how excited she would be if it was a girl because she had 4 boys and no girls I felt almost obligated for it having to be a girl and if it wasn’t she would be very disappointed and wouldn’t love the baby as much. The doctor finally came in and did the scan and it was a girl! Now patti was hounding me on names and telling me names she loves and names in her family and what would be the perfect name but Troy and I had already picked out a name if it was a girl and we didn’t want to share it with anyone until she was born so we didn’t have to hear about how much they disliked the name. We went to the mall afterwards to look at baby things and Patti kept telling everyone how she was going to be a proud grandma and how excited she was and how spoiled the baby was going to me she to me if I wanted to have help with the baby I could move in with her until Troy comes home. I agreed my parents weren’t to thrilled with this choice but I was 18 and there wasn’t much they could do that weekend I packed up and moved into Patti spare room and she began wanting to talk about the nursey set up and begging to know the babys name but I stuck to my gut and kept my word after 2 months of not hearing or talking to Troy I got my first letter and he said how excited he was for the baby to come and I felt as if my family was complete but something didn’t felt right. Troys family was Jewish and his mom had blonde hair not brown hair and Troy was the oldest of his siblings and there wasn’t any other children in the house. His father was in the Army but there wasn’t any photos of him around I started to become worried but didn’t want to mention any of this to patti in case she might be crazy that night I heard noses in the basement and wanted to go look the stairs where steep and spaces in between so  I could watch for patti incase she came down. I didn’t see anyone but I saw something odd on the wall the painting had space between the wall and painting it was a tacky painting looked like something out of the 50’s bright colors and ugly tones of it too but I knew I had to find out what was behind it if anything  so I decided to move it behind the painting was Troy all tied up! I un tied him but heard the door open before I could turn around I felt something hit me in the back of the head and fell to the ground when my head hit the ground I could hear someone talking but felt to weak to open my eyes I could hear tony yelling leave her alone leave her alone over and over and over again but it seemed to just become quieter I heard patti yelling shut up this is all your fault over and over again that if you kept quiet she wouldn’t be down here but you kept making noise I told you if you where quiet you could have went home to your parents by Easter I told you I just wanted that little baby in her belly and then all of a sudden I remember the nurse from the doctors office who kept telling me the story about how she had a baby young and how she felt hopeless like me but she was only my nurse maybe twice when I was pregnant with Madalyn she was trying to steal my baby I couldn’t let her do this but I didn’t have enough strength to get up or even make a sound It felt as if I was laying there for hours and hours I could feel every minute go by I wish I would have listened to my parents and stayed home where I belonged then all of a sudden I felt as if I had enough strength to get ouff of the cold basement floor and when I got up my alarm went off and it turned out to all be a dream the whole thing Madalyn troy tommy everyone I was still a normal 16 year old girl my pregnancy test was Negative I never felt happier to wake up in my stupid room I was thrilled to get up and have a normal boring day! 

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