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Forstbitten Heart

Author's note: I wrote this piece because a friend of mine had moved away and sometimes it feels as though...  Show full author's note »
Author's note:

I wrote this piece because a friend of mine had moved away and sometimes it feels as though she had died. We might still be friends but just not as close as we used to be. 

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Chapters:   1 2 3 Next »

Chapter 1

Everything is changed now. Nothing is ever going to be the same after this. Not after what I think. Not after what happened to her. I am not going to stop next time. Next time I am going to finish what I want to do. This, this thing is too powerful to even try to hold back once more. I am the only one who can hold it back though. I have to. All I see is fury red behind my eyes. I feel nothing and everything. I feel my hands wet and smell the iron coming from it. I have blood on my hands. I reach up and try to wipe away the slow trickle of blood off my chin but I can only seem to make it worse. I can't undo what I have done no matter how much I wish I could. I wish that I could turn back time and somehow change what has happened to her. The memories are the worse part. I see them even through the fury. I see the blood, her blood covering me. I can hear the cars rushing past on the highway not seeing the black street that I and my friend's body are on. I can feel wet tears streaming from my eyes as I cry and cry not able to stop from feeling the pain that I feel.

          What I want most in the world at the moment is to find him and rip him to piece. I want to taste his blood on my tongue. I want to see his blood on my hands. I want to take his life to make things better. I want him dead. He is making my eyes hurt and he is making my throat sound more like a toad. I can feel my mouth open and close. I know that I am doing something I just can't get past the hazy that is blocking my ears from hearing anything. I can feel myself saying something but I just can't hear what I am saying. I close my mouth and make it stay close as I see the fury in my eyes slowly crawl back so I can see my friend's dead body in my hands. I am holding her close to my chest only thinking about her. Thinking about what school will be like without her. I can only think about her. About what my life was and what all had just been taken away from me in the matter of a second. We had been so happy walking back to my house until we had been hit. Until that stupid drunk came out of nowhere and hit us. Slamming his truck into first her body and then my head. I got the less damage done to me whereas she had lost her life that night.

          Even night for a month I was thinking only about killing him. Only about ending his life like he had ended hers. I had been outside every night for a month feeling the cold biting into my skin as the winter was turning into spring. I howled every night for a month at the moon in every phase it had been in. Others howled with me. I heard others take part in the sad song that I had sung for a month. I could hear the tears and the pain in that howl and so could everyone else. It seemed every dog on the street mourned with me. Even my own would sit outside in the grass with me and howl at the dark sky with stars glistening like tears caught with the sun. Every night for a month I would come into the house and be forced to wear a warm blanket and drink hot cocoa and sit in bed while tears made their way quietly from my eyes. It seemed even when I could not speak my cries had still been heard. My mother and father had called over the family priest and he sat making me talk to him about what was wrong. I would sometimes end up running and not even talking to him. I would run to my room and let out a long painful howl like I was with my friend once more. After that month though I couldn't howl. My throat would not allow me and I wouldn't be able to walk outside and sit in the grass. I would not be able to look past the door to even see the stars. Something would not let me. It was like I was being forced to back down. Like I could not go outside and like I had to eat because something bad was going to happen. At least the priest stoped coming.

          I would find myself up late at night just rocking back and forth slowly listening to haunting music that only I could hear. I would always feel tears in my eyes and I would be up well into the day. I would still go to school but I would sleep. No matter how many people seem to tell me that I need to move on from her the only person that matters is myself. Once I can say move on from her I will be able to. Since her death, I feel like people are trying to take my shell and turn it into something else. Something like a better daughter for my mother and father. They seem to want to have me make more friends. They seem to think that making more friends will take the pain away from me about losing the only friend that I thought mattered to me. I can't call her and I can't message her. She is dead and I have to tell myself that every time I look at her number on my screen in the almost pitch black room. Sometimes my dreams are about finding out the drunk's name and ripping into his flesh and just seeing how he likes the feeling of every bone in his body being broken just like hers were. Sometimes I like to imagine that he got what he deserves. The amount of guilt will tell him to do things to himself. Tell him and turn him against himself. Sometimes I like to think that his own mind is close to me and that his mind is the one telling me to hurt myself.

          Sometimes I even feel like I have lost my mind. My skin started to bounce when she died and the only thing I can think is just jumping out the window and running. Running to the woods to a safe place where I can hide and never come back out until I feel like everything is better. I can only think about death, fire, and blood since she was killed. I only want to find the person, every time her name slips itself into my head, and kill him slowly.

          I shot up out of my bed and onto the floor like a bullet at the thought of hurting someone. Since I was little I had it pounded in my head that I should not hurt anyone, even myself. The thought of hurting myself had bee non-excitons in my head before her death. And when she was gone all I could think about was her. The friendship that I had lost because of death. All that I could ever think about was taking my life and giving it to death or even slicing my wrist to feel something other than this haunting sadness. I thought about my dream for a moment. 'Wait why am I having bloodthirsty dreams?' I asked myself revolted with the answer to shocking to even think of. I closed my eyes and leaned back on my pillows slowly. 'Deep breath Lauren, deep breaths' I thought to myself just like my therapist had told me to do. I liked my therapist she knew that I was the only grieving and tells my mom and dad that I am fine every time she sees me. But I don't tell her everything. She doesn't know about the dreams, more like nightmares, but she doesn't know about them and I can't tell her about them. I was doing it for my own safety. I would go more insane if I knew I couldn't go to school and be around kids that would talk around me but not to me. My only fear from her is that she would deem me not sane to go to school and off to a padded cell I would go.

          Thinking about school I open my eyes and stare at the blank ceiling. I liked going to school a lot. It helped get my mind off of things that I never liked to think about, but I can't stay at school and work all the time. At home, my mind was clouded with haunting thoughts and memories that I never liked to even see but it seemed at some points that I was lost in my own little forest of hell showing me every memory that I had loved so much when she had been with me. At school thought she seemed to go away as my head was filled with math problems and projects that I had to finish. I put a hand on my heart feeling my heart and telling myself that I was alive and that was what I should be happy for, thankful for, it but I was not happy or thankful that I was alive. I was thinking about her as tears of silence rolled to the corenrs of my eyes and side down onto my pillows. I forced myself to move and get dressed but could not stop the tears from rolling down my face and making it very clear that I was not going to have fun if I was cring while walking to school today. I just didn't want today to end. After school, I was going to have to go to my therapist. She is nice but I don't like seeing her every other day, which is what my mother makes me do.

          I tugged off my pants that I wore last night to bed as I opened up my drawers to get some clean ones. I pulled out black yoga pants and slipped them on. They were soft like silk and touched the ground, meaning I would know if they got the hem wet. I closed that drawer and slipped on a long sleeve black shirt that was sung on my arms. My mother hated when I wear these during the summer telling me that I would get a heat stroke or something like that. I never listened to her. I would wear bright if I wanted and right now I felt like a dark color got my mood across. It could be 90 degrees or something but I could be caught in black. Grabbing my comb from off my dresser I make a stop to the bathroom to use it and brush my teeth. I was slowly brushing all of the sleep out of my red unkempt hair as I was walking out of the bathroom my sister rushed past me giggling and looking like she had not slept at all. I heard the shower turn on and knew that she was not going to be out of that until someone yelled at her. Yawning I walked down the stairs to get some milk.

         I saw that my mother and father had put out some milk and were now sitting at the table waiting for me to join them. I looked at them confused for a moment before taking my seat and grabbing my milk. Looking over at my father first I saw that he wore worry around his eyes like scars. In his brown eyes, I could see axioty looking at me. It was like a demon that took him over. I looked over at my mother to that tha she wore panic on her face that showed in the worry lines above her eyebrows. I saw horrid looking bags of a sleepless night under her eyes. While her eyes showed love and consere looking back at me. I sat my glass down and looked at my hands knowing that they were going to tell me something that I did not want to hear. "Sweetheart? You're not in trouble. We just need to talk. It is very important. can you listen to us for a few moments?" I heard my mothers soft voice speak as she laid a hand on my own. I drew my hand away from hers like it had burned me. I knew that I had made her upset by doing that small movement but I just did not want to be touched right now. I didn't look up at her but I didn't run away either. She sighed and went to talk again softly as though she was trying not to scare away a rabbit, "You're father and I think... think that it would be best if you take a break from school. Rest and get yourself back together. You have been a bit distance for a while and we only want what is best for you. Please, would you take a break Ya know, go easy on yourself?" My head shot up as I stared at her. No way was I going to do that. I was not going to stop going to school. I was not going to do that just because she was worried I was overworking myself. I stared at her until she shifted uncomfortably before I shot up from my chair and stomped to the front door. I heard my mother gasp and come after me and knew that my father would be after her. I forgot about my homework that I had left on my desk for my math and science classes and just left the house with a beat up old backpack slung over my back. I didn't care what they said I was going to school until the school year ended. Walking out the front door I slammed it behind me and heard it open right after I had shut it. I knew that the people around us were watching but I didn't care.

          Nothing anyone said or did was going to make me not go to school. The school was the only place I had left that I could run to. I couldn't run to my favorite park. She and I had walked up tot hat park some many times and that was where she had been killed. I couldn't go to the woods. She and I would go there all the time and play. We had so much fun almost everywhere in this big city. The only place that I found safe enough to go was to school. There I had no good and found thoughts of us. We met there and that was it. Going to the same school was where it started but we did not have fun there. We had all the same classes at the same times but nothing about that was fun. From the fit that I was throwing on not going to school. I knew that none of my teachers were going to like me today. They might be a little worried, but since she was killed they had all pulled me aside and asked why I had picked up my grades.  I gave them very vague answers while not really even seeing them. I held it together long enough to turn the corner and get on the city bus to take me to my school. I hated taking the school bus so I always took the city bus to get to school. The school that I went to was about an hour walks away. About a 15 minute drive. But ten minutes by bus if you got on the right one. I looked straight ahead and knew that a few people had gotten creeped out by it until my stop. I got off and walked into the school holding back tears and angry. My mother and father thought that they could stop me from doing something that was keeping me very sane for the time being. Since my friend had lost her life I could not think about eating or drinking water. It was like my mind had made a flip to turn off everything that might have worked and kept me alive. I was the only thing keeping myself in check. Making sure that I had something to eat with me at all times making myself a water bottle on days I couldn't stomach food.

Chapters:   1 2 3 Next »


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