Arsenic and not-so-new-lace
Author's note: I was inspired by Arsenic and Old Lace, which was a 1941 play.
Act I(The show starts in a nice yard with shrubs, green grass, and a walkway. The front of an rustic old house is in the background. A cemetery is off to the side. Two young girls are playing with their babysitter.)
Sarah (babysitter): So what should we play now?
Kayla (the smallest girl): I don’t know… what do you think, Isabel?
Isabel: Maybe we should play hide and seek!
Kayla: Okay, but don’t hide in the basement again! It gives me the creeps!
Isabel: KAYLA! You know it isn’t true!
Kayla: But it is still spooky…
Isabel: For the last time Kayla, our great grandmothers did not poison people… I don’t know how that story started.
Kayla (starting to cry): Sis, you are so mean to me!
Isabel: Well you are the one who-
Sarah (cutting in): Please don’t fight now, your brother will be home soon!
Kayla: YAY! I can’t wait to show him what we I did today!
(Isabel glares at her)
Sarah: Yes, your drawing was lovely!
(A car honks and the teenager Frank walks on stage)
Frank: Hello everybody!
Kayla: FRANK! Come see what I did!
Isabel (gasping and speaking fast): Yes Frank, she colored a wonderful picture.
Kayla: Sis, that’s not what I want to show him!
Sarah: They are such interesting children.
Frank: Tell me about it. We our grandparents are visiting tomorrow, and those are some of the strangest ladies ever.
Sarah: Aren’t they living in a retirement home?
Frank: They WERE in a retirement home. They escaped.
Frank: That is what they called it…
Sarah: Weird. Anyway, now that you are here I guess I can go.
(Sarah starts to exit off the stage)
Frank: Well I guess she’s gone. Come on, let’s go inside now. It looks like it might rain.
Kayla: Where’s Teddy?
Kayla: Yes, my invisible friend! He must not be left out in the rain!
Isabel: I thought your invisible friend was Mr. Bush!
Kayla: The yard workers got him.
Isabel: How sad!
Kayla: I know!
Sarah: I thought your imaginary friend was Washington!
Kayla: No, he had to go the laundry.
(Isabel snickers. Sarah sighs and continues off the stage)
Frank: Seriously now, we must go inside!
Frank: Because it might rain.
Frank: Because the weatherman said so!
Frank: Because it is his job.
Kayla and Isabel: Why?
Frank: Just go inside
Kayla: But what about Teddy?
Frank: I am sure Teddy is already inside.
Kayla: No he is not. He is right behind you!
Frank: Ok... Teddy, come inside!
Kayla: You forgot to say please!
(Thunder booms and Frank forces the children inside. A click is heard as Frank bangs on the door)
Frank: HEY! Let me in!
Kayla and Isabel: This house is for girls only! You can only come in if you fill out the paperwork!
(Kayla opens the window and hands Frank a paper before slamming it shut)
Frank (muttering as he reads): Are your shot records up to date? How big is your family? Have you attended and passed Pre K? Will you vote Kayla into office? (YELLING) WHAT KIND OF QUESTIONS ARE THESE?
Kayla: I made them myself, with a little help from Teddy!
Frank: I thought you couldn’t write!
Kayla: Isabel and spellcheck helped too!
Frank: Just let me in! It is about to rain!
Kayla: We can not let you in. It is not political refugee.
Isabel: Does the weather count as politics?
Kayla: It is confusing enough.
Isabel: Then I guess we can temporarily let him in.
Kayla: But only until the rain stops!
(The two girls open the door and Frank steps in)