Truly Madly Deeply

October 1, 2012
By HummingbirdSweetheart, Phoenix, Arizona
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HummingbirdSweetheart, Phoenix, Arizona
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Favorite Quote:
“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”

Author's note: My ex-fiance and I fell in love almost instantly. We had so many memories and I don't want to forget them. We will always have that eternal flame no matter who we are with.

“Your boyfriend is looking for you” said my best friend Halley as she entered into my “job”, working the school Book Fair. I was overly nervous because we had been dating 6 days and I hadn’t officially met him yet.
My heart pounded, it was an hour before we were supposed to meet up at the park. I was not expecting this, but I was plenty excited. I grabbed my bag, slung it over my shoulder and walked towards the park. I walked anxiously looking for him. Everywhere I looked I thought I spotted him. I went to our meeting spot, the tree closest to the swings. I sat down and re-applied my make-up hurriedly. I glanced over trying to look casual instead of the anxiousness clearly planted on my face.
I sat on the table cross legged with a book in my hand, pretending to read. I looked up and saw him coming my way. He looked like a total dork, totally opposite of what I like.
There stood my boyfriend, the one and only Derek. He was tall, thin and oh so cute. He had this charm about him, he wasn’t smooth or suave. He seemed to be disorganized and messy and it came out as a charisma. He was relatively tall; 5’8 maybe, just about my height. He had shaggy blonde hair covered up by a cowboy hat. His eyes were covered by dark black sunglasses, and his lips were pursed together. He wore a black mortician’s jacket with a skateboard by his side. He wore faded blue jeans with the holes in the knees and an old ratty black tee-shirt with Jeff Dunham’s puppets famous line “I keel you.” He was the total opposite of what I’d excepted.
“Hey babe,” Derek smiled and forced a kiss upon my lips. My head was spinning and I kept from touching my lips.
“Hi.” I muttered still in shock by how much that one kiss sent fireflies through me.
I reached for him as a pining child reaching for her favorite toy. I latched onto his jacket and smiled. I kept leaning closer; I just couldn’t believe how much I was in love with him already. And I certainly wasn’t ready to part from.
He took off his jacket and I jumped at the first chance to grab it. I took off mine and replaced it with his. “You are never getting this back!” I giggled and kissed his lips with passion.
“And you’re never getting yours back”
We talked like a couple, walked like a couple, laughed like a couple and did things like a couple but I felt an unending yearn to show him off, flaunt him. We held hand and sat in the grass on the hill over looking the entire park. And out of nowhere, he attacked me.
He was lying on top of me and he smiled and laughed wide as he said “I told you I’d glomp you, when I saw you”
I chuckled and I leaned into him, happy to be in his arms. We cuddled and we laughed. Content with how we were. He reached around me, his cell phone in his hand and the camera shutter when off. I smiled as I looked at the moment instilled forever. I’ll remember this moment forever.
Out of nowhere, my younger brother Joshua showed up. He scared us as he cleared his throat rather loudly. I smiled and introduced the two. Josh leaned over and shook Derek’s hand firmly, still looking over the embrace between Derek and I. “Nice to meet you” he spoke rather cordially for meeting a guy for the first time.
As the time danced through the wind, I smiled as Derek embraced his true side. He was comfortable in his own skin where as I was tense and unsure of how to act. Derek laughed loud and acted as a small child would. He climbed up a nearby tree and complained as he scraped his hand. I laughed and begged him to come down as I attempted to reach where he was, then hesitated as I realized, I am afraid of heights. I stood four feet below him smiling as he stood on a sturdy branch. He stood tall and bent his knees to jump. My much too fearful mind caused me to turn my head and cringe as I heard his feet hit the ground. He smiled and laughed as he dusted himself off.
“It’s about time to get home” Josh spoke suddenly, ending my time with Derek.
Derek offered, like a gentleman, to drive us home. I accepted and we piled into his car. The inside was unorganized and a disaster, as expected. Although, I am a clean freak, I didn’t seem to mind the disaster area. He pulled up in front of my house and he kissed me quickly.
I stepped out and my knees almost fell weak. I stood and watched him drive away as I expected my knee’s to give way if I tried to walk. Josh opened the garage door as I walked in and smiled. “You know, he could stay over if you want him to, I won’t tell dad.”
This clicked as an opportunity in my head.
I grabbed the phone and clicked his contact and opened a brand new text message “Boyfriend, come back, my dad isn’t home”
He sent to corresponding texts, “Ok.” And “I’m here
Just as he said, he stood waiting patiently in the threshold of the front door. I smiled and let him in.
I grabbed his arm and gave him the “grand tour” of my house. He stopped at every corner to ooh and ahh every picture my mother had of my younger brother and I. I laughed and dragged him away. We finally reached my bedroom which was a disaster- well, what was a disaster to me- last nights pajamas strewn around the floor backpack lay emptied out on my unmade bed with my cat, Callie, hiding under the covers.
He glomped me again But This time, I was prepared and got him back. He lay flat on his back on my bed as I pinned him down and straddled him. I kissed him and smiled. My hair falling into my face and he reached his hand over to push it behind my ears. I got off him and lay flat beside him. My brother watched intently as he took forever making a PB&J sandwich in the kitchen just in view of my bedroom.
I reached over to grab my remote, pushing Callie out the way and throwing my bag on the floor. It was on my morning music video channel, CMT. I quickly changed it before he could hear my “country girl” side of me coming out as Taylor Swift’s “Mean” played. I changed it to Nickelodeon which wasn’t any better considering that the SpongeBob Squarepant’s theme song was blaring, but Derek pushed my hand away and stared intently as SpongeBob began one of his childish jelly fishing adventures.
I lay down on my side and Derek leaned over to cuddle me. He laid his head on my chest and stared at the TV. I dragged my fingers through his shaggy blonde hair and smiled. Content to be with the one that I love, I stared off into space. I dozed out but I came back to reality as Josh cleared his throat over-exaggeratedly, startling both Derek and I. “Oh jeez, Josh, we aren’t doing anything but cuddling”
“Well, I don’t know that.” He spoke quite defensively.

It didn’t bother me too much that Josh was being over-dramatic, he was just being “big brother” when in all actuality, he was just “little brother.” Derek didn’t seem to mind very much either. It made me smile that Josh approved of Josh and that Derek didn’t mind the “being watched like a hawk” attitude from Josh.

It was 8:00 and sadly, Derek had to go home. I prolonged his leaving with extended kisses and embraces, exuberant “I love you’s” and “please stay.” Although I knew my father would be home soon and my ass would be dead if he saw a boy over, without his permission. So, unwillingly, I watched him leave.

I collapsed on my bed, where we just lay, staring up at the ceiling, wishing he was back again. The time I had with him was nowhere near enough, but I was content. His drive home was a long one, so I text him a quick goodnight and told him I’d text him the moment I woke up. I changed into my PJ’s and lay on my bed until the blackness engulfed me and I fell asleep.

I knew dating Derek wasn’t going to be easy for multiple reasons. We had a problem from the start. And the problem was Jessica. Jessica my best friend of like ever; so, we hadn’t talked in months but we were still close. Well, we were close until I got together with Derek, and that sparked a fire in her I didn’t want to deal with. It was easy to just be with him until I remembered Jessica is his ex, and to make it perfect, they had a son together. This is a total violation of girl code. I was never one to follow Girl Code and neither did she but this was just a total “NO” on her part.
Derek told Jessica and that sparked a feud I was not ready for. She was angry and I tried to make her feel better. I tried to tell her I’d break up with Derek. I tried so many things to get my friend back but it seemed far-fetched. It was a matter of Derek or Jessica (JJ). But I tried lying. I said “Derek and I broke up, will you please still be my friend” I fed her a bunch of bull s***.
He told her the day after we got together and I couldn’t keep myself from crying, I was so confused. Derek, to help keep us together, told JJ that we had broken up and she wouldn’t start any drama because it wouldn’t matter, if we had broken up. But I knew in my very soul that this was ruining everything. Things shouldn’t have mattered. I mean JJ never cared about anyone but herself and when we had talked before she told me how much she hated Derek. But why now? Why did she suddenly “love” Derek again?
She yelled over Facebook messenger and told me how horrible of a person was, constantly bashing on me. She called me a “whore, slut, b****, skank, and b****.” I wasn’t surprised when Derek didn’t defend me. And when I considered breaking up with Derek to end all the drama, I was pissed that he would even say okay to that.
We had been dating a total of ONE DAY and then he said he loved me. So much for guys saying what they mean; He tells me he loves me then is totally okay with me breaking up with him, OH KAY! Yeah, that makes complete sense
I loved him…. I mean I think I did. My heart pounded when he text me and I longed to hear his voice. I giggled whenever he called me those cute pet names. And I said I loved him back. But I mean it was how it was with Freddie, my wonderful asshole of an ex. The one I still loved completely.
It was such a way to start the New Year, The new 2012 year. Derek and I were destined to last less than 2 weeks, according to every single person that JJ knew. Lena swore that Derek was an asshole and I was stirring myself in for drama. And JJ of course was pissed off and feeding me his life story. Except it was hard to listen to JJ because well she just said she loved hi. She was saying things because she wanted him all to herself and Derek supposedly didn’t want him.
I was stirring myself in for a lot of drama but part of me just didn’t care. He was sweet and cute when we were texting and I felt like I could be myself. It was the first time that I had felt an immediate connection with a guy since Freddie. But then again adding up how that relationship went, maybe everyone was right. Derek was BAD NEWS according to what everyone said and I just had to put myself into a relationship with him. He was the “bad boy” it allured me.
But when it all added up, I knew shouldn’t be dealing with all this drama this early on in the relationship. I didn’t want it this way. Would the relationship ALWAYS be this way? And wouldn’t it be smart to just escape it all?
My foolish pride and naivety told me that if things work out now that we would be okay. I didn’t know what I was putting myself into.
Derek and I were only together for five days and I hadn’t even met him yet. Why does our “relationship” matter, he did say to Brittany that he didn’t think that we were even going to work out, so I might as well just prove him right.
I was tired with the drama, I needed an escape. So, I I.M.ed my best friend Nathan, “Hey Nate, my mom is out of town and my dad doesn’t get out of work until 5:30, want to hang out?”
He replied instantly, “Hang out? Will we finally get to have fun?”
“Okay, I’ll see you after school”
Nathan knew about Derek and I but, I just didn’t care. Derek and I were barely talking; we had enough drama with JJ that I just didn’t care about our relationship.
The next day came fast. I saw Nathan after school and it was awkward. We talked, didn’t say much and just flirted. But as luck would have it, the moment I got home, I realized my dad was home.
I asked my dad if Nathan can stay over and my dad said sure because he didn’t mind. He pretty much said that it is on my conscience if I do something I’m not supposed to.
I stared at Nathan in my bedroom and kept leaning over, pressing my lips to his, kissing him tenderly, getting lost in his touch. My dad told me he’s taking a nap and my brother left for Future Freshman Night. I was wearing my mini black skirt and a low-cut top, specifically chosen for “easy-access”.” The moment Josh stepped out the door it was skirt up, and panties down.
I knew exactly what I was doing but the sex, the thought of having sex with Nathan, was just so appealing. So, I lied to Derek and said I was “busy playing the Wii with Nathan”, come on, he was probably cheating on me anyways, so it shouldn’t have mattered.
He did a lot of foreplay and all I had to do was lay back and enjoy it. He leaned up against me and slid it in. I was finally having sex with Nathan… I was moaning loudly and I could barely contain. I was expecting my dad to wake up and bust us in the act, but he didn’t. It was like a dream come true but I hadn’t considered the thought of it hurting Derek.
We were done and over with in forty-five minutes and I lay limp in bed staring at Nathan, smiling. I glanced at the clock, 5:45 p.m. I had to be at the school by 6:00, I was screwed but, who really cares? Nathan and I shared a long-lasting embrace and then I continued onto the bathroom to get myself situated. After I was finished getting dressed, we both left. We were out of my house by like 5 feet before I pulled him to me and kissed him. It was A long kiss, not so much passion but enjoyable nonetheless; a kiss of a lifetime that I had been in love with for almost two years.
I went to Future Freshman Night flying high on cloud nine. Addicted to the feeling of sex with Nathan, it was an adrenaline and I could barely pay attention to the world around me. Constantly, replaying the sex scene in my mind, over and over like your favorite scene in a movie on replay. I told a few people and I was addicted to talking about it.
It wasn’t until FFN was over that I realized all I had put at stake. My relationship with a guy who could honestly truly be my soul mate; I talked to our mutual friend Lena and she was disappointed in me. However, with how horrible I was feeling she promised to not tell Derek. I would be seeing Derek the next day and I couldn’t comprehend how I was going to hide what I had done. I know that it was a mistake and that I had screwed up but at the time, it didn’t matter. I just risked up a relationship that I knew was trouble from day one and this time, I started the problem.

It was easy to be the girlfriend to Derek. I had nothing to worry about until the second weekend of dating. He had to bring Christopher along. Nothing to be worried about, right, it was just a child. And I knew exactly how I was like when it came to kids. I was a mother at heart and I knew part of me would get attached. I showed up at the park rather nervous, I was with my brother and still my head was swarming with thoughts about if it was a good idea to meet Christopher. I got out of the truck and saw exactly who I was looking for. Derek was leaning into the back taking Chris out of his car seat. He pulled Chris out of the car and I was completely awestruck. He looked like the cutest child I’d ever seen. His platinum blonde hair was long and messy filled with pretzel crumbs and Sour Patch Kids. I giggled as I watched him rub at his eyes with his small toy in his hand. I walked over to Chris completely ignoring Derek and scooped him up in my arms. I was smiling wide and it felt right to have him in my arms. I threw him in the air and kissed his cheeks smearing my red lipstick. He giggled cutely throwing his hands on my face. I smiled but frowned just as quickly. Derek was staring at me obviously appalled by my sudden reaction towards Chris. I put him down as he ran around the parking lot and I backed away but keeping a watchful eye on him. Derek walked towards me and I tried to stay as far away as I could because I knew exactly this would happen. Derek quickly noted my face and pulled me close to him and pressed his soft lips against mine and I smiled as I felt his scruffy face brush my bare skin. I smiled and let all my fears drain away and lost myself in his kiss but a wail form Christopher darted my attention quickly. He tripped over the speed bump and was sitting crying. I ran to him instinctively and scooped him up in my arms and kissed his cheeks and his hands until he laughed and I put him back on the ground. “Let’s take him to the play ground” I shrieked childishly grabbing at his hands and reaching for Chris. Derek however took back his parenting role and picked up Chris and put him on his shoulders. I smiled from behind watching Derek wince every time Chris pulled at his hair and smacked his forehead. We got to the swings and Chris beckoned for me with his small arms. I smiled and pulled him into my grasp. I set him in the baby swing and watched a smile spread from ear to ear. His face glowed with laughter and smiles as Derek and I pushed him back and forth. He clapped his little hands together and continued on with his giggling. Out of sheer habit, I pulled him out of the baby swing and walked to the “big kid” swing set. I sat him on my lap and wrapped one arm around his belly and the other clasped to the rope. I pumped my legs back and forth and listened to his laughter flow freely. Derek watched us, counterfeit smiling, and his eyes analyzing my overwhelming motherly approach. I stopped the swing and set him down and watched Chris run to his daddy. Derek bundled him in his arms and tossed him up highly. I watched as he and Chris played in the sand and ran around on the jungle gym. I felt like an outsider as I watched the two of them. Chris’s eyes eventually drew weary and Derek too looked exhausted as he carried the daze eyed cutie drifting in and out of sleep in his arms. I jumped at the chance to fit in. “I can hold him” I told Derek. His face looked enthused at any sort of help at the moment and handed Chris off to me. Chris’s face lay on my shoulder one arm slinging off to the side, the other lay on my breast while his chest slowly moving up and down and his eyelids fluttering. I held him up with one arm and the other reached for Derek’s hand. We walked and I whispered “I feel just like a little family” “What?” he asked. “Oh nothing” “No, it’s not just ‘nothing’ it’s something,” he laughed “Just tell me.” My eyes stared directly ahead at the bright sunny sky. “It just feels as if we are like a little family. You, Me, Chris.” The corners of his lips lifted into a slight smile, as if I had just said the best thing in the world. “You think so?” he asked. I was in no position to lie, considering I’d just said it “Yeah, I do. I love you Derek. And I love this little boy too.” We stopped in the middle of the field and he pulled me into him with Chris lying asleep in between our chests. Out of nowhere, his tender lips pressed against mine. His tongue parted my lips and it danced with mine to a song only they heard. I’d placed myself in a Gordian’s Knot, but the thought of being mother to Chris tantalized me. Chris had a mother, and we established, she wasn’t the best mom in the world. She smoked pot almost every day, and every other day she was drunk as well. She complained the moments that Derek wasn’t watching Chris and when he was she wanted Chris back. She couldn’t make up her f*ing mind. One minute she wanted to be a mom, and the next moment she couldn’t wait to get out of the position. I should have felt bad that I was starting to take her place but it seemed utterly impossible. Chris needed a mother figure that wanted to be around Chris. I wanted to be around Chris, more often than when I wanted to be with Derek. This didn’t mean that I was dating Derek because he had a son; it just meant that Derek and I had our fights and I was content playing “mommy” to this cutie pie. I was happy being this mother figure to Chris and I overjoyed that Derek wasn’t going to stop me. Derek and I had already said “I love you” we have already planned our entire future out. We were so happy and it seemed like it would last., and maybe this would.

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