Other Evils In This World
Admitting To Hatred"He thinks I'm some sort of freak," she told Snape, sitting in his classroom again, drinking something her professor had brewed up to fill their stomachs with, neither one of them feeling inclined to go to dinner that evening. Looking down at the mug clasped in her small white hands, she could feel the sudden distaste Snape was emanating at her words. Glancing up at him, she saw his gaze looking cold and darkened as he watched her.
Snape remembered his own father the moment she spoke. Instantly he felt hatred grow in the pit of his stomach at the thought of Lilia going through a similar childhood to his; but something told him there was more to it than him simply telling her she was a freak for being able to do magic.
She looked down again. "I think you already know it's more than just being rejected by own father for what I am," she said. Sighing, she rested her chin in her palm and traced circles into the top of the desk, which they'd sat down at, with her finger. "He hurts me. He'll find it fun to torture me and scare me just to see me do magic… and the funny thing is that isn't even the worst part of it all. If that were it, I think I might be able to smile for real sometimes. But the things my father does to me are beyond cruel," she sighed and looked up at him.
He watched her quietly, not saying a word, not wanting to discourage her from opening up to him. He doubted she would ever do it again.
"My father… is a scientific man. He doesn't believe that what I do and learn is actually magic," she said. "He will try to explain it as some sort of… scientific phenomenon…" she shook her head. "He'll… do things," she frowned. "Things to make me react. He'll take my wand away and force me to try and perform magic without it."
Snape felt his blood curdle at the thought of her having to summon a tremendous amount of magic just to please her father.
"That was when I saw it," she said. "A few years ago, I managed to do magic without my wand… I didn't know what it was at first. I didn't even realize it was magic," she explained. "I would spend hours in the library last year looking for some explanation as to what it was. I'd almost entirely given up hope and thought perhaps he was right. I really was some sort of freak," she sighed and closed her eyes. "But then I found it…"
He frowned, wondering if that was as far as she would go when she didn't say anything for several moments. When she did speak again, his blood curdled at the thought of what she had been encountered with.
"Legilimency…" she said finally, lifting her head and then glanced up to meet his eyes. "I saw into his mind… and in that moment I sorely wished that I hadn't," she said. "I don't know how it happened. He was… hurting me one day," she shook her head, and closed her eyes, "and I suppose I was more frightened and angry than usual when I just… looked. Only for a moment…" she said and then stared straight ahead with a disgusted and hateful look upon her face. "It's happened only a few times after that, but whenever it did, I saw what he thought of me… what he wanted to do, and in that first moment, when I realized these were actually his thoughts, I no longer merely feared him. I hated him," she said, her eyes welling up slightly, but she blinked once and the tears were gone. "I wanted him dead. But not just dead, I wanted him to suffer for what he put me through and I wanted to humiliate him for what he wanted to do if given the chance," she said. She then turned to look up at Snape. "And yet, I am too much of a coward to use the killing curse on him…" she said finally in a quiet and almost tired voice.
Snape recoiled inside at the thought of her having to resort to such a spell in order to free herself from her muggle father's clutches. He looked into her eyes and understood that she was scared and worst of all, alone up until this very moment. He knew in his mind he couldn't live with himself if he let her merely go back home after this month to face that monstrosity of a man again. "What did you see..?" he finally asked her.
She looked up at him and then shook her head slowly, her head lowering. "Don't make me say it…" she whispered wearily.
He felt rage boil in his blood at the sight before him and ground his teeth together. "If you do not tell me what you saw, I will dismiss what you say as mere lies, Miss. Gunner… I cannot help you if you do not give me reason to," he said.
She felt her eyes well up in humiliation and swallowed with great difficulty. "I saw how he wanted to kill me slowly… in the most inhumane way he possibly could," she said. "He wanted to touch me, and rape me and murder me slowly…" she said finally, looking at him with a deadened look in her eyes suddenly. "Every time he touches me or looks at me I want to murder him… make HIM suffer for making me afraid to step foot into my own damn house," she said and shook her head. "Where I live it is no home, merely a house where I am trapped by my sick, twisted, muggle father," she said and glared. "I refuse to cry because of him. I've never given that monstrosity the satisfaction of seeing how much what he does, and wants to do hurts…" she said. "I feel relieved that my mother isn't there to see the hell he's created for us both," she said. "But again, this is my life and I will destroy him the way I want to… I do not need your help, Professor…" she said and rose suddenly. "What I told you today is my secret, and now yours…" she said and looked at him. "I will not let that man come near me when I return home and if he does, I will be forced to kill him," she said finally. She knew she had to this time. "All I have to say to you is… that I appreciate you letting me tell you my story…" she said, finishing her drink and then tucked in her chair, turning to go.
"Why did you never report any of this to Dumbledore or a professor the moment you arrived here?" he asked her with a frown.
She turned to look at him and shrugged. "I don't know the entire reason. I suppose it is because I am ashamed of having a father such as my own, and I don't want people, especially professors or Dumbledore on my case, pitying me over something even I myself don't pity over," she said. "I don't need everyone to know something I don't want to be known… I want to handle it on my own. I don't want to be thought of as another annoying sob story, as you so kindly put it once before," she said firmly, then after a moment, turned to go to the door again.
Snape watched her head to the door and then rose, following her.
For a moment she would have told him to leave her alone, but remembered it must be far past dinner time by now and if caught alone in the halls, she would be in trouble.
The two made their way to the Slytherin common room, Snape's mind weighed down with thoughts of what Lilia had finally admitted to him. He felt somewhat proud to know that she trusted him with her story, but angered that she had to go through so much alone. And yet she never cried over any of it. She had nearly admitted to her own humiliation of feeling so exposed by her own father and his perverted thoughts, but she wouldn't cry in pity or fear over any of it. For that, Snape had to commend her, knowing if she refused to cry over the pain she'd gone through and the fear she lived with, then she was far stronger than most.
When they reached the Slytherin common room without any problem, Lilia spoke the password and stepped inside, turning to look back at Snape. "You promise never to reveal to anyone what I told to you tonight, correct?" she said, her eyes narrowed suspiciously. She didn't want people bothering her about what she'd been through. She hadn't even told Snape everything, and she knew that he knew that, but hat she had admitted was a lot for her to share anyways and she hoped Snape understood that much at least.
He nodded, regarding her coolly. "The information you've opened up with to me tonight will remain unspoken, Miss. Gunner. It will remain your secret and now mine as well," he assured her calmly, his face not betraying even for a moment the anger he felt over what she'd gone through as far as he knew, even if she hadn't told him every detail.
She nodded and turned away to go towards the stiars leading to the girls dormitory when Snape said something to her.
"You're much stronger than I originally gave you credit for, Miss. Gunner… don't ever lose that strength… it may come in good use later in life," he told her.
She stood silently and turned around to reply but was only a moment too late, seeing the common room door closing and Snape walking away, just the ends of his cloak flowing out of her line of vision behind the closing doorway.
Lilia sighed as she pulled off her shoes, then her socks and undid her skirt. She placed them all on the chair next to her bed and then pulled off her vest and tie, unbuttoning her shirt and placed them all on the chair next to her bed as well. She pulled on a nightgown and then brushed her teeth before bed. After that was done, she climbed into her bed, pulling the covers overtop of herself and sighed, staring ahead unseeingly.
She hoped Snape had taken what she said to heart and wouldn't tell anyone else. It was not their business. She knew it was none of his either, but she felt she could trust him, as her head of house to at least know why she did things or acted the way she did without questioning her any further. But she wondered what he also thought of her now. Did he think less of her? Did he tell her he thought of her as strong just to put her mind at ease and stop her from bothering him, when in actuality he thought of her as weak? She rolled over onto her side and pulled the pillow out from under her head, hugging it close to her side and rested her head upon the end of it, closing her eyes and sighed, only hoping Snape didn't think of her as an annoying student with another 'roll your eyes at' sob story.
He wanted to make him suffer. Lilia didn't deserve the hell she'd been trapped in, and he wouldn't just let her go back soundlessly. He needed to speak to Dumbledore about this, but then he remembered he'd made a promise to her not to reveal what her story was. She didn't want people pitying her. Probably because it annoyed her, he figured. Pity was a stupid thing. No one ever actually pitied anyone. Even he didn't pity Lilia really. He just wanted to protect her. The same way he'd wanted to protect Lily Evans, many years prior.
His heart ached at the thought of her and he sighed, running a hand through his jet black hair softly and closed his eyes. He'd failed Lily as well as himself. He'd let Voldemort find them and kill her.
Sitting on his bed, he leaned forward and hung his head in his hands, thinking about Lilia and that solemn look upon her face when she'd spoken of murdering her own father for the atrocities he'd committed, and wanted to commit against her. He would not let her suffer on her own. He would take this chance upon himself and redeem the bad that'd done. He couldn't have Lily or save her, but at least now he had a chance to protect Lilia.
No child should ever be allowed to live in so much hatred and pain. She had been denied her childhood by a cruel and twisted father but he would do what he could on his own to give her a chance at a normal life forever after. Even if it led to her turning away from him and finding another to rely on and laugh with, the same way Lily had done before.
The thought irritated him, but then again, Lilia was only thirteen and he was already thirty five. The age gap was so immense between them he wasn't surprised at all that Lilia wasn't attracted to him in the least, even if he was. He supposed he was used to it by now, however and climbed into bed, feeling angered by Lilia's situation, his own misfortune of becoming attracted to someone far out of his reach yet again, and not knowing where to go with it at the moment from there.
Suffice to say, he didn't sleep as well as he would have liked that night.