The Cullen Girl

June 5, 2011
By Branderz BRONZE, Chicago, Illinois
Branderz BRONZE, Chicago, Illinois
3 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life may be filled with obstacles, but the only way through them, is to try harder than your expectations can take you.


Summary:

Ever ran away from a family that you were adopted by? Well, meet Milla, she ran away twelve times, and now her thirteenth time and is now living with the Cullens. In this twisted tail of romance, will she find luck with them or will she run away from the danger that they possess against her?

Tags: Twilight


Brandie L.

The Cullen Girl


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This book has 38 comments.


Angel04 SILVER said...
on Apr. 17 at 11:06 am
Angel04 SILVER, Houston, Texas
7 articles 2 photos 51 comments

Favorite Quote:
" Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something is more important than fear" ~ Meg Cabot
" I'd rather be pulling a Chevy, than driving a Ford" ~ Grandpa Orta

This was wicked cool! I LOVE the Twilight Saga! And Edward (sighs heavily) I wish he wasn't a fictional character.

Moayo lest said...
on Feb. 4 2014 at 12:21 am
I really love the plot to the story but im dying for more. and some romance would be relly cool to. just a suggestion. the end kinda confused me but it just added to the suspence.

on Dec. 22 2013 at 4:28 pm
flutterbye1888 GOLD, Ridgley, Maryland
13 articles 3 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
Always bring a banana to a party.

  I think that you had Milla interact with Edward too much. Edward, at this point, would be completely enveloped with his new family.   They don't actually have conventional "fangs"   When introducing the characters, you probably shouldn't say things like "lets call her Bella," or "I guess I can call her Nessie," just because those nicknames were in the books and movies. Have the caracters ask her to call them those things after she uses thier full names sveral times. But, really, I liked it! I really love fanfiction because it's what I would want to do if I were in the story. Plus, I always wondered weather or not the Cullens would adopt another child.

on Dec. 4 2013 at 2:17 pm
Tara_Bites SILVER, La Porte, Texas
8 articles 1 photo 36 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Never take advice from teenagers. Because they don't know what the h*** they're talking about!" -Me

O.M.G this was awesome.

Tman2 GOLD said...
on Dec. 3 2013 at 5:59 pm
Tman2 GOLD, North Palm Beach, Florida
10 articles 0 photos 19 comments
same thing you did twilight justice love the foster home thing

Tman2 GOLD said...
on Dec. 3 2013 at 5:58 pm
Tman2 GOLD, North Palm Beach, Florida
10 articles 0 photos 19 comments
You did a really great job I like the story and style

on Sep. 12 2013 at 8:07 pm
Girlonfire12 SILVER, Keyport, New Jersey
8 articles 0 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Hunger Games Are Amazing"

Hey i loved the book you just need to continue it. i don't believe this is your first fan fiction u r so good look for mine it is called how i survived the hunger games.

101929 said...
on Apr. 26 2013 at 2:29 pm
101929, Grand Rapids, Michigan
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments
nicely done! creative ideas!

Naadz said...
on Aug. 2 2012 at 3:36 am
Naadz, Stanger, California
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
Live for today... Plan for tomorrow! :)

I love the book, but I want more! Please continue this book... I really really liked it! The plot is so great.. You really have a vivid imagination!:)

on Jun. 19 2012 at 5:11 pm
Alynumber4 BRONZE, Tucson, Arizona
1 article 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"All that glitters is not gold."
-Shakespeare

I like the idea of this book, and the writing is pretty good, but I find myself confused by a lot of the English used. English is my first language, and I'm fairly sure that alot of this is not using correct grammar. I'm not looking to really critique you or anything, but some of the paragraphs in which really important things happened I ended up having to re-read and spend a few moments speculating about what you had meant to say, which made it hard to get lost in the story. Try having someone you know read it before submitting it so that they can tell you which parts didn't make much sense. Other than that though, it was wonderful! Very creative and entertaining.

Lacer GOLD said...
on May. 18 2012 at 4:41 pm
Lacer GOLD, Highland Village, Texas
19 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
The thing about philosophy is that it often runs dry when thought of so shallowly.

It's a common association.

on May. 18 2012 at 3:58 pm
Branderz BRONZE, Chicago, Illinois
3 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life may be filled with obstacles, but the only way through them, is to try harder than your expectations can take you.

Thanks for the advice... But, I wasn't putting myself in the story whatsoever.... I also made this character up

Lacer GOLD said...
on May. 18 2012 at 3:27 pm
Lacer GOLD, Highland Village, Texas
19 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
The thing about philosophy is that it often runs dry when thought of so shallowly.

Hmmhmmhmm. I know this is Twilight fanfiction, and I generally dispporve of fanfiction. It tends to be sloppy, and done in an hour over a wave of enthusiasm.
But, I do admit, the first page is done okay. No, I'm sorry to say I can't tell you that its good, and it does need improvement, but that's why I review, hmm?

First off, your usign first person narrative because Stephanie Meyer did it, and you want to be a character in the story. That is the weakness of all fanfiction; the writer wanting to be in that world. I'm sorry, but get over it. Use what writing stlye fits you as the author, not you as the character.

Your narrative is awkward, people don't think like this. Memories are not blurs, especially memories of death. Don't whiz through it, I know your excited to get into the story, but we need to know the character. Tell us what happened to the parents, the sister (she would remember when she disappeared, not something like 'apporximately') and a little of her life with her aunt. 

In the orphanage, I don't understand why she is biased against, that phrase is super awkward and unneeded. Also, the younger a child is in an orphanage, the more likely they are to be adopted. People like raising children, and a teenager is the worst stage to have a child, so they want young kids, kids who are under ten, make this girl among the oldest, it'll really isolate her, and make the character stronger. When she meets Carlisle, remember that she has been interviewing all her life for a childhood, she's not going to be impressed by some handsome stranger, that's cheesy. He's a vampire, you have to explain that she has an unnatural attraction towards him, he's luring her in.

When she was in the car, I didn't feel anything. You threw emotion at me, you had her burst out crying. She's lived with this pain all her life, death and rejection. Don't you think she'd be numb to it by now? I think maybe its Jasper (I haven't read it, its not my thing) that does the emotion thing, so why is she crying?

However, you find a good place to close. We see you closing on the family, the one most of your readers remember from the original book series. And that's the problem; these aren't original characters, people already know who they are. I don't, but am I your target audience? If you do adapt the characters, people who have read the books will be mad because its not canon, and non-readers of the originals won't know who these characters were from the start.

Bottom line: Fanfiction is dangerous. I dislike it, because I like making my own characters, but this is your writing.

You have good focus, you can fix up your transition, and I think you do have a plot in mind that I hope you advance. I am actually curious as to why Carlisle chose her, and why he wanted a new vampire (other than that you want to be in the story dear). 

But I don't think 1st person is your strength, I suggest you introduce a twist to get out of it. Some metaphorical or psychologically breaking event to change the way people "view" your story. But really, you've done a good job, even though I don't read Twilight.


AHPK0 said...
on Feb. 12 2012 at 3:34 pm
AHPK0, Pictou, Other
0 articles 0 photos 3 comments
thank you for your help

on Feb. 11 2012 at 6:54 pm
DirectingGabs GOLD, Texas, Texas
19 articles 1 photo 65 comments

Favorite Quote:
\"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.\"

Yess it is.

AHPK0 said...
on Feb. 5 2012 at 12:44 am
AHPK0, Pictou, Other
0 articles 0 photos 3 comments
is it free to post a novel? im new.

on Dec. 5 2011 at 6:57 pm
UNserieswriter, New York
0 articles 0 photos 75 comments

Favorite Quote:
idk my bff jill

having written both my stories from multiple points of view, i suggest you refrain from explicitly saying things like:

"From Alice's point of view."

Instead try to make it clear through thoughts, conversation, surroundings, and the characters actions who is currently holding the point of view.

Just some friendly advice. :)

Just some friendly advice


princees yui said...
on Nov. 22 2011 at 2:55 pm
sorry.not 2 be mean but totally 2 SHORT!But it was creative.

on Nov. 4 2011 at 1:41 am
cantdeleteaccounthelp, Sey, West Virginia
0 articles 0 photos 64 comments
:) Just telling the truth.. By the way, do you know how to tag an article as favorite?? I haven't still figured it out, help?

on Nov. 3 2011 at 6:50 am
Branderz BRONZE, Chicago, Illinois
3 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life may be filled with obstacles, but the only way through them, is to try harder than your expectations can take you.

Aww thanks and it's okay :)


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