Being beautiful isn't all) | Teen Ink

Being beautiful isn't all)

May 17, 2019
By Anonymous

Summary:

I was insecure about my looks, body and my image. I was scared that whenever I would go outside I would be called out because of my body and face. I was ashamed of myself. I felt like I was worthless and pointless. There was no one to say that I was beautiful. I felt alone every day, I wanted to go far someday, I was scared that people will make fun of me. I was alone and helpless with no parents. The only ones I had were my grandparents, but they were too old even to walk. I knew that I would be alone for life. I never wanted to go to school, every time I went to school I would be bullied by girls and boys. I was desperate, but I couldn't do anything. I wanted to kick them and punch them, but I was scared that they would come back for revenge. I neither had friends or anyone. At lunchtime I would sit alone, sometime I would go to the bathroom to look at myself and see how ugly and bad I looked. I felt like everyone hates me because of my looks and body because it was made out of sticks. I was too done with the world and mostly myself. Going to school was worse, but going home was even worse. When I went home I would never come out of my room nor eat or drink. Every once in a while my uncle would come, but he always pretends to not see me, which give me more tension, than I had before. It felt like I was fading away from everyone. I knew that my grandparents didn't like me that much either. I knew they were old and they probably don’t like to have a kid in there home that they have to take care. Sometimes I would not even have enough food to eat, I would even give the food to my grandparents. But they would not care. I was about 99 lbs back then but now I am 49 lbs. I was skinny really skinny. Seeing myself in the mirror looked like seeing hundreds of ghosts. You could see my bones and vein. When I am walking outside some people would give me a looks. When people do that I could feel my body burning from the inside. I would run to my house. I would run upstairs to my room as fast as I could. I wanted to get away from that house I was dying there. I would feel insecure but I never had the thought of killing myself. I knew that if I wanted a better life I had to study and work hard in school. I tried to force a lot more on studying, but I would find myself lost in thought about being beautiful and looking my best like some other girls in my school, but I always forget that I had nothing. I could not get my nails done, or get spray tan. I always thought that I would never be beautiful because my eyes were small because of the tears I used to cry myself to sleep, there were pimples and zits all over my face.

One day I was coming down the stair and I overheard my grandparents talking about what they were supposed to do with me. After listening for a while I could not believe that I own grandparents would talk stupid stuff about me. I could not stop my tears from coming. I began to walk slowly downstairs and then I ate breakfast and went to school. Today a new girl came to school. At math she came and sat next to me, she also started to talk to me, I was surprised to see a girl talk to me. I don’t think anyone in the school has talked to me before. That day she asked if she could sit with me, and I said yes. I knew that after a few days she would start hanging out with other people, but she still hangs out with me. After some days, she asked me about music and singing. I told her that I have not listened to a lot of music. She stared at me as if I was dumb. I knew it was hard to believe that I have not listened to a lot of music, but it was true. I did not have any type of network at my house nor did I have a phone. So I talked to her more about it, and she made the decision that I should come over to her house that evening. When she told me where she lived, I was surprised that she lives really closer to where I lived. I told her that I could come over if my grandparent let me. When I went home I talked to my grandparents about going to her house. Surprisingly my grandparents said yes, I was really happy after a long time. So I complete my homework and went to her house. When I got there her mom opened the door, She was really friendly toward me. I talked to her for a lit bit but Riley came a little bit after. She showed me her room and her house. I was pretty jealous of what she had, she had all the stuff that I could never get. She also showed me her closet, I could not take my eye off of the clothes she had. It was really modern and nice Anyway, after showing everything she has, we went to her room. I noticed that she had a lot of video games. So I asked her if I could play with it. While we were playing she turned on some music, that sounded really nice. As the music kept going, I felt like I wanted to dance jump around and do what I want. So I stood up and began dancing and singing. I knew that sound a little weird, but that moment changed my life forever. Riley saw how cheerful, I was so she joined me. We sang and danced for as long as we could. I think that was the first time I felt like I belonged somewhere. While I was dancing, I could see different kinds of pattern and color floating around, like they were enjoying it. I felt like I wanted to float in the music. In that time I was the person who was hidden from the inside. Which was covered in feelings and sadness? When we could not move we finally took a rest. Just then Riley told me how good I sang and etc. I could not believe my ear, someone was saying nice stuff about me. I felt like I wanted to cry, because of happiness. I think that was the time when I felt good from the inside. Riley also told me to take choir. I thought about that a lot because the school was going to end in about a week. When I went home, I tried to remember the lyric of the song, and when I did I began singing it. After singing that song, I had the feeling to write a song of my own, of course, I didn’t have any experience writing a song, but I knew that it had to be about something. I still remember the time really well, because I could not stop thinking about it. I used to think of it for days until I got the idea of writing a song about “never giving up”. I knew it sounded weird but I thought that it can be turned it a song. As soon as I thought about it, I started writing the song.  I was sitting in my bed thinking about how I can start the song, but nothing came in my head. It had been about a week, the school was finished and I had free time. I almost forgot that I was even writing a song. I sometimes went to Riley house or she came over to mines. We would talk forever, nonstop. We were becoming best friends. I actually started to write my song, when it was June. As more days passed by the more confused I got. After some week, I thought about writing a different song. So this time, I took a long time thinking of another song I should do. I began to take notes about what I could do with my life and something that others have done to me. I was beginning to think outside the box or I thought I was. I also took a suggestion from Riley, about what I should write. She gave me an idea to write about something that people are struggling with. I took her opinion down as well, but there was nothing I could think about. I was feeling dumb at that moment. I was starting to give up, but at the same time, I didn’t. I would find myself lost in thought or staring at the wall. I felt like ripping all the paper into tiny pieces. But I had to be patient and let my brain think. Every day I would go home saying that I would finish my song, but that never happened. I forgot about making a song, after a few weeks. About some years had passed, and I had forgotten about singing and the song I was making. After I had graduated from high school, Riley and I went to a different college. I also moved out of my grandparent's house and moved into an apartment close to the college. I also got a job. My first day of college was pretty well. I had started to gain weight, and I could not believe the difference that it made me look. My college year was going well. In the second year of college, I took choir. People would compliment my singing talent. Sometime later I started to continue my song, that I had started. I could not believe that I had written a song after a year had passed. The words came to my head naturally, it was like I was somewhere else where I was myself and I could express myself in a different way. When I saw the song I had written, I wanted to cry out of happiness. As I got to know more about singing, the more I got interested, I used to get excited about that class every day. After some time, I took the thinking of being a singer than a doctor. I took some of my time off to practice singing. I also began to look at some video of people singing, and I got a lot of inspiration from it. The days were going faster than an hour. The college year was coming to an end, and I haven't seen my grandparents since I had moved. The weird thing was that they called me to over, which I thought was a little awkward. I course went there, but I felt a little weird. I could not believe how much the neighborhood looked. I had stopped my car further, about a mile away. I walked a little slower. When I reached my grandparent's house, I felt like I wanted to go back. All of a sudden my childhood memories came back to me, my brain would not stop filling with memories. I slowly ringed the bell. It took time for them to answer the door, while I was waiting outside, I saw a lot of shoes outside the door. When the door opened I saw my grandparents coming to greet me. I went inside, to see a lot of people gathering around the house. As I went inside I saw a photo of me that was hanged in the wall. I didn’t want to look at those photos, I didn’t want to see the ugly me. I just wanted to rip those photos in half and throw them away. I controlled my anger and walked away from those photos. When I went there I saw people that I never have seen. I sat down and the hour went by. People talked and more stuff happened. As the hour went by, I said bye to my grandparents and went. As I walked out, I saw those ugly photos of mines. I rushed outside and ran toward my cars. I went to my dorm and slept, but those photos still bothered me. Those photos reminded of how, I was insecure about my looks, body and my image. And how I was scared that whenever I would go outside I would be called out of my body and face. It also reminded me of how I was ashamed of myself. How I felt I was insecure about my looks, body and my image. I was scared that whenever I would go outside I would be called out of my body and face. I was ashamed of myself. I felt like I was worthless and pointless. There was no one to say that I was beautiful just the way I Move redowas. I felt alone every day, I wanted to go far someday, I was scared that people will harm me. I was alone and helpless with no parents.like I was worthless and pointless. When there was no one to say that I was beautiful just the way I was. When I also felt alone every day, I wanted to go far someday, I was scared that people will harm me. I was alone and helpless with no parents. Those thoughts came to me more and more. The next day I went to a music studio, to practice my song. I was really happy that day because the first song I wrote over a week ago. The song was called “You are beautiful just the way you are”. I was really proud of what I had created. I had created a song that would give a person hopes, to know that they are beautiful just the way they are. In that song, there is also a moral behind it which is to love yourself no matter how you look or what your body looks like. I thought that this could be a moral to a lot of girls out there who are not self-confidence about them self. I also wanted them to know that you don't have to wait for the right time. This song also could give boys hopes too, not only girls. The thought of the song came to me when I came back from my grandparents. I knew that I was tired of how I looked before. That night I thought about all those things that have happened in the past and I began to think there might be more people in the world who think they are not beautiful. So I wanted to give those people a message of how being beautiful isn't the only thing you need to have. There are endless possibilities. So that night I began to write the song about how you are beautiful just the way you are.


 


Anonymous

Being beautiful isn't all)


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