In Which Barney Makes A Near-Fatal Eerror
It all started when Barney saw the redheaded woman at the bar. As he got up to do what usually does, Ted asked, “Ah, Barney, where are you going?” He had the feeling all night the eccentric [to put it nicely] man was going to something he’d regret.
“You see that redhead over there?” The group-which, consisted of Ted, Marshall, Lily, and Robin, as per usual- simultaneously turned their head towards the bar. Then they turned back. “Yes?” Ted said nervously.
do-what I usually do.” Barney replied awkwardly, as he too had feeling he was going to do something he’d regret.
Robin was the next to speak. “She seems kind of old for you. And also kind of confident.” She had seen the woman earlier that evening -Donna, she thought she heard her say her name was-and she seemed at least somewhat sure of herself.
“Well,” Barney said, sounding more like his usual, arrogant. Womanizing self. “Challenge accepted!”
“But Barney –I didn’t even-issue-a –challenge.” Robin said, but he had already run off towards the bar. “Oh, fine. Go then.”
Lily threw her arms up to the heavens and cried, “Not this again! How many times are we gonna wind up back here?! The guy’s a yo-yo! He goes from endless string of one night stands that only end in sorrow, to a healthy relationship, back to the endless string of one night stands!” She slammed her hands on the table. She was taking Barney’s issues personally.
Just then a male accented voice from behind said, “Excuse me, miss, I couldn’t help overhearing,” Lily, and Robin, who were sitting on the same side of their booth-the right side to be exact, or precise- turned to face the voice and saw a gangly looking man with dark brown hair done up in a crazy style sticking out from the top of his head, dark brown eyes, wearing a light brown pinstriped suit covered by a long brown coat. “What were you saying about that gentleman ever there and one nightstands?” What they didn’t know was he had some personal interest in the matter.
“Not that long ago he was dating this woman, Nora,” Lily began, “She’s actually a very nice woman, she’s British like you, actually, anyway, they broke up and now he’s back to his old ways, which leave a path of destruction, sorrow, and degradation in their wake.”
The man started to get up, but stopped in mid-air “No, Doctor.” He thought to himself, “You can’t. If she sees you, she might remember, and if she remembers her mind will burn up and she will die.” But if what the pregnant woman said was true, he couldn’t let this horrible man degrade her. “I’ll just have to make sure she doesn’t see me then,” He said out loud, then took off.
Lily and Robin turned back around to face Ted and Marshall. Robin was the first to speak.”Okay, what was that all about?”
Ted was the next to speak. “What was that guy drinking?”
Robin turned back around, picked up the glass the man had been drinking, and sniffed it contents. It smelt like ginger. She cautiously put the glass to her lips and tasted from it. It tasted like ginger. And was carbonated. She turned back to the group.”It’s just ginger ale.”She sated, confused.
“Then why in the heck was he acting so weird? “ Ted asked. “Did someone drug it, or something?”
“That'd have to be a really strong drug.”Lily added, “If that’s the case, Robin should start acting weird in a couple minutes.”
“Hey, guys, we may have a bigger problem than that,” Marshall cut it, tapping on Ted’s shoulder, “Look.” They all turned in time to see the strange man drag a struggling Barney out of the bar. “Okay, let’s go.” Ted said, and they all got up and headed for the door.
By the time they got outside the man had Barney backed up against the wall and had a strange sliver tube shoved up in his face. “You see this?” He said. Barney nodded. “Well this,” he said then pointed it towards the sign above the door, “Can do this.” Suddenly there was buzzing sound. The group stepped back a few inches as the sign came crashing to the ground. The man turned back to Barney and said his voice palpable with anger, “So believe me when I say that if you hurt that woman in any way, I will personally throw you into a super nova! Are we perfectly clear?”
“Crystal,” Barney groaned, “I will never flirt with that woman, hit on her, or even look at her lustfully.”
The man patted Barney on the shoulder than said as if they had just had a pleasant conversation, “Have a nice day.”
Robin could contain herself no longer. “What is wrong with you?!”
The man turned to face his critic, suddenly aware the audience that had gathered in the doorway. Robin walked toward him, continuing her rant. “First, you butt in on our conversation, then you start acting all weird, when all you had was ginger ale, then you drag Barney out here, take down the sign with your weird flashlight thingy, then you threaten to throw him into a super nova, then you pat him on the shoulder like nothing happened, and tell him to have a nice day! What are you bipolar or something?!”
“Well,” The man began, “When you put it that way I can see how it can look-derange, but there I have good reasons for all of it.” The man walked towards them as he talked.”You see, I use to travel with her but then, she sorta forgot about me,” he suddenly became very somber, “But I still think of her as my best friend, still care about, so when this lady here,” He gestured toward Lily, “congratulations on the pregnancy, by the way.”
Lily smiled awkwardly, “Thank you.”
“Anyway, when she told me this guy was a pig, I knew I had to do something, and yes, I know I probably went too far, at the very least I shouldn’t have took down the sign like that, it’s completely unfair to the owner of the establishment, he didn’t do anything wrong. For that, I’m sorry.”
After a moment of silence, Barney turned to Lily and said, “You’re the one who set this guy off on me?!”
“Just for the record, I never used the word pig.”Lily responded, “And the guy’s heart was in the right place.”
“Wait, wait, wait.” Robin cut in, “What do you mean sorta forgot you? How do you sorta forget someone?”
The man hesitated. “Maybe this one time it won’t hurt to tell the whole truth.” He thought to himself. “Okay, before we get started, there’s something you need to know for everything to make sense, but you can never tell anyone, because it’s not exactly something I’m shouting it from the rooftops. “
“Well, what is it?” Ted asked
“I’m an alien.”
“As in here illegally?”
“Well, that too I suppose. But I meant the extra terrestrial variety.”
Marshall gapped, garbed Lily in both his arms and shouted, “Did you hear that, Lily?! Did you hear that?!”
“Yes, yes, Baby! Yes I did!” Lily shouted. Marshall let go of her, turned back to the man and said, “I’ve always wanted to meet alien. This-is so-awesome!”
“Hold on, you two,” Robin interrupted, “This guy is not an alien. He’s just some nutcase who thinks he’s an alien.”
“So,” The man said, tumbling through his jacket pocket, “You don’t believe me then?”
“No.” Robin said, with all the bravado she could muster.
“Well, then,” He said starting to pull out whatever he was looking for in his jacket. They all got a little a nervous. To the relief, and some confusion, all he pulled out was a stethoscope. He extended the hand holding it towards Robin.
“Are you serious?”
“As the plague.”
“Oh, just give that,” Ted snapped, and snatched the stethoscope from the man’s hand. “This is getting ridiculous.”
“It passed ridiculous five minutes ago.” Robin quipped
Ted ignored her and said to the man “Now what do you want me to do with this?”
“Just put the end on my chest,” The man instructed, guiding Ted’s hand to his chest. “Now, what do you hear?”
“Your heart beat.”
“Good. Now move it to the other side.” He led Ted’s hand to the left side of his chest. “What do you heat now?”
“Another heart beat.” Ted said slowly, “From a completely different heart. In the same chest as your other one. Oh my ga! You really are an alien!”
“Give me that!” Robin said, taking the stethoscope away from Ted. She put the ear bubs in her own ears and listened to the man’s chest. Then she moved it to the left of the chest as Ted had. Then she heard the second heat beat. “Oh my ga, he’s not crazy!” Robin shouting jumping back. “He’s really an alien!”
“Yes, “The man replied, “Now will let me finish, or are you going yell my private business out into the streets all night?”
“Can we finish this inside?” Lilly asked, rubbing herself for warmth, “It’s freezing out here.”
“We can’t.” The man stated, “Or at least, I can’t. Not with her in there. You see, the reason she forgot me, is because there was an incident and if she ever remembers me she will burn up and die. What I did just now was risky enough, I-I can’t risk it again, I just can’t.”
“Well she might not even be in there anymore,” Ted suggested, “I’ll go in and see, and if she’s gone, we can all go in.”
Two minutes latter Ted came back, and said, “Okay, I talked to Carl, and he said she went out the back after you dragged Barney out here, and suggested he call the cops, so I’m pretty sure that means she still doesn’t remember you. Don’t worry, he didn’t call the cops, I told him we had the situation under control.”
It was Barney’s turn to interrupt.”Under control? The guy tried to throw me into a super nova!”
“Hey!” The man said defensively, “I never actually tried to throw you in one. I just said I would if you messed with my friend. And I said I was sorry.”
“Can we please have this conversation inside?” Lily interjected, “There’s a pregnant lady about to get frostbite here.”
The man took off his coat, walked over to Lily, and draped his coat over her. “Thank you,” She said, Mr.-“
“Oh. I’m The Doctor.”
When they had gotten back inside, and had all got seated, The Doctor began again. “Remember how the earth moved a couple years ago?” The group nodded. [This was before the cracks in the skin of the universe had erased the event from history, you understand.] “Well, me and my friends kind of defeated the Daleks and move the earth back to here, but in the process, Donna underwent what’s called a meta crisis. A Time Lord-Human meta crisis to be exact. Time Lord, that’s what I am, anyway, basically she had my mind jammed in her head.” He suddenly became very somber as he continued. “There had-never been a Time Lord Human meta crisis before. Because there couldn’t me. My mind-it was too for her. I had to take it out her, and remove all her memories of me. It was the only way to save her. Like I said earlier, if she ever remembers me, her mind will burn up, and she’ll die.” After a moment of silence, The Doctor said, “I’ve already taken up enough of you evening. I won’t keep you any longer.”
“No, Doctor,” Lily said, putting her hand on his shoulder, “Stay. Stay a little while. At least finish your drink.” She reached behind her, brought The Doctor’s glass around and sat it down on their table. The Doctor set down and took a sip of the ginger ale awkwardly.
“So, Doctor, I gotta ask,” Robin begin curiously, “Why does an alien come to earth, come to a bar, and only order a ginger ale? I mean, can you not process alcohol or something?”
“Actually,” The Doctor answered, “I can process it; I just can’t handle my liquor very well. There was this one time in 17th century France, I had one, maybe two glasses-“
“Hold on a second,” Robin interrupted, “Did you say 17th century France?”
“Oh. Yes. I can travel through time, too. Hence the name, Time Lord.”
Robin wanted to say the time travel was impossible, but then she remembered she hadn’t believed in aliens until a few minutes ago, so she decided to steer the subject back to why he was there. “So, about the ginger ale-“
“Oh. Yes. I had a rough day; I just came in here to unwind a little bit before I went back to the TARDIS. The TARDIS, that’s my space time machine. Normally, I’d just head back but, this was a really rough one, it was even worse than the last time I was in New York. Well, maybe not worse than the last time I was in New York, because that was pretty bad, with the crazy Irish murderess, and that poor Topibic girl, and the FBI and UNIT got into the fist fight that turned into a riot. But then this, ugh, a Draconian kidnapped a man, and the one guy wasn’t really a lawyer, and there was that sign-“
“Wait a second.” Ted said, “The FBI and UNIT got into a fist fight? And it turned into a riot?”
“What’s UNIT?” Robin asked
“It stands unified intelligence taskforce.” Marshall answered. “It’s a British military organization, it’s been-rumored they’re involved in alien stuff. Now what’s this about some guy saying he’s a lawyer when he’s not?” A lawyer himself, Marshall took anyone claiming to be a lawyer who wasn’t personally.
“Perhaps I need to explain a few things.” The Doctor said
“Yes, you do.” Ted said, “And please, start with the last time you were in New York.”
And so the stories began.