Shoot to Kill

November 12, 2011
By JasonMayne, Naples, Florida
JasonMayne, Naples, Florida
0 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
" If we don't help each other, who will?" "Your flaws can be your greatest weapon"
"Determination is the simple price you pay for acheivemet"
"The body can achieve what the mind can perceive"


Summary:

Jason is a 15-years old assassin, working for the mysterious Organization. When Jason leave one of his target alive, it came taunting him. Jason and two other army are fighting to get their hand on Hypertracker. Jason put his training to work and swiftly kills two birds with one stone.

Tags: Military


Mike D.

Shoot to Kill


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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This book has 8 comments.


on Nov. 21 2011 at 11:08 pm
Vivian229 SILVER, Colfax, California
6 articles 3 photos 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
“Well if you were perfect then you would be like a god, unattainable. I like to think that you are almost perfect, that one lucky girl can be the one to ‘attain’ you. I mean if you were perfect, or god like, there would be no way any girl would have a chance with you.”

Great story but I had a hard time following it because of the dialogue. When a new person speaks you need to start a new paragraph to indicate that a new person is talking because people will think that it is the same person talking. I have troubles with grammer, spelling, and whatnot and what I usually do is have a friend read it over before I post. I really did enjoy reading it though.

on Nov. 17 2011 at 8:56 pm
Jappyalldayeveryday, Detroit, Michigan
0 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
They say that good things take time, but really great things happen in the blink of an eye

Lol for some reason when I commented it logged me in on my old account, sorry

J.A.P. said...
on Nov. 17 2011 at 8:01 pm
J.A.P., Private Village, Alaska
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Just do it"

It's your grammar that's bad, the book isn't bad at all, it's a great idea :) But even in the summary of the book, for example: "Jason leave one of his target alive," should be "Jason leaves one of his targets alive" or "Jason left one of his targets alive." There are many more grammar errors in the summary and the book too. I think you should just reread the book and fix those errors, and the book would be good.

JasonMayne said...
on Nov. 17 2011 at 5:10 pm
JasonMayne, Naples, Florida
0 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
" If we don't help each other, who will?" "Your flaws can be your greatest weapon"
"Determination is the simple price you pay for acheivemet"
"The body can achieve what the mind can perceive"

Is it my gammar that's bad or the whole book? If it's my grammar, then what are the mistakes?

on Nov. 17 2011 at 3:17 pm
Jappyalldayeveryday, Detroit, Michigan
0 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
They say that good things take time, but really great things happen in the blink of an eye

To be honest I couldn't even get through this whole book because of the grammar. It was pretty bad. However, it seems like you have a good story, just the grammar needs fixing and the story needs to be more organized.

JasonMayne said...
on Nov. 17 2011 at 2:58 pm
JasonMayne, Naples, Florida
0 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
" If we don't help each other, who will?" "Your flaws can be your greatest weapon"
"Determination is the simple price you pay for acheivemet"
"The body can achieve what the mind can perceive"

Yes, there will be more book. I'm planning on a Jaso Mayne series.

on Nov. 17 2011 at 11:42 am
AnimaCordis GOLD, London, Other
13 articles 0 photos 132 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Evil is when the good do nothing"

l like your story. Jason is epic, to but it simply. I like how you write action, and how your story is a narrative.  Will there be more books with this chracter?

on Nov. 17 2011 at 8:10 am
CarrieAnn13 GOLD, Goodsoil, Other
12 articles 10 photos 1648 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." --Douglas Adams

"The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane." --Marcus Aurelius

Okay, I have a bit of criticism.

1.  More description.  I really want to know more about what's going on and need to learn it from a source other than the dialogue.

2.  You should work on your grammar, particularly the plural/singular usage.

3.  Try reading your dialogue aloud; it sounds kind of stiff.  Try making it sound a bit more realistic.

I think you've got good potential here, but if you fix up those things, your story would be even better!



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