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Looking Back

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Yoruko
Looking Back
Summary: The afterlife. It's a lot like medieval Europe, just worse. Mandisa, a pretty typical peasant girl save some reckless propensities and quick wit, leads a relatively normal life. Around her though is the stirring of revolution which she is swept up in. But when things go awry, she loses everyone she loves. Alone and on the run from the murderous soldiers sent to eradicate her village, she finds her only solace in a mysterious necklace bestowed upon her by her mother before her death. Along the road she finds friends in odd places and discovers strengths in herself she never dreamt of having. But nothing is perfect and after a bout of romance she is sent spiraling down, meeting an all time low. But, with the unexpected arrival of Rain, a girl from our world, Mandisa is given the opportunity to turn her life around. Can Rain help or will Mandisa's cursed luck prevail again? You'll have to find out for yourself.





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Garnet77 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 2, 2011 at 8:51 pm

I've only read the first chapter, but I really like it so far. I only have a few things that could be fixed. First of all, the fact that the dialogue is all in one paragraph sometimes confuses me as to whose speaking, so maybe separate those. It would look a lot clearner, for one, and I just find it easier to read.

 

Secondly, I found Mandisa wasn't as upset as she should have been about her mother's death. I guess maybe try to add a sense of sympathy for the character, bec... (more »)

 
Yoruko replied...
Jun. 3, 2011 at 5:32 pm
Thanks for your ideas.  I went back and I can see how you can say that and I very much agree.  I'll fix it as soon as I can. (I'm currently revising the sequel so I'm busy) Thank you so much!
 

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