How To Be A Self Proclaimed Wine Expert

February 19, 2013
By , Wrightstown, NJ
You are at a nice restaurant, open the menu and there lies endless choice next to each is a wine pairing. It seems nowadays the circulation of conversations happen to be about wine. Restaurants are now getting specialists and such to provide for this growing interest. Which means the food is more expensive and smaller portions because "the wine is the star" they say. In the past few years wine has been quite the topic, everyone is a wine connoisseur. I've never known so many people to pick up such a craft so quick. From my perspective, you squish grapes- add the alcohol stuff- bottle it- let it sit- then mark it up to an unreasonable price. But from what I've come to understand it is much more than that. There is a certain "je ne sais quoi" about it. Here are some steps I have come up with to help you understand wine enough to call yourself an expert.

Step One: Finding the right wine
How dare you think you can just walk into Canal's thinking "any bottle will do".

Research your menu: Wine is supposed to make your food taste better. Don't expect the chef to do anything fancy because his job is just to make a decent meal since the restaurant cut his pay to get fancier wine- because the "The wine enhances your senses and pallet while eating".

Not Going Out? Plan out what you are making three days ahead. There are certain "flavors" per say in the wine that must coordinate with your dinner. And since the guy who made wine was lazy- this bottle has got to sit for another 3 days [Yes, the magic 3. Don't understand the reference? Stop reading and slam your laptop down on your fingers (shame on you).] So it's perfect. But you better have a wine rack or proper shelving because this beauty can't sit on its own. You didn't buy a bottle of wine, you bought a child.

Still confused? Wine ain't your thing. Ain't nobody got time to teach you! You mind as well purchase a $10 bottle and eat some Mickey D's with that because there is no helping you. This is "dumbed" down for a reason. If you haven't learned a single thing at this point then please, do my the favor, drink some bad wine with the wrong meal and forever sulk in the pity of what was the worst meal of your life because you drank "cheap" wine with the wrong meal(double whammy) and your life is just over because of you stupidity. Thank you.

Step Two: Storage
What makes you think that you can take that beautiful $200 bottle of liquid gold and put it in the fridge. You must have the ever most perfect catalyst for such a prized possession.

Purchase [what is your new child] for a few days head so it can sit until it decides it is ripe.

Wine racks:
Go Hip, with the rising army of hipsters getting larger and larger you find furniture companies getting more minimal with their designs [if it looks cheap and weird- it's hip]. If you really want to go super hip subscribe to a non- mainstream corporation furniture magazine and you'll find the perfect one. I saw in a weird magazine one that was a plank with three holes in it. I guess you hang it on the wall and put the bottles in the holes? The fact that I can't remember the name of the magazine or how this thing is supposed to work just proves how hip it is.
Go Classic, the usual wooden diamond designed rack. "If they use them in Italy then they must be the best!" they say, "If they smoke 5 cigars a day in Italy then they must be immune to lung cancer and it must be the best!" I say. On a less sarcastic yet still sarcastic note: these racks are nice, they now come built into cabinets and they even make some that you can install yourself [call home improvement for this one- you cannot do everything yourself]. Be aware that you must get the perfect wood that will compliment the wine, after all glass is apparently porous and flavor can still get through so the right wood can really accent the liquid life within the glass chamber. To obtain one of these beauties, you must give an arm, a leg, a year of your life, and a mortgage payment to have one.
Don't have a rack? Well, at this point you should cry yourself to sleep every night until you get one. What makes you think that you can take this liquid life fruit and throw it in the fridge? This ain't no Olive Garden! Be ashamed, very ashamed. If you do not have proper storage for such gold then I have one suggestion for you: Boxed Wine. Yes, that's right I said the "B" word, BOXED. I'm sorry it's come to this but if you cannot provide the proper storage for this delicacy then how do you expect to drink it- IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. I mean, come one, this bottle is your child- therefore be able to provide proper quarters for it to sleep in before you go and get it. Think next time, seriously, don't go around calling yourself an expert if you don't even have a shelf/ rack.

Step Three: Drinking it
No you don't just gulp this down like a vodka shot from Friday's. You must put on your sophisticated pants and make ever sip last a lifetime.

Stop, Look, and Listen: Ok it's arrived at your table. The star of the evening- the glass of nectar. Stop whatever you are doing because you are a real self- proclaimed pro and need to see if this is "good" wine. Did you pay a lot for this glass? If so then that's a good sign. Now you need to do that fancy swish of the glass- keep it slow, this isn't a rave, if the residue left from the swish is brighter or the same color as the rest of the wine then you can breathe. It's all good in the hood! This wine is good. "The more you pay the better the wine" they say, "The more you pay and the more drunk you get- the better the time." I say. Now get in close and listen to the wine. What is it saying to you? Don't let you salivating slobber control your ears. Expensive wine is real quiet so listen close and keep you saliva in your mouth. Your wine should whisper something like "I'm better than you" or "Drink me, I'm now getting anymore room temperature you nit-whit." This means it is perfect, "good" wine doesn't lie.

Swirling for a Whirling: Now it's time for the typical cliché of wine drinking. Swirl that honey! Don't go crazy, we aren't at a drive bar, this is trendy so play it cool and channel your inner hipster. The perfect swish is truly important. Some experts recommend training your wrist weeks before you drink. Try filling a glass with some cheap boxed wine and swish that baby until it tastes good. Now if you're looking for a good time then swish with integrity and wait for the wine to settle down from that good time in the bottom of your glass. Then the drips on the side of your glass reveal if your night is going to be a good time or a waste of time. The thicker the drips- the more alcohol- the better the night. Everyone wants to be that table of trendy friends who cackle like crazy and have a good time while being classified as sophisticated since they are drinking wine.

Nose Taste First: After this swish defines the future of your night [like a fancy fortune cookie] you can now sniff. The infamous sniff that lets you know "what's up down in here". Your nose needs to taste this wine! Feel free to take a deep snort so you can really embody the taste of this beauty.

SIPPING PERFECTION: Finally, our mouths are salivating like a bull dog staring at stake, and we are ready to get "schwasted" off this fancy life- liquid. Start by lifting your glass to your face in slow motion. Next you kiss the wine followed by a vacuum- like suction to "aerate" the wine. It helps to sound like a vacuum while you do this- the more authentic the more your wine appreciates you. YOU MUST NOT SWALLOW THIS OR ELSE IT TURNS TO POISON. It has to sit comfortably on my tongue for one minute. Please, bring a timer with you because this is the most important minute of your life and you can't drink it early or late. Once you have been relieved by this sentiment you may swallow this wine.

If you don't do these in order... I have nothing to say except that you are obviously not meant to be a trendy wine drinker.

Step Four: Appreciate
Well you've had your sip now tell the wine how good it is! Everyone needs to hear some encouragement so they can be the best they can be!

Tell this sweet life liquid how good it is. The wine prefers you tell them in a baby voice- the one you use on your dogs.

Recite some of you old SAT words that stuck with you to the wine, it helps make the wine more sophisticated. Use them casually in conversation to help the wine understand them.

Sweet talk it a little. We all like some compliments, so for a feisty wine give it some sugar. It helps even more if you use some Spanish, I highly recommend it.
That's it! I hope you found this helpful and will use this to fit in at that next work party or with your new sophisticated hipster friends. Please, use this to feel like an expert and call yourself one! Heck, everyone is an expert nowadays. "I'm an expert." they say...

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