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The Failure of Mr. Sandwich

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Every day at lunchtime, millions of kids unwrap their lunch and groan in disappointment as they survey the smooshed remains of their once-appealing sandwiches. Peanut butter and jelly is now fruit-scented pond scum, mayo has sunk into the Wonderbread, and processed ham is sliding out from under the “cheese” slices. And so instead of going into a nation of empty bellies, these "sandwiches" (if they can even be called that) are thrown into the trash.
Now, tradition is something deeply cherished in our culture. But there comes a time when tradition has run its course, and even the most beloved, time-treasured rituals must be chucked out the window during the road trip of life. For the sandwich, that time has come.

What makes a good sandwich? Tasty bread, tasty stuff in between the bread, and a careful balance between the two, calculated for maximum tastiness. By this definition, a Subway sandwich, for example, is almost ideal. But whenever I eat Subway, the tasty stuff always falls out while I'm eating it! So the whole point of the sandwich is spilling out the other end as I attempt to enjoy that sandwich's excuse for existing!
Another major component is the bread holding the tasty stuff. In order to be tasty, bread generally needs to be moist and squishable. But the more moist the bread, the less firm it is, and thus the less effective it is at doing its job of holding the tasty contents! You can't win against the sandwich! It’s like Batman, except Batman travels well!
According to dictionary.com, the term "sandwich" was coined sometime in the 1700's. That's at least 200 years ago. We've been eating sandwiches for over 200 years. And we still haven't figured out a way to make the crust not taste like stale cardboard? You'd think that would be the first thing we'd do to improve sandwiches! If we haven't even gotten that far in sandwich-making technology, who's to say we'll ever get there?
Now, I understand that alternatives exist for the everyday sandwich, such as the hoagie. The hoagie has firm but tasty bread that can stand up to hours of storage with condiments, and no traditionally terrible crust. But every time I prepare a hoagie, I’m irked by the same thing: one side is shut! With bread! So there’ll always be more bread on one side than on the other! It’s not symmetrical! Which is a compromise I am unwilling to make, and the same should be said for you. Let us bury the sandwich in the tomb of obsolescence, right next to snail mail and cowboy hats. You, sandwich, are fired. America no longer needs you.





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