Trolls Trolls Everywhere

December 1, 2011
Trolls are hiding everywhere. No, not the trolls with the hot pink hair or the ones that creep under bridges to wait for poor fairy tale characters; they all pale in comparison. The most terrifying, the most disgusting and cunning trolls of them all are the ones to be feared. The internet troll. They have the power to follow and stalk anyone anywhere through the many wires and inner workings of the internet they call home. The dastardly creatures will plod around in the shadows, waiting and creating entertainment for themselves. Most of the time, this entertainment comes at the cost of other’s frustration, anger, and sometimes even fear itself. Weapons consisting of foul words and over used memes are always at the hand of a troll, constantly at the ready for any attack. Of course, as with any animal, there are different species and types of trolls. There are trolls that are harmless, just looking for a laugh, while others can ruin the best day of anyone’s life in under five minutes.

The Rick Rollers

New fads and memes pop up every day, every hour even. These new additions to the internet provide a constant source of nutrition for the variety of troll that fall under the Rick Roller category. Rick Rollers will always use whatever meme they can get their grubby little hands on. Whether they interrupt an amazing video with a dose of Rick Roll, that they are so obviously named after, or randomly burst into a long argument about the lying cake and rainbow poptart cats from Japan, meme trolls will never get tired of a good meme, until a new one comes out of course. The main population of this species lacks an imagination; they like to stay in their comfort zone hugging their stuffed longcat toys. They make sure no internet user is safe from crazed mudkip addicts or the lolcat army that rapidly increases in number every time the dark side refuses new comers their cookies. Now, now, these Rick Rollers can’t be oh so horrible, just let them have their obsessed rants and videos and they’ll be happy as can be.
Or will they?

The Not so Heroic Heroes

Heroes are always the ones that swoop in to save the day. Unfortunately for these ‘heroes’ they tend to do more harm than good whenever they come into the picture. These ‘white knights’, as they are more commonly known, rush in to protect and defend any defenseless victim of internet attack and abuse. Though sounding noble in their causes, Not so Heroic Heroes only worsen the situation. They will aggravate everyone and toss insults left and right to try and get a point across. In the end the original argument is long forgotten and the victim is either annoyed to the point of no return or stuck in the middle of a flame war they rather stay out of. If an unfair comment is made, they will be there. If an insult is called, they will be there. They will be there even when they are unwanted and unloved by every soul in the chat room. Alas, tis the tale of a lonely hero. They might have gained a bit of pity, had it not been for their poor grammar and idiotic ways.

Posers Posing as Teens Posing as Other People (PPTPOP’s)

Posers Posing as Teens Posing as Other People are those creepy, old dirt bags everyone and their mom has warned a new internet user about. PPOTPOPs are one of the most dangerous species of troll. With their convoluted plans to lure unsuspecting teens into their traps, they set up dates and times for a meeting in real life. Surely a smart web surfer would know not to fall for such a thing? The answer would be no. These dangerous trolls will put up fake pictures and information, slowly reeling in a new ‘friend’ with lies and empty promises of friendship. Basically, PPOTPOPs are the ones running around in white vans offering candy to young children. They must be avoided at any and all costs.

Hellfire Flamer

From the deepest pits of places that shall not be named, demonic trolls are born; the lowest of the low, the haters, the Hellfire Flamers. Their soulless mission that they have been given is to reek havoc on self esteem and blood pressure levels. Hellfire Flamers will snap and snuff out any sense of controversy even when it does not exist. What they take part in is online bullying to the extreme. Every insult and dirty minded word that they type on their keyboards aim to destroy whatever they can. Be it a website, a page, or even a person’s life, the Hellfire flamer will not stop until the source of their entertainment has withered away under their relentless posting. There is a simple way to rid the internet of this species; ignorance is bliss and the way to go here, but with raising tempers and mounting boredom the demon’s supply will never disappear.

All in all, these are only a few types of trolls. Many more subspecies are left to be uncovered by innocent internet users as they roam the vast mysteries of the internet. With so many more left to sort out and catalog, the idea to find them all may be impossible. But for the safety, and possible entertainment of humans and computers alike, these creatures need to be found and defenses against them must be created. Eventually, a guide to trolls may be found, or written. This guide would be a precious book to lean and study from, the perfect tool against the animals humanity knows today as trolls.

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