People are beaten down and broken by life’s intense events. To cope with and compensate for their pain, they often  bond with something that gives them a sense of relief. This is addiction in action: a substance that crawls into lives and snuggles up to those it takes hostage. Of course, this disease does not only alter the life of its host, but also the lives of the addict’s close friends and family members.

In America, 25% of children grow up in households with substance abuse present. This statistic found its way into my life at a young age. I cannot count the number of days I didn’t feel safe when school let out. Many days there was a wave of panic and anxiety, and others, relief. This depended on my mom’s ability to drive, whether she passed the “sober or not” test, evaluated by me – her nine-year-old daughter. My dad and I always knew my mother had a problem with alcohol, but after their divorce her need for relief was much stronger. Mentally and physically, my mom was breaking, and as a kid I had to decide whether staying with my own mother was safe.

I didn’t want to leave her, but the reality of her condition was screaming at me every day. I started living with my dad full time after too many nights of not knowing where my mom was and those stress-inducing drives home. You don’t want to hurt the ones you love at any age, and it especially hurts to abandon someone you’ve looked up to and watched hurt themselves constantly.

We’ve tried helping her and she has been to rehab, but it never resulted in her being reliable or stable. I kept thinking she was selfish for dragging me into her mess, and I wanted nothing more than to ask her why she couldn’t just stop. How can she not see what she is doing to me and everyone she knows?

I started looking up ways to cope and help my mom see my point of view. I’ve learned that you have to change your own way of thinking. I had to come to terms with how little control I had in the situation. There was nothing I could do or say that would make my mom stop drinking. I had to accept that making hard or hurtful decisions could actually help her. By leaving an addict, you stop them from manipulating you. By ignoring them, you give them a chance to think. Realizing what their substance abuse is doing to those they love may motivate them to change. You can’t control them, their recovery, or the pain you feel, but you can control how you see your situation.

I wish I had known what I needed to do to help my mom earlier on. People are taught to support and help those they love, but in most cases, enabling the addict only worsens their condition because they know that even if everything is bad they can rely on you to support their behavior. I want to help others who know a loved one who has been seized by addiction’s tight grip, and to give them ways to cope that will benefit them and the addict.

Here is my advice:

1. Step back and realize your situation

Realization has to be the first step before any change. If you cannot realize that your loved one has a problem and that their addiction affects your life and others’ lives, then you are not ready to help them or yourself. If you lie to yourself and think the situation is fine and the addict has ‘minor’ slip ups, then you will keep feeding their addiction. You have to be ready if you want change.

2. Find out why you help/protect them

It’s not wrong to help and support those you love, especially if they have been there for you at some tough points in your life. In some cases, you’re stuck with that person and their addiction whether you like it or not. Identifying the reason you stay with them is important because it allows you find a way to get out of your role as their support system.

3. Understand they have changed

The person you see is different then what they used to be. They have a different mindset and they have different priorities. Don’t expect them to understand how you feel. Realizing who they were and who they are now is important. In most cases the addict denies having changed, which is frustrating, but don’t let that make you think they haven’t.

4. Give them space

This is a long and difficult process because staying with them and helping them will only worsen their condition. If you truly love and want to help someone, you have to give them space in order for them to heal. They won’t realize their addiction until the emotional pain of losing someone they love outweighs their choice to abuse a substance. You don’t have to ignore them but you do need to stop whatever you are doing that makes their addiction easier.

5. Leaving sometimes makes things worse before they get better

Don’t expect things to fix themselves instantly. In my experience, my mom got worse every day I was away from her. She even threatened to take her life a few times. There were many times I wanted to just go back, but staying strong was better for us in the long run. Don’t give up. If you ever feel like it’s impossible to stay away, this next tip will help.

6. Distract yourself

Finding things that help you cope are very important. Find a hobby that occupies your time and takes your mind off your situation. Go to people you can easily talk to – never bottle up how you feel. If you can’t confide in anyone, write a blog or story. Expressing how you feel is key to being happy and coping in your situation.

7. Don’t blame the addict

Let them know you love them and you want them to get better. Don’t hate them, because the addiction is the true enemy – that is what you are trying to fight – not the person. Try to imagine how difficult it is for the addict. Understand their situation and don’t get angry or impatient. Sometimes things won’t work out, but you can keep letting the person know you love them.

8. Talk to someone

There are always people to talk to and numerous places to get help or post your thoughts and feelings. Find someone to talk to or a safe place to post your feelings – because bottling it up will make things worse.

• Substance Abuse and Mental Health

Services Hotline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

• al-anon.org F