Love is strange. It’s a feeling you only understand when you’re in it. When you’re in love it gives you those butterflies and makes you feel like your falling hoping someone will catch you in the end, but when you aren’t in love it’s like a void. Your heart knows that feeling exists but it can’t recreate it. Nothing can fill that void. Not having anything in the place of love isn’t necessarily a bad thing, in fact if you’re in love with someone who isn’t gonna be the one for you in the end, it’s almost a better feeling not to be in love and to have that void, but that doesn’t make the hole in your heart feel any more full.
For me it’s like this. When I loved the first time, I wasn’t sure what was going on. Each feeling was new and confusing. Although I loved him with everything I knew, I didn’t love him the way true love works (reguardless of how I felt at the time we all know at 16 I didn’t fully understand what loving someone unconditionally meant). On to the next relationship, I thought this time was different, and I guess in some reguards it was. I loved deeper, I was more genuine, I was less scared, I was more confident and overall had a deeper understanding of what Love and wanting the best for someone really meant. But now, now that love has faded it almost feels like a dream. I can’t relive the memories the way I used to. It’s like a movie without sound. I can replay moments from all different parts of the relationship but I can’t feel the emotion. I can picture every laugh, kiss and tear that ever came from loving him but yet my mind and heart still feels blank. I don’t get it. I don’t know what this is and I think that’s what makes it seem like I’m still hung up on him. I was so confident he was the one and now that I think otherwise, I am questioning every feeling I had for him. Did I love him or was I just more mature? Why am I still thinking of him? Is it because I miss him or is it because I don’t know what else to think about? I’m so lost this time. Not in a panicked or scared way but just genuinely confused. It hurts but more as an ache that I may never get rid of. What was so special about my second love? Why do I feel so empty with this void? Is it really meant to be like this? Am I really suppose to be without pain but yet no joy? I don’t know and I sure miss knowing.