I only ever needed one reason to stay despite all the reasons to run for the hills. Despite the tears and the heartache I would have stayed for a simple ‘I love you’. It was all I needed to hear. Three small, simple words. How f***ing hard is that right? I said it. I said it almost every single day because it was true. It was a loud, punch you in the gut, I would die for you kind of love.
But they didn’t love me. I don’t think they ever loved me if we’re being honest here. I mean, if they had loved me they would have fought harder to make me stay. They would have tried harder… right? I mean, I would have straight up taken a bullet for them. And a heart break like that? It’s a hard one to come back from. Especially if it’s the first time you’ve ever felt that way. The first time that a simple kiss made you dizzy and deliriously happy. A heartbreak like that makes you fall down a dark and murky spiral. Some people never come back from a heartbreak like that. Some people let it consume them. It turns their hearts black and makes them cold, makes them give up on themselves, makes them numb. A wall is built, everyone around them is pushed away to avoid ever feeling that way again. They wonder why they were never good enough, why they couldn’t do better.
We never remember that it was the other person that did wrong do we? Blame ourselves when it was no where near our fault. We always forget that there are two people in a relationship, that it ‘takes two to Tango’ as they say. You forget that you did nothing wrong and now you can’t eat, you can’t sleep, you can’t think, you can’t even smile, all because you think you broke the heart of someone that never even loved you in the first place. You can’t break something that was never really there my friend. If they didn’t love you, that is their fault and their fault alone.
Love is messy. Love is mean and cruel and a love like this? A love like this is the worst feeling in the world. A love like this follows you for days, weeks, months, years even. It leaves you wondering what if. It leaves you to pick up the pieces of your heart that have been shattered into millions of pieces, trying desperately to stick it back together armed with nothing but a hot glue gun and a roll of half used duct tape.
My heart will never be wholly glued back together, and that’s okay right? Who wants perfect? No one is ever perfect. No one is ever completely clean. No one can be completely put together because, like love, life is messy and mean and cruel. But, like love, it can be loud and wonderful and captivating. It can make you dizzy and happy and full. A complete and utter cluster f*** of emotion. A love like that will break you, it will keep you up at night with tears on your cheeks and a heavy rock sitting on your heart. And in the morning you won’t want to get out of bed, you won’t even want to get up. But you will.
One day you will rise from the ashes that is your burnt and broken heart, one day you will forget the harsh words and the lingering feeling of unwanted hands won’t hurt so bad anymore and you will be better. You will love richer, you will smile wider, you will be kinder. You may never forget, and that’s okay, because the memories will strengthen you. And guess what;
You will be okay.