Call Me Split

March 16, 2018

Why? I don’t know. I don’t feel normal right now. I mean, I am never normal, but I don’t feel how I normally do. How do you normally feel? I’m sure you feel something. Not mentally. Are you not happy? What are your thoughts right now? Create something new. Can’t create. Nothing new to create. Aren’t allowed to create more. Stuck. Stuck and blank and frozen and ready. Ready for next. What comes next when you are stuck? Not ready for all the rest. Like to think the rest is how I want it to be. Ready. That is what is running through my brain right now. Be stuck with something. Be stuck with the good things. I hate being stuck. When I am stuck I can’t think straight, I can’t sleep, I don’t want to eat, I want to cry but nothing will come out I can’t feel music, and I stop being able to be creative. I can’t be stuck even if it is in the good things. I am the type of person who is very aware of needing to grow and I am just not having anything to grow in anything right now and I am stuck and it is driving me insane and the worst part is I have a feeling I am going to be stuck for a very long time and I can’t change it. But why do you feel this way, what is it about being stuck not being able to grow that makes you hate it. I can’t be in the same place, I can’t do the same things over and over, I can’t eat the same thing every day, I can’t do it. I have to let it out, I have to change, I have to be creative and spontaneous and try something new and I have to let it out, but I can’t let it out. It won’t come out because it can’t. It is all being forced back down and I am screaming on the inside and it is killing me and I hate it so much. And I just want to scream or explode but there is nothing to scream or explode about and it hurts. It makes me feel dead and useless and like the reason I was put on this earth won’t function right. Scream and explode about how there’s nothing to scream and explode about. The world is your sandbox. You are your sandbox. There’s always something that needs fixing in the world. The world always works, August. The world never stops. Your purpose is always being fulfilled and even if it isn’t there is always something that you needed for because you are meant for great things. You are meant to fix things, and this doesn’t mean fixing like a repair shop, but instead fixing the world and showing how the creativity outshines everything else. You are here to fix. You are always doing things. Please realize that because even if you are going insane from not fixing anything, you are still repairing me. There is always something in the world but there is not always something for me and you don’t understand how it feels because even when you are bored you can just go to your nothing hox and except it, but I can’t just scream and explode about nothing to scream and explode about because they cancel out and all I am left with is nothing and I can’t do it because I just can’t. I know what I am here for and it is not to fix the world and I can only help or fix or create things from inside my own head and when there is nothing inside to create I can’t do anything I was put here to do. There is always something but not always something for me and I can only do what I am supposed to do. And when you say I am fixing you I am only doing that with what has already been shared and come out and I have nothing inside to offer and it rips me apart for some reason. And you said my name and I was happy for a split second before I started crying even harder for some reason because I can’t be myself when I have a messed up head and I just want to let out everything and hug you and have everything I love about you known and have everything that ticks me off about you be known too because it is just more stuff I love about you at the same time, but I can’t because the screaming in my head is too loud for anyone to hear the rest and it is too much for me to handle. That is something that happens to me daily, something that I can’t help, something that I can’t fix about. What? Me. What I think about... just me. Me and my thoughts. The thoughts that I hate because every day, no matter what, there will be a point where I shut down and all there is, is me. What I think about when I shut down like this, I don’t like, and then later I hate myself for it because I don’t know how tell someone about how I feel because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of what I say may hurt someone and that makes me afraid because I don’t want to hurt anyone. But ultimately I end up hurting myself out of this fear and I hate myself because I can’t do anything about it. I hate myself because no one will understand. I hate myself because it’s... just... me. Just me inside this box, inside this box that never opens. A box without a single tear in it to shine light. A box in a place where no one can hear me. A box that is flooding like water with my thoughts and with me inside it. A box that gets thrown around and beaten up. A box that I can’t escape because I don’t know what will happen if I do. And I constantly look for answers. But to no avail. And the worst part is that I can help other people, but the price is I can’t help myself. I think we both lost the key to that one because I can’t seem to find the one that opens my box either. Yeah, I have one too. It is dark and isolated, but I don’t hate myself for it. I don’t hate the things in that box, but I never tell anyone what is in it because I’d be ashamed if anyone knew what was in it. I am different. I let so much about myself out in the world. Everything except that box. I know there was something false about what you just wrote me. You said, “I hate myself because no one will understand.” Well let me tell you something. That is exactly where you are wrong! You’d be a freaking hell of a lot surprised of what I understand. What I for real understand unlike anyone on the whole entire planet! How much I understand everything. How much I understand that it is okay to not be happy all of the time. How much I understand that there is always a deep dark corner of a person that they won’t tell anyone. How much understand that people like you and me think bad thoughts. I know things you wouldn’t think I would. I understand things that nobody would think I would. Now I have a key and it isn’t a match to unlock my door. Maybe it’ll unlock yours. If anyone is going to unlock it, I’d hope it was me because I don’t think there is much in this world you could say to make me love you any less than I do. Do you still feel like screaming? Yeah why? How do you get through it? To calm it, I picture myself outside in the dark. It is calm. I hear crickets. I hear cars passing. I am standing in the road. You and Gwen are there and when all is still and quiet, in my head, I scream. I picture myself running down the street screaming my head off and not caring. I scream until I fall to ground or slow down into a drunk looking walk. Then I picture myself cry laughing. And it brings me peace and calls me down and if I need to cry in real life then I do it. I let go. And if you still can’t fight the urge to scream then scream into your pillow. And if you don’t want anyone to hear, but you can’t contain it any longer just take a pillow and scream and cry into it and beat your bed with it and throw it at the wall. And the last thing that helps me get through it is talking to someone I love about it. Getting help before I make the wrong choice because I thought about making that wrong choice before and I had 3 panic attacks over the things that got me to that point. All at separate times. It was horrible so scream and cry and talk and don’t die because that part is real. It is always real when it comes from me. Save yourself before you can’t. Like I said, when you are about to fall off the edge, grab the hand of someone who is strong enough to hold you back from falling off the cliff. But the thing is for me. It doesn’t feel like it’s going to work just to scream into a pillow or to cry. For one, I don’t and can’t cry unless I’m laughing. Two I don’t like being violent. And the thing is that what I want to get rid of is more like a cancer instead a breath of air. It keeps growing and killing me and I have to go deep down to get rid of it instead of just being able to let it go. I can be at peace, but it will only solve the problem for that instance and no longer because when after that I start rethinking about it. There is a part of me that is like cancer too. The difference is it has exploded several times and each time it gets easier for me to push it back down which in turn makes it worse every time it comes back because I can’t let it out and then it builds and kills me all on the inside and there is nothing I have ever been able to do about it except subvert it back down under the light inside. But for some reason, it still explodes every once in a while. How I picture that is there is darkness that builds up under the fire that is the lit up place. When the dark place gets too built up it explodes and that part isn’t as bad as what comes next. On the outside, what I’ve mentioned so far is just depression. Then the dark place clashes with the fire light place and it ignites, bursts into flames and sets me on fire. This is the screaming/ panic attack part of me. It is like I am locked up in chains and I am being burned alive. This is my sickness. The pain just attacks at random. It consumes all of me until I am not me anymore. This time, I think the two places, darkness and fire/light/happiness hit each other and instead of exploding that cancelled out and I became numb and emotionless. I don’t know how to get rid of it because it never goes away unless my happiness goes with it. You don’t want that either. It is like when you try to have emotions it is just nothingness. From personal experience, there is no way to get rid of it. There is no cure for this cancer.


That’s why I compare it to cancer because there is no cure for cancer. There is only treatment. If there was one word to describe how I feel at times, it would be deep.


If there were three words to describe how I affect people and how the inside compares to the outside it would be ticking time bomb because truth be told I am explosive and one day I am going to blow up again. I am sorry in advance. It’s okay. I want to be with you when it happens so I can be there for you. Because isn’t that why we are here? To be there for each other? That’s the funny part is you might be able to tell when it is coming because I stop talking to people and then the exploding process starts. And we probably are here for each other. Some more than others. I don’t want to accuse people. That’s another one of my fears is that when I say something I’m afraid they might feel like they are being accused.


In my opinion, speak your mind. If they don’t like it they can suck it up or if it is going to turn into something just re-explain or tell them it was the truth and if they actually care about you they will accept your honesty. But everything is a what if, then based off my fear. I contemplate every moment of my life and at every moment what I do. How are you this fearful? I’m afraid of being alone. That’s what it comes down to. That’s my biggest fear. Even if I’m surrounded by people I care about, sometimes in that moment when I’m with them, I still feel so alone. Unless I die, you are not going to be alone for a long time. Also, you’d be surprised at what people accept. I mean, have you heard how I talk to people. Look at how many people still care about me even though I speak my mind. I am but a lost soul. You can’t find your way through the dark path home without a light. “You lit my light. Let me light yours.” My light goes out quite often. The difference here is I know how to hold back to darkness without a light. I do too. I just am in that darkness all the time. You need to escape it. I said I’d protect you and I am trying but I don’t know how because the only time I am in the darkness is when I explode.

 

“Sometimes we will die and sometimes we will fly away. Either way you’re by my side until my dying days. If I’m not there and I’m far away, I said, ‘Don’t be afraid.’” I’m in the dark. When you’re sitting next to me and I’m staring off into space, I’m in the dark. Whenever I’m with my friends, I’m in the dark. It’s something that lurks and stalks me and I can’t get away and I’ve just succumb to it because I’ve accepted it. And I screamed why for the own reaction in my head was not what it should have been. And on that note I said, “I love you and goodnight.” Good night. I love you too. More than you know.






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