Inexperienced Hope

February 26, 2018

As someone who is inexperienced in a matter such as this, I have nothing to say. In a matter such as this I don’t know what to do. I could say “feel better”, but how would you control what happens in the future? I could say “You can get through this”, but I don’t even know if you can. I could say “I hope you get well”, but why should I bring my hopes up when I’ve already heard what the doctors have to say? I could say all of these things, but there’s no point in saying something that I don’t believe or mean. If I resort to something like that then I’ve resorted to  what’s called “hope”. And if I resort to hope then what will that mean for me? It means that I would have already accepted what might happen. I am in denial, but I would rather be in denial then realize and accept it. I refuse to turn to hope! Sometimes though, I start to think about it. About what might happen….what might happen later. I can’t handle it. Tears stream down my face every morning. I can’t help it. Blood trickles down my knuckles every night. I can’t control it. I hate myself for it. The way I’m acting….what does it mean. I don’t want to accept it….but….if I’m doing all these things…. Crying until my eyes are bone-dry. Punching mirrors until my knuckles are sliced and bruised. If I’m doing all these in the morning and at night….what does it mean? I don’t want to accept it. What do I do? What do I do if there’s nothing to do?! I panic and freak out when I shouldn’t. What do I do? What do I do if there’s nothing to do?! Resort to hope?!

Dedicated to those unfortunate people, who have lost their friends or family to the calamity of cancer (or any other life threatening illness).

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