Love is probably one of the strongest emotion in the world, maybe even tied with anger. Most of everyones purpose in this world is to grow up, get a job, and start a family. Before that, you must find your significant other, or more, find yourself. I’ve been in a relationship for quite some time now and it hasn’t been exactly perfect. It has been abusive and negative. The only way to fix this is not to get out of it, but fix it. Definitely a work in progress.
My relationship has been with myself. I believe that before anyone can get into a relationship, you must learn to love yourself first. I'm not an expert in relationships, but one thing I know for sure, if I'm not fine with who I am, my mind will kick in and tell me that they don't love me and throw anything negative I think of myself for back up. At our age, we shouldn’t be focusing on mates and love. We're still young and there are many new things to learn. People change over time and you change also. I was at the dinner table the other night and dating came up to the conversation. I told my parents that dating means either one of two things. One, you're dating to break up. Two, you're dating to end up together. My parents look at me in a funny get confused away. My mom then told me, "No, you date for wanting to know the other person and have fun and experiment.” Guess I realized I haven't dated anyone because I don't even know myself. The day continued on and the topic never rose again.
Lately, I’ve started thinking why I don't just go out there. As I began planning circumstances, it hit me. If I can't love myself, how will I convince my head to get a person loves me? The thought of someone I like very much to know what I don't like about myself scares me, and would probably scare them away, too. Like I said, I have been in an abusive relationship with myself. I beat myself down about the way I look. Backing that up as my family can never go a day without remind me to stop eating or just staying you look like a whale. These things are drilled in the back of my head and not until I change will I allow me to find somebody. I have to find myself first.
For some time now, I have this plan of growing up alone. I don't want a man by my side since I know I can't change myself, so that way I can be worry free. I am perfectly fine with this idea because it makes me feel comfortable. Alone is what I am best at. That way, I don't have to worry about how I look or how bad I sing when I'm in the shower. The day I am not alone will be the day where I accept myself. I will know what I deserve and if the other person is negative for me. This time won't be anytime soon, but it's just a dream.
The farthest I've gone with a guy would be talking/texting, until I get the bright idea of chickening out. My conscience will get the best of me and tell me that they're faking interest in you or just want to see how easy you are. I tend to cut people out of my life just like that. Don't get me wrong, I love my personality but not my self image. So when a guy tries to hit me up saying cute or whatever, that's my first sign to drop them. It's also pretty hard to accept complements. My personality is A1 , but guys tend to lie when they say all they care about is a girl with a great personality and a big heart. What guys really want is a girl with a great body and a big other stuff. So I just like to lay low and try to avoid any feelings.
Of course there will be a time when you fall deeply for someone, to the point where you are okay with yourself because he make you feel that way. With my luck things won't work out and it always comes back to beating myself up for not being perfect or not being enough like the other girls he chose. Now I realize how foolish I was for wanting to be something I'm not for someone who could care less. Life isn't about finding someone else to love but yourself. Self-love is the most important thing, because you are only you.
I'm still not on that point yet about accepting me. Although I know I should, I still feel like it'll take some time. There are things throughout the day that just remind me I should change. Social media, for example, is something everyone gets on. When I scroll down there Instagram, it's all about having the perfect body or being photogenic. It can really bring you down on one of those bad days. Then this will lead me to thinking of going on a diet, but that never works out because food is life. I'm also too lazy to have a workout plan so that’s off the list. After, I'll just give up and continue through life. We shouldn't care about what society says is perfect because we are perfect in our own ways. Just love ourselves for being us.
One of the last things I can beat myself up for is clothing. Shopping for clothes that Will fit me to the point where I like how I look would probably happen once every blue moon. I find a lot of things to fit me in flattering, so I just stick with hoodies, leggings, and sweats. I'm too scared to wear things that hug her show my body because I hate the way I look or feel like someone will see me in a new light. As I write this, I realize I shouldn't care what people think of me as long as I'm comfortable. Loving yourself can take some time, but it can vary, and take little steps. Maybe dressing myself up can be my first step to loving myself, who knows.
Over all, you don't have to be narcissistic to love who you are. What's important is that you love yourself for who you are, because you are the only one you should worry about and take care of. Love yourself.