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Anxiety Disorder: School Edition
The thing about ‘accidentally’ not doing your Geometry homework is that chances are it wasn’t very accidental. You probably told yourself you were going to but then instead of actually picking up the pencil like a smart person, you chose to be a dumbass and contemplate your life choices. Then in the morning before school you freak out because you definitely did not do your homework and now feel bad but still don’t regret not doing it. There’s a fine line between those emotions.
Then on your way to school your mom will ask you if you’re okay because you ‘seem a little quieter than normal’ this will make you stare out the window and want to be literally anything else because saying ‘yes’ would make her happy but it’d also be a lie. She pulls into the parking lot and says “have a good day!” on your way out of the car.
You hear it drive away about five seconds after you get out and wonder what she’s waiting for. What is she waiting for? Do you have something on your pants? Do you look stupid in the exact same sweatshirt you’ve been wearing all week? Does she know something you don’t? Are you going to die today? Will there be a shooting? Is she wishing for you to turn around and run back? The possibilities are endless.
By this point you will have made it to the door and exchanged an awkward moment of either holding it for someone or letting yourself in. If you go in first, you’re a selfish jackass but if you hold that door and wait for them to catch up closer than you’re going out of your way. You choose to let yourself in and immediately regret that choice. Now they hate you. Whoever they were. Weather or not you’ve ever seen them before, they are out for vengeance.
The hallway is pretty empty this early in the day, so there are occasional people chilling outside classrooms and as you pass by you avoid any eye contact. This could mean a small encounter in which everything is over analyzed and overthought. You reach the staircase and strategically place your left foot on the first step, right on the second, and left on the third. This proceeds upward until the final three steps in which the same pattern MUST be repeated. If not, you’re haunted by this thought until you can do something to relieve the urge. If nobody is walking behind you, you may switch your feet correcting yourself, but if someone is approaching just keep going.
You’ve made it to class! Yay, now comes a probably awkward interaction with your teacher because you got to school early and are alone (due towards your inability to cope with lateness.) They may say “Good morning” or “Hello” you are to respond in a mild tone, nothing to chipper and nothing to dull. Chipper means they may talk more, and dull means you hate them. Do not let your teachers know how much you hate them.
When class starts, you may calm down a little. Take notes, get the work done, but do not answer any question unless you’re 100% sure you have it right. It is also important to note that you should not make eye contact with anyone, even friends can be shaky. If you do dare say something to someone you don’t know super well, be polite, but if they don’t respond, you’ve f***ed it up pretty good. For the most part, keep to yourself, yet try not to look dead inside.
In between classes are awful. If you wave to a friend (that’s risky) hopefully they will see you and wave back, if not, it looks like you’re either waving at a random person or no one at all. It doesn’t matter, they both make you look like an idiot. Always pay attention when going up stairs, get the foot pattern right. Never be late, always go the quickest route, unless it’s one you normally go by. If you’ve been traveling a distinct way for more than a few days, that is YOUR WAY. You may NOT change it. Change=bad=end of the world. Besides, if you change your schedule, you mother may get hit by a car. You may die. Your friend may die. There could be a shooting. The US will get bombed. All of this due to your ineffective use of difference in your pathetic life.
Lunch can be a tippy scale. When walking to the commons constantly check to make sure you have the correct lunch times down. If there is nobody already waiting at the usual spot, aimlessly walk around and stare at your phone like you have nothing better to do. Say hi to other people you may know. If you decide to turn around in a hallway, make it quiet and barley noticeable, you don’t want attention drawn to yourself. When you finally sit down with your group, pretend this entire day HASN’T been a s***show and laugh around a bit. This may actually help you feel better and calmer.
Don’t get to comfortable, because now it’s time for class again. Leave lunch at a reasonable time, making sure you won’t arrive late or too early. Do not stand outside of the classroom waiting for your teacher like everyone else (you’re a weirdo, therefore exempt from this) walk around, get a drink, put earbuds in like you’re listening to music. When the teacher does come, stand back and don’t maneuver around anyone else to get in, this makes you look dumb as f***. Quickly take your seat and occupy yourself with something. Don’t stare out the window, read a book or turn your phone on and off a hundred times to make you look busy.
When the end of the day rolls around, don’t pack up to early, this will signal others and teachers hate that. Instead wait until about 3 minutes before the bell will ring. This leaves about one minute for putting binders away, one fore getting them into your giant backpack, and one for casually waiting by the door (with a group.) When the bell rings, allow others to go first, and don’t get stuck even for a moment in the doorway by anyone. Push through and get out. When you get outside remember the specific path you take to the parking lot. You don’t go up the ramp, you head up the steps, left, right and left again.
When you see your ride in their usual spot, walk quickly and don’t say hi to friends because you’ll have to leave that group and saying ‘goodbye’ when no one is listening is lonely and sad looking. Get to the car and hop in, do not make eye contact with anyone walking nearby. Instead, stare straight ahead or at your phone. Phone is better.
When you finally get home, relax. You’ve made it another day. Forget your homework and other priorities for a second and breathe. Pet your cat. Cry. Read or watch T.V. Try to remember you aren’t going to die tomorrow or today. You’re okay. You’re alive right now, and that’s all that really matters.Anxiety Disorder: School Addition