This past year has been the worst of my life. No, I’m not dying. Well, maybe on the inside. But for now let’s just start from the beginning.
I’ve never been totally happy with my appearance.Yes there was a point where I just accepted what I looked like and moved on. However, that’s not the case anymore. I’ve always felt like I can’t relate to other girls in movies or shows because I wasn’t skinny or pretty enough. I would be happy that they found love but be disappointed that it was in no way possible for me, because I didn’t look like them. Believe me when I say I’ve heard it all.”No! You’re not fat!” Or “Oh you’re soooo pretty!” Do I believe them? Heck no. I mean I’m not overweight or anything, but I’m not really skinny so my brain decides I’m fat. It sucks thinking you’re fat to this extreme. You feel guilty after indulging even the teeniest bit. You always feel forced to workout. And you compare yourself to anyone, and I mean ANYONE you see. The experience overall just isn’t fun.
This past year however, these feelings blew up. I was hanging out with this toxic group of girls who are all pretty much underweight. Then there’s me, the uncool one who cries them self to sleep for not looking a certain way. Yes, I do realize that I should have cut them out looong ago, but it was harder than you might think. I really did try to separate myself, but I felt that when I was with them, I had purpose. Even now though I feel like I don’t really have a purpose. I feel more invisible than ever. Cutting them out made me realize my true friend. But what’s the good in that when you can’t see the good in yourself.
The end of the year got even worse than I could have possibly phathomed. A couple of my friends had either developed or were recovering from eating disorders. All I wanted to do was help them but it is so incredibly hard to bring others up when you feel so low. It feels like everything is just out of reach. To make matters worse, I was developing some new disorders as well, including depression. Everything seems out of control and hectic. This caused me to have some self harm episodes which resulted in me being introduced to a new therapist and psychiatrist.
I really am thankful for having my parents with me though all of this, but there is only so much they can do. They don't make me feel happy, no matter how hard they try. They can’t make me love myself when I loathe myself. And they can’t make this that much easier.
I really wish I could tell you that I was learning how to enjoy things again. I was learning to love my body and the way I look. However, all of that seems fictitious right now. But I do promise you that I will try my hardest. I will try and try to make myself see things the way they are. I will try and build up happiness and hope in my life. I will honestly try and bring back the old me. All things considered, 2017 and the start of 2018 may be beyond miserable, but I will make this my best year yet.