Ya Sure, My Day Was Good

January 29, 2018

My mom asked me how I was today when she picked me up from school and I didn't know what to tell her. Do I tell her my whole world is crumbling down or do I tell her my day was good? I decided to go with, it was good. It's hard to open up to my mom or anyone in general because I don't want people to think I'm week. I want to appear like i've got everything together, like I always know what i'm doing. Truth be told I never know. I sometimes feel like i'm drifting and im just waiting for something exciting to happen, something that will happen that will change the course of my life, but for that to happen i'd have to be good at something. I'm mediocre at everything in life. I'm never the best and im never the worst, Im average. I used to be okay with the fact that i'm just ‘’alright’’ but when I got to high school and realized i'm the only ‘’alright’’ one there I began to feel insignificant. Everyone is so good at something whether it's sports, the arts  or academics. See I like sports but i'm very uncoordinated so in order for me to be apart of a team I have to join a no cut sport like swim which I did last year and was, okay at. Then there theater I can act, and if you ask me I can act really well but the fact that I can't sing and one third of the productions at our  school puts on musicals that basically throws the idea of wanting to be in a play out the window. Then there's my acidems. I manage to usually get all A's but that's not because i'm smart but its because im driven. I figure if i'm just a particle drifting I might as well succeed at it. That is unless i'm in a classroom where everyone else is superior to me then i don't feel so successful. People who are smart i've realized like to boast about it like its there only good quality. I can't boast about however even though I got 4.0 last semester because I know it wouldn't be right for me to. I sometimes try to wonder what my good qualities are and the only things I can sum up is my humor and my optimism. You're probably asking yourself how am I optimistic if i'm writing something so negative, but the truth is i'm only writing this because my optimism let me down today and made me ponder my whole existence. You see this guy I really liked broke up with me because he said ‘’I wasn't ready for a relationship’’, but if you ask me I think what he was really trying to say was that I wasn't ready to put out for him. It's not even the fact that I was super in love with him it's the fact that he just played me. He told me he would never leave, he told me I wasn't like other girls and that I was different. It's hard for me to fall for someone, simply because I have high expectations that people are so great but they always let me down he is great example of this he's also a great example why I stay away from dating . There has been only one incident my entire life when dealing with matters of the heart that I wasn't completing let down however . When I like someone its because I like who they are inside their hearts not because of their appearance so when this pimply faced scrawning short kid who always wore a grey sweater started to take an interest in me, I took an interest in him back because he was a genuine person. He was so kind and would do anything in the world for me, I was truly in love with him, but when people started calling him names and then calling me names for being with him  I saw it as a means to end things. I cared so much about what other people thought that I broke someone's heart that i really cared about. I texted him that it was over. I couldn't stop crying after a sent it and regretted it for the rest of my life. I think that's maybe why I got left today, it was karma. It was me getting hurt just like how I hurt him, either way my optimize in men is gone. I won't trust another boy that gives me those lines that he'll never leave me, maybe then when I get home from school I won't have to lie to mom and say that my day was great. 

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