Trying to Prove Herself

January 19, 2018
By blaineaberra BRONZE, Phoenix, Arizona
blaineaberra BRONZE, Phoenix, Arizona
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

The hardest part was picking herself back up and trying again - and blatantly knowing that there were only more bumps on the road ahead. She is well informed that everyone’s road is different, just irritated that hers wasn’t beautifully paved out and smooth like the others. She tries to achieve a standard that is constantly raised and longs to fill the shoes of her peers but continuously falls short. It was like every failure took a well-wielding strike at her stomach and finally she was out of breath. She grew up in a world that didn’t offer anything on a silver platter and knew it wasn’t going to be easy proving herself.

It would’ve been easier to quit - she knew. The ground was moist and the grass healthy. She felt the earth beneath her as she stared up into the perfectly blue sky, the chill air brushed across her face and she wished she could float away forever. Instead, reality knocked on her door. Her lungs began to light up like a fire in her chest. She gasped in big globs of air to cease the wildfire burning inside of her. She saw her breath dissipating into the cool, crisp air wanting to reach out and snatch it because she needed all that she could get. She has been working too hard for this, coming so far and sacrificing too much. All eyes were on her, eyes of people who held her very future in their hands. And these people were ruthless, there’s no need to be considerate because it’s simply their job. The pressure was on and she could feel her stomach doing backflips. “Mind over matter,” was what she repeated in her head as she pushed herself up.

A wave of fatigue crashed over her, she recognized how tired she was, both mentally and physically. Tired of climbing so high just to fall and hit the bottom again. Tired of fighting just to get knocked down. Tired of all the pressure that was forced upon her. But truly tired of trying to prove herself. But to whom? A simple question she is unable to answer. She spent her whole life in efforts to impress and please others. The days dragged on knowing that there was nothing in the world to look forward to. Friends began to surpass her as she fell backwards. Time began to stand still and so did she, with no motivation to move forward.

This was her lowest point, her rock bottom. From here on, her life felt pointless. Like a fungus, her anxiety festered until it became suffocating and she couldn’t breathe. The countless troubles and pressures built up by her peers lay heavy like a weight on her back and she couldn’t bare them anymore. She is panicking with no safe haven to retreat to. There is only so much she can handle until she breaks.

That’s when she discovered her ultimate dilemma, she became aware that all her tension was a result of tending to others’ needs besides her own. She grew weary trying to please them and desired to do something for herself. As time passed she became more comfortable in her own skin. She put her needs before others. And as she did, her confidence grew.

She is taught that there is always someone who will work hard where she takes shortcuts. This was what kept her going, kept her from staying down when she fell and told her to push more when the world was shouting stop. It was at this point when she knew who she wanted to prove herself to. It took her too long to realize that her future is what she wants to make of it. And from here on, the effort put into any strenuous task will depend on how it affects only her in the end.

She has a different outlook on life. Now she sees more positives than negatives. She is more ambitious and can be described as outgoing. More willing to take chances and excited to learn from them. She discovered that once a person hits rock bottom, there’s only one way to go: up. She notices the sun shining a little brighter, the air smelling a little sweeter and herself smiling a lot wider. People will to laugh at her goals, but it doesn’t faze her because she knows that dreams aren’t big enough if they’re not getting made fun of. She knows where she wants to be and how to achieve it. She makes the best of what she has, not minding her past.

She has finally changed for the better. She has accepted where she’s been and looks back at it as a lesson, aware that no one succeeds dwelling on the past. No longer is she trying to make her parents proud, friends content or prove anyone wrong who doubted her. What she does is for herself, and with this mindset she is fulfilled. She looks at challenges as opportunities rather than risks. She has made something of herself by doing it for herself.

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