Small Journeys from a Small Girl

January 1, 2018
By Charliexoxo BRONZE, Santa Clarita, California
Charliexoxo BRONZE, Santa Clarita, California
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

On August 9, 2003 I was born. I really was just a pretty average baby. You know the whole no talking and only crying thing. I was the second child born in my family at the time. My older brother Joey was thirteen when I was born. Let's fast forward a couple  years later, this is when things got crazy. My little brother, Charlie, was born on October 4, 2005. To tell the truth I think his story about him being born is more eventful and interesting . Right from the start he has just been this super cool, out of this world kid. Charlie is this huge ball of wildness; no one can control him at times.

Fast forward a couple more years, now I am four years old and I just started preschool. I was having the time of my life, meeting new people getting to learn more and more each day. You know just living the life of a four year old, getting ready for kindergarten. On the first day of school was filled with anxiety, to the point where I was going to cry. I felt that it would be worse if I cried, so I wasn't about to in front of my classmates. I didn't know anyone there. I see that throughout all of my life (so far) I have always been scared of new situations for the meer fear of anxiety. I am always trying being this happy go getting person. I seem to be happy or goofy all the time, but I think that is because I didn't want to face my fears. 

I have various friends, but I really don't have a so called “group”. Since I have started school I have never really fitted in with one group of people. I will see that I can sometimes be in the “popular groups” or I can be that girl with only one friend. I have always tried to keep one “group”, but they never lasted. I have one friend that has always greeted me with open arms (I met her on the first day of school in seventh grade) She has been the one person have told everything to.

I have a some trouble bringing up a certain subject to people and friends, because of past experiences. I had this “friend” in the fourth grade who at the time I believed was an amazing person. I told her all of my crazy fourth grade stories and secrets. I have no idea what happened between us, but over the years she became my worst enemy. I am the kind of person who will not speak up for myself,  I know that isn't a good quality.

I do this because I have this fear that if I say something I end up making things worse than it already is. I tried telling her to stop and to leave me alone, but that is when she started to call me names and tell all of my other friends lies about me. This is when I should have said something to an adult, but I didn't because I felt that they would have made it even worse. The rest of my elementary school years were the worst. I never said anything and I just pretended that she did not exist. I was completely done with her and all of her pointless games she had put me through.

By the ending of fifth grade I told her how much I wanted her to leave me alone. She ended up telling me that she always hated me and never really wanted to be my friend. In sixth grade she left the school, but her rumors did not. I don't understand how one girl had made me so upset, yet I was to afraid to say anything. I ended up putting away my feelings and bottling them up, pushing them away, hoping to never see them again. I guess i was hoping maybe one day these feelings would go away. That sounds extremely depressing, but that is how I felt. Everytime I try to open up to someone they end up stabbing me in the back, this is why I have issues with new people coming into my life.

I have been his little girl that is secretly afraid of everything.Sometimes people see me as someone who tries to be someone they are not, but they only think that because they don't know how I feel inside. If I am alone then I only have my thoughts, my fears,and my loneliness. I am really not that open with people. I could have known someone my for all of my life, but I they would only one fourth of how I feel. I only know maybe two people that I can tell them anything. The first person is the girl I met on the first day of school. The other person I met last year as well, but this year we have become much closer. He is someone that knows alot about me, but not everything. I feel I don't show people all of me until I know that they won't hurt me. I am not saying that I don't trust him (I do) I just have the fear that what happens if things don't work out. That is where all of my fears and anxiety come into play.

I have been to 3 other schools before my most current school, I didn't go to all of those schools because I was a “bad kid”. I went to those schools to find the best learning environment for me. I have this thing call ADHD, is attention difficulty, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness. Having ADHD means that I have trouble focusing in class, at home, and ect. This can be hard for me sometimes. I used to have a lot of trouble in school, when I had hard times I would cry my eyes out. I see now that crying can not and will not help me in any way. My dad used to tell me to be loud and proud, I never really understood what he meant. Now I see that he was telling me to use my voice and if I want something,  I need to be the one to say something.

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