Why did she do it? Why did she leave us here to to stare at her grave with empty feelings in our hearts and screaming thoughts in our heads? That’s all I see when I look up. Mortality. Fear. Sadness. The hidden feelings people hide inside themselves in order to keep from “bothering” others. That’s the thing, though. She told us. We tried to help her. It didn’t work. Why do others expect us to be able to prevent these things without telling us how? They tell us the “red flags” but not how to help even if they’re waving it in our faces while screaming “mayday!” I always heard about it happening. That it’s the leading cause of death in teenagers. You always think “That’s so sad, I’m sorry they felt that was their only option.” It’s different when it’s a friend. You feel as if the world disappeared. Everything goes quiet, the weight of a friend crying on your shoulder seems to lift, you feel suspended in time and space, but somehow heavy at the same time. The clock stops ticking. You try to deny it. Think it’s some sick joke. You stare at your lunch, unable to eat, thinking about why they thought they didn’t matter. Why they thought they had to leave. After a few days it goes away. You notice you think about them less and less. Don’t notice the water getting sucked out to sea. Then all of a sudden the tsunami hits. All the feelings, heaviness, screams inside your head saying that it’ll happen to everyone you care about if you don’t stop it. But you don’t know how. So you sit there, watching everyone, thinking “What would happen if you did it too? Would I feel the same way? Why am I thinking like this?” It feels like you have no escape. That your body moves without you. Eventually it gets to the point where no matter how much you sleep you’re constantly exhausted. You feel as if you’re letting everybody down. It didn’t have to be like this. She only had two more years. Then she could have gone anywhere, done anything. Why didn’t she see that? Or did she but she didn’t care? I’m sorry I let her down. I should have done more. They tell you that there was nothing you could have done. That you have to get over it. So you smile. Go out with friends. Though you do have fun, the voices are always in the back of your mind, saying “They’re all going to die and it’s going to be your fault.” You know it’s not true, but you don’t know how to stop it. So you sit there and ask yourself “Why did they do it?”
Why Did She Do It?
November 23, 2017