I wish that I was older and wiser instead of a young naive girl. My heart was still searching to find a beat of its own. A broken heart hurts worse than a broken bone. I have never felt so lost inside before. I made a big mistake that has changed my life. I went from living in a dream to living in the shadows of reality. The choices that you make will affect your future. I learned that the hard way.
Picture a fifteen year old girl who is shy and insecure. That was me. I couldn’t keep my eyes off a hot country boy. He wore blue jeans with oil stains on them, a chevy symbol belt buckle, and a camo baseball cap with a fish hook clip on it. He also had a pair of square-toed boots on. I vaguely knew him. He dated one of my friends before but, while he was dating her, he started to like me and broke up with her for me. My dream was about to come true. I went to the Jasper County fair in Rensselaer, Indiana. He strutted up to me in his square-toed cowboy boots and handed me a note. He said in a deep voice, “Read it, beautiful.”
I couldn't help but blush. I carefully unfolded the note which said, Every cowboy needs an angel ,will you be mine? My heart was throbbing out of my chest. I could not fathom that a perfect guy like him would want to date a nobody like me. He graciously gave me a cross charmed necklace too. I will never forget that moment.
We both waited until I turned sixteen to date. He came over to my house to meet my parents and we were finally officially dating on March, 26, 2016. My parents really liked him. My sisters opened up to him right away and liked him too. Surprisingly, his parents liked me too. His mom bought me gifts all of the time. Riding in his truck with the windows down and the country music cranked up loud was my favorite part. Everything was going perfectly. I could not get enough of him. We had a song that very well described our relationship. It was called, “Cowboys and Angels” by Dustin Lynch. The song goes a little like this, “I’ve got boots and she’s got wings. I am hell on wheels and she is heavenly. I’d die for her and she lives for me. Cowboys and angels.” The song lyrics described us spot on. He was my crazy cowboy and I was his beautiful angel. He would always tell me, “Baby girl, I love you because you saved me.”
After eight months of dating, things started to get a bit more complicated. My boyfriend started to run out of money. I also started to hear a bunch of drama about him hanging out with other girls. It was hard to be honest with him without sounding rude. I was still a bit insecure inside and it was difficult to let him know all about me and how I truly felt. He opened up to me all the time and I loved it. I was privileged to know him more than just as a hot country boy. He was actually a very sensitive, caring guy deep inside. But, I was scared about him judging me for who I was. My boyfriend knew that I was a farmer and that I love chevy trucks and the country and he only loved those things about me. He never really knew who I was in the inside. I am a very strong christian, which he knew, but he never cared to ask much about my faith. I was making him become a better person by going to church but, I could tell that he was not truly changing.
It was February twenty-third, 2017. I woke up happily and cheerfully, however, little did I know that I would not be able to go back to bed that night. When I arrived at school that day, a bunch of thoughts kept circling through my head. I quickly grabbed my phone and texted my boyfriend. I sent him a bunch of crying faces and I said that I needed to talk to him.
He quickly texted back and said, “Okay baby girl, I need you too.”
I then scrambled by texting him back that I was thinking about breaking up with him. Deep inside of me, I felt like I was never going to be good enough for him. I wanted to end the relationship because he would always hang out with other girls and that made me feel worthless. I started to burst out in tears in the middle of class. I wish I would never of texted him that. He was my everything.
I just got back from work late at night. The sky was pitch dark. He was there at my house waiting for me slouching up against his truck. I tried to keep myself together and slowly stepped down off of the steps on the semi because I was coming back from helping my uncle haul grain. My heart was all over the place. My brain was telling me to end it with him but, my heart was telling me no. It felt like a tug of war was going on inside of me. He came over to talk to me even though he was sick. I skittishly approached him while he was using his hand to wipe his tears away. We awkwardly walked back to the barn to talk.
He was full of tears and clung onto my legs weeping, “Katlyn, Katlyn please don’t leave me. I love you.”
I tried to be strong and hold all of my tears in. I said, “You deserve someone better than me.”
We both awkwardly walked back up to the house and he was still sniffling while whispering a short prayer not to lose me. He asked for one more hug and I gave him one. We clung on each other tight and we did not want to let go. He unwrapped his arms around me and whispered , “Good-bye”.
I was use to him saying things like, “Bye sweet heart.” or, “Text me later love.” I felt a fire burning inside of me as I walked away. I slammed the door shut and tried to keep my head held high. But then, the fire inside of me went out and tears started to flow down my face.
Several months after the break-up, I was still heartbroken. He quickly moved on to a new beautiful girl two weeks after we broke up. I felt replaced. I felt like I was not good enough. I felt lost. I still had nightmares and flashbacks of him, but I have learned how to overcome depression and I found many people that helped me through it. My ex-boyfriend never cared about how I felt. He was just always happy that I was his girlfriend. He always has to have that feeling of having a girl be by his side. I feel bad for all of the girls that he dated because he does not know what love is. His life has gone down the drain. I wish I could help him but, he shut the door to let me in. I have learned that it is vital to move on. I prayed to God to make me physically stronger, but instead he made me mentally stronger. I have become a new stronger person. I have adjusted to the idea that time will heal things. The heartache will go away.