November 18, 2017
By , Los Angeles, CA

His words suddenly make me feel like I'm being choked, like I have had rocks poured down my throat and now I have to swallow.

Of course I know we aren't going to last. Of course I know that everything is temporary but I just wish it wasn't. Everything has been too real lately and he was the cloud of hope where I could just lie next to him and pretend everything was okay as if it's not true that everything is going to change before we can even catch our breath.
I was just thinking about how he makes me feel beautiful. Other guys have told me that I'm hot or pretty but those are words that just slide right off. Beautiful makes your heart glow.

He makes me feel beautiful when I am sitting at home in rumpled pajamas with my unwashed hair tied into a bun, in the midst of another dose of depression. It's one of the hardest things, to feel beautiful even when you feel like nothing.

But we messed up today, we forgot for a bit that he is a realist and I always have my head buried in the clouds, and he is saying that we'll keep in touch but I have seen his record for keeping in touch with people who leave. I'm terrified because all of the time I feel like I have more to tell him but there's going to be a point where I'll want to tell him something and then I'll realize that he's not around anymore to make his jokes and pull me into his embrace, sweeping me off my feet. 

The clouds always clear to reveal the truth.

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