What's Wrong?

November 8, 2017

I’m tired. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of all the thoughts keeping me awake at night. As I stare at the ceiling in the pitch blackness I fight my mind to not go there. To not remind me of why I’m not happy. To not replay all of our memories in my mind like an endless movie of torture. My face feels hot. I remember when we cuddled on the couch and when you would pull me closer in your sleep. I remember every kiss, every hug, every moment we shared together. I never wanted that to end. But now I’m scared. I’m scared to trust you again. You promised you’d never leave and I believed you. Now you’re trying to promise again but how can I let myself believe it. I want to. I want to be with you. I want to tell you what’s wrong, I want to tell you when I’m scared or feeling insecure. I can’t pick out one thing that is wrong, all of the things are racing through my head I don’t even know what’s wrong. All I know is it hurts. It hurts that I can’t talk to you like I used to. If I say I feel ugly then I’m just being manipulative and trying to make you feel bad for me. When you tell me about how this girl was trying to grab your arm I get jealous. Maybe I don’t have a reason to be...but maybe you want her instead of me. What if you fall for her and she takes you away? I can’t tell you how I’m feeling because then you can just take it and run. But I want to be close to you again. I want you to call me princess and tell me how you want to be with me forever. But you’ve said it before and you had no problem leaving. You gave up. I laid in my bed crying just thinking about how you were probably kissing her and beating myself up inside for not being good enough. Why? I thought you would never leave. I thought you would never let me go to bed with tears in my eyes. I didn’t think I would ever have to lie to you about being fine. “My head just hurts.” or “I’m just tired.” These are the things i have to say to you because you hurt me. I handed you my heart to keep safe and you dropped it. But I know you love me. I see the sparkle in your eyes when you look at me. I can feel it, but I’m so scared. I love you. Please help me.


“Nothing, I’m fine.”






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