Scared, looking around at random people walking around in the mall. I begin to loose my hearing, all I hear is a ringing sound in my ears. I can see my mom looking at me telling me to breathe. Little did she know this was the beginning of a huge storm.
Unfortunately I struggle with the chemical imbalance, which means in a way it is out of my control, sometimes I am not afraid of anything at all, and I can still feel the symptoms of a anxiety/panic attack. Having someone by my side during it all was what formed me to be the strongest, and bravest young women I am today. That person to me is my mom.
Most mother and daughters bond over nails, and coffee, and shopping, even though me and my mom do that as well, we bond more over focusing on a happy and successful life style, piece by piece, even if it isn’t easy. My mom is hands down one of the most important people in my life, as well as the most influential.
My mother and I have been a team since day 1. Not only was I a mama's girl, but during my earlier years of school, I had separation anxiety because the thought of leaving her every morning was unbearable. I kicked, screamed, and cried almost every morning. It began to come to a point where my actions were not normal for my age. It was soon 3 years after that, it got even worse, and a new specific problem was addressed, Anxiety.
Anxiety is a scary thing, you get a feeling of uneaseaness at the most random times. Some people have anxiety with certain things they are scared of, and others just have a lack of chemicals in their brain causing that feeling of uneasiness or fear, this is my issue. Unfortunately this has been going on since my early years. I would loose my hearing, and feel as if I was out of my body looking down on myself at the most random times.
My mom had generalized anxiety, but never truly understood why I was feeling this way, or why I was always so upset. I noticed her constantly getting upset, when I cried and screamed it killed her inside. And eventually, it became abnormal as the years went on. I was a sophmore in highschool, when I realized I had a chemical imbalance in my brain causing anxiety, depression, and panic disorder. This was super hard for me, but one of the few people standing up for me and making everything seem ok and fixable was my mom. Between the long hours in the doctor's office there was one moment I would never forget, that moment was when they were taking little scoops of some sort of jelly, and connecting wires to my scalp. While this was happening I looked at my mom with fear
“Am I crazy?” I stated
“No don't talk like that you're perfectly fine” she replied,
“Is it gonna hurt?” I ask,
“No sweetie you won’t feel a thing!” The doctor replied.
After the test was over, it wasn't the end of my long visits. Yet while I still had hard talks at the psychiatrist office, my mom was the one next to me through it all, skipping out on my sister's soccer games, having other people drive my sisters to the places they need to go, her focus was directly on me.
A week after the diagnosis, of panic disorder, depression, and anxiety, my mom set up the next steps for my recovery, I began to start therapy and take different tests, to see what would help me go to school easily, and most importantly help me get on to the best next steps to making me feel better, healthy, and somewhat normal. The only thing that I always questioned was, why me?. I finally got the answer I wanted to hear on a cold night, while crying into my pillow,
“Why me mom, I was never mean, and always did what you told me” I cried out
“Sometimes we can't control things sweetie, people can't control when they get sick, or control when something traumatic, but they can control what they want to do about it”. She stated
It was this at that moment that I knew for myself I was going to push through the hard, and focus on getting better.
I never was afraid of anything, nor ever had something so traumatic happen to me, that would cause me to feel uneasiness of any type of fear. Without the help from specialists I would still be asking myself the same question.
Weeks of therapy, and learning coping skills, I still struggled with the same problems. Doctors and I came to the agreement that we should try a low dose, of a antidepressant. Although my father and mother were anti medication, they came to a sense that this may be the best idea, as well as temporary. My parents biggest fear was addiction, the feeling that once I begin this medication I will immediately be attached to it. On the other hand that scary thought was in the back of my head, but at the time I just needed the little extra help to actually start living. Finally, my mom and dad said yes, and I began a low dose of Lexapro, an anxiety disorder medication. It was just the little miracle, and confidence booster I needed just until I learned how to handle my anxiety with coping skills.
Finally, I am beginning to be the person I used to be, fun, energetic, funny, all the traits I lost when the dark cloud of anxiety came over my head. The most important thing is that through the tears, the anger, and the fights, my mom was always there, coddling me, tough love, and being my main motivation. The only thing I needed and still need is my mom to be happy. I began to think about others and realized how much my mom did for me. She was all I thought about on my road to recovery, as well as the reason I am on the road to recovery. The relationship between my mom and I is absolutely unbreakable, and will forever grow to be stronger than it always is. She is the bravest women I know, and her strength amazes me everyday.
Having someone who has your back 24/7 is absolutely amazing, as well as important. So I write this letter to thank my mom, for unconditional love and support, and fighting for me even when I wasn’t fighting for myself.