Affection-less

October 30, 2017
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We walk past each other in the hallway with barely a glance in each other's direction but so many images spring to mind in the moments that ensue. I can't even imagine the images he thinks of when we glimpse each other. We never acknowledge each other but so much is acknowledged in our late night talks and actions. My friends don't approve of him so we pretend like nothing goes on between us even though so much happens. And that's the way I intend it to stay. He keeps it secret as do I and thankfully we have no classes together so there's no awkwardness.

Last night, things got pretty intense. We were really pushing the envelope.  Which is weird, seeing as I was fueling it so wouldn't I be interested? But no, I'm quite repulsed and I think I know why.

Seeing as my mom pretty much never praises me, compliments me, encourages me, gives me positive attention or  expresses affection towards me, I think I try to seek it out from other people. However, since I rarely get the praise and compliments from my mom who should give it to you the most, when I do receive an influx of these positive expressions I end up not knowing how to respond since I typically don't express it myself. At home, we don't hug, kiss, praise, compliment, or really even encourage so it's difficult for me to express it back since I never have to at home. I truly don't know how to, which probably contributes to my passiveness and lack of resistance when people try to take advantage of me not just physically but verbally, interrogatively and how people ask for favors from me and I never say no because I'd feel bad if I do. Which also probably stems from my upbringing where if a parent or sibling asks you to do something you have do it even if you'd prefer not to because that's just proper respect and all. Yikes, I never realized how much of a doormat I am and how horrible I am at returning affection physically or verbally from someone who truly means it.

For example, I've had a few guys bare their soul about me and how much they like me but I slowly but surely ghost them because I don't know how to react. It's, like, guaranteed I will ghost any guy that does that, through no fault of their own, but because of my own internal conflict. I don't know how to handle it so I just decide not to handle it. Also, I always just push problems out of my mind and refuse to think about it even if they're desirable problems such as guys liking me deeply. And, for some reason, I'm always worried they're just saying this stuff because they want in my pants or something which sounds sort of conceited as if I'm implying my body's steaming hot and that guys are obsessed with it which they're not, but simply because it's happened before.

I also have, like, no compassion for myself All my thoughts are super self-deprecating and negative especially about my appearance and such and I constantly compare myself to others. I get anxiety just going shopping because I see all the skinny girls and their Instagram style and their designer wardrobe and thigh gaps and skinny toothpick jeans and I'm just plagued with endless comparative, negative thoughts that make me feel like a maggot filled turd sitting on a slimy barnacle. I feels so inferior to everyone and sometimes I just want to run away from everything and hide in a cave.

I'm done.






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