This I Believe

October 26, 2017
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I came to a point in my life where I dug myself into a hole so deep there was nothing that could get me out but myself. I kept all my thoughts inside my head because I was afraid of what might happen if I shared them. I shut myself out from the world and lived in silence like the rest of my family.

When I was 13 years old, my mother told me my father had filed for divorce. I did not move. It was not because I did not hear the news or I did not understand, I sat there because I knew this was coming. I just did not know how soon.

In 5th grade, my older sister told me about my parents going to marriage counseling. I thought, “My parents? No way, they will work it out.” But after a few weeks I took notice. I had lied to myself. What I had been seeing as love my entire life, wasn’t love. It was 2 people, raising 3 girls under the titles of mom and dad, and although they had a ring, they were not husband and wife.

After I found out about the divorce, my father began sleeping on the couch. It did not really bother me that much at first. Although, days turned into weeks and then weeks turned into months and he was still sleeping on that couch, every night. At first I could hear the yelling and screaming from downstairs through my bedroom floor. I would crawl under my covers and pray it would be over soon.  After a while conversation grew short, between everyone. The idea of my parents divorced became real and everyone had a different way of dealing with it.

I shut everyone and everything out. I stayed locked inside my room and isolated myself from the outside world. I kept all of my thoughts inside my head because I feared other people’s opinions. My classmates might have said I’m just looking for attention or I’m being over dramatic, so I never let anything go. Everything inside my mind became the only thing I could think about. This really made me struggle emotionally to believe in myself and know that it would all be okay. I started questioning why it was worth it to keep fighting if I was just going to be destroyed. I lost all confidence in myself and could only see the negatives.

There was one day I was doubting myself so much at school I couldn’t hold in my tears anymore. I ran out of the classroom and locked myself in the bathroom stall. After class had ended, one girl came to make sure I was okay. She asked if she could help in anyway. I told her about everything that had been going on. She told me how sometimes life doesn’t always go your way and things like this make you stronger. I just needed to have hope.
From that day on I realized something.  I am the reason I ended up like this. I did this to myself. I locked myself up so I didn’t have to face reality. I closed myself off from everything and everyone.

I truly became a happier person after that day and now I know that even the smallest compliment or advice can make a difference.

This is my story and it is why I believe in hope for the future. Eventually something good will come and make everything worthwhile.






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