Sadness

October 13, 2017
By , Hill, NH

Alzheimer's is probably the worst but it doesn't start to really suck until the goodbye begins. The countless memories that we shared will never be remembered. I will have them and will reminisce on the forgotten days until they become a faint memory for me. I would give anything to go back and relive all the old memories, or even to have him spark the smallest memory just so we can sit and talk about how idiotic it was. I want to have a conversation without it ending with him introducing himself to me again. When the person who was my whole world forgets who I am, it tears me apart inside. The person that once cared for me can no longer do that, nor care for himself. Now I care for my caregiver, trying to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive. 

 

Here I am and you still aren't here.  Not a day passes by where you don't cross my mind. It really pains me to believe that you won't be there to watch me succeed.


You won't be there to watch my final games and talent shows. You won’t watch me walk across the stage of  when I accept my diploma, as the tassel on my cap moves from one side to the other.


You won't be there to watch me start the first big chapter in my life, the college I get accepted into, and the crazy adventures I will go on.


You won’t watch me get my first real job after college, my first apartment, and you won't be able to meet my future boyfriend who I take home for approval.


You won’t watch me walk down the aisle in my wedding dress, see my first dance, or when I move into my new house where I will start my future family.


You won't be there to meet your future grandchildren, teach them advice. You won't be there for their school games and concerts.


You won't be there and that's the hardest part. You were the next closest thing I had to a father when my own wasn't there. You watched me grow up until you couldn't remember who I was anymore. I was with you everyday at the nursing home, even though you didn't know who I was, I was still with you. I wanted to tell you everything you were missing and I still do.


I miss the warmth in his smile when he saw me which faded. Then I got looked at like a complete stranger. He was my number one fan, my supporter, my world, my everything, my best friend and the one I went to when something was wrong. When I had him around, I knew that I could do anything. Even if I did mess up, he would be right there cheering me on or helping me fix it. There was never a time when he didn’t support me. If I had fallen down, he would be right there to pick me back up. He taught me countless things—countless things I will never forget and use forever. I will never forget him or the memories, ever. That is something that will never fade. He will be my number one, forever and always. A world without him is a world I don't want to live in, but I make the most of my sadness.






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