The Feeling of Heartbreak

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Dear Future Self,


The cafeteria was bustling with students as everyone ate their lunches I’m sure they won’t admit that their mother made for them, and it was hard to hear anything over the chattering of numerous conversations, although I could hear his laugh above all the sharp noises. The smell of today’s cafeteria food was an overwhelming stench that not only made me want to plug my nose but spray axe cologne all over the place. However, I was too busy paying attention to the way he would smile and laugh without a care in the world to worry about the endless conversations and disgusting smells that surrounded me. I should have known that he really didn’t care about anything, not even me, but my thoughts and warnings were caught off guard by the way he just simply looked at me. I saw something in those bright blue eyes that no one else saw, and I saw something in the way he smiled at me and shouted my name in the hallways and it made me ignore everyone saying that I should stay away from him. I couldn’t stay away. It was like a moth drawn to a flame, where I was the moth and he was the a ball of dazzling radiant light that I just needed to touch no matter how much it burned me in the end. And in the end I did get burned, straight through my flesh and deep into my bones where it is harder to heal.


What I carry is something most teenagers in their early years of adolescents go through, but in my case it has happened many times and I can only blame myself for the dumb mistake of doing it over again and again. It happened again when I fell hard, harder than all the times I have ever fallen before, into the dark hole of abyss that was incredibly hard to get out of, and incredibly hard to get over. I just couldn’t help it. He looked at me like every teenage girl wanted to be looked at, like I put all the stars in the sky and told him the only reason I threw those dazzling balls of light into the air was so I could wish for him. And I did. I wished for a guy just like him, a boy that didn’t see the stars in the sky but in my eyes and made me believe that everyone loved to stargaze-- that he loved to stargaze.


But what I didn’t wish for was for him to leave without a single trace of goodbye, just me wondering what I did wrong. Was the millions of stars in the sky not good enough for him? Did he no longer see the galaxies that clouded over the confusion in my eyes as I saw him walk away with a new girl tugging at his arm?  So I looked up into the plain blue sky and asked him if this is how he saw me now, and all I got was the pathetic answer of silence. Suddenly the stars didn’t seem as bright, only a disturbance in the night sky tricking people into thinking that if you wish upon it it will come true.


Maybe I should give you a mental picture of this person, so you can see just how beautiful he truly was and then you will know for sure why I fell for him. He had a smile that lit the whole room. I know you probably see that description in books or lyrics from a song but in this case, it’s absolutely true. His smile is still the most amazing smile I have ever seen; it’s so bright and contagious that you can’t just help and grin alongside with him. His laugh was just as contagious, something that you want to listen to over and over again. I cannot tell you how many times I said something funny just so I can hear that pure noise of joy come out of his mouth. And he was sweet, charming. You couldn’t help but like him. He was tall too, tall enough that he basically towered over me, and hair that looked soft and made me want to run my hands through it. Don’t even get me started on his voice. It’s probably what I miss most about him. I don’t know what it is about his voice that makes you so calm and at peace with the world. It was like as if God created his own little song of heaven and made it into this boy’s voice, saying: here, say this girl’s name and watch her fall in love.


You remember him, don’t you? I mean, how could you not? He was perfect for you, and I bet you’re still wondering what you did wrong and are carrying around the feeling of rejection. But I didn’t write this letter to remind you of the haunted memories-- I did it to help you move on. You are much stronger than what you give yourself credit for. So don’t remember the way he smiled and laughed, remember the way he wouldn’t speak to you outside of texting and saying hi to you in the hallways and the way he lied to you. Remember the way it felt when he left and how you bawled into your mother’s chest when he did, and turn those hurt feelings into relief. You should be relieved that that awful boy left, because in reality, he lost someone who would go to the ends of the Earth and back for him, someone who is truly amazing-- and he will never get that back. Remember that.


Love, your past self.






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