Religion has been followed for thousands of years, generations of people believing in some sort of a higher being controlling the way we live our lives. Without question, I have been deeply following my religion. Usually, I would never think about the facts and evidence supporting the religion's main sacred book or writings but recently, my feeling for it has greatly changed. I still hesitantly believe in the religion but with the various complications, the general feeling of the religion has been weakened. These types of changes are hard for me to understand but will help me progress in a positive way.

As a child, I would never doubt the existence of a god or a religion. While growing up, I became suspicious until I finally asked myself if my age-old beliefs are real and if they are physically possible. I found myself in a 50/50 situation where if in need I would follow what I have been raised up to, but otherwise, I would not believe at all, to the point I would openly deny. When my mother developed a rare brain tumor I had started praying again, believing that she could make it despite the little information about the tumor. It seems to be like a lightswitch, it's sometimes turned on and sometimes turned off. It turned on whenever I needed hope or some strength within my life but unexpectedly turned off when I was just generally living. My parent's reaction was shocking, they didn’t understand how these foreign ideas could even be thought of, but to me, it was human nature. I had to question things I did not fully believe in, even if at first the answer would seem super obvious. Some nights when alone, this thought would drive me to insanity, switching from believing to denying. I ultimately could never fully decide what to believe in.

In the beginning, it just began simply, missing church and other religious practices. My parents were often fine with it but sometimes for special religious occasions, I was forced to come and participate. Personally, I found them as the same thing every time, sitting, standing, singing, walking and it continuously repeated every week. I would rather sleep in then go to something I have experienced what seems to be thousands of times. Years after years I slowly deteriorated my faith until I openly was saying I was an atheist. My relationship with God had dwindled to nothing. This drove me to a psychotic state of mind, even to this very day, without full belief in religion I had to answer some of the hardest questions. What happens after we die and what is the meaning of life. For a 15 year old, these questions put me in downward spiral, I couldn’t stop thinking of them. Everywhere I went in the back of my mind I was thinking about topics people usually never remembered until their later ages. In addition, I was shunned by my family and constantly questioned why. Persistently they have given me examples to how the Catholic religion is accurate and true. Even though they had convincing points I do not believe they have ever asked themselves truly why they believe what they are praising to the point I have.

I continually questioned whether what billions of people believe to just be false. Could their lives just be lies, everything they have been brought up to believe just be one big lie, a falsehood which has given billions a false hope. What about the people who died before my time, for them, this cause was a noble death but for me, it's just it's just another belief which will never be answered. I personally feel down for the people who don’t question the same ideas as I, but in return I am depressed because of these questions. Just one conversation with yourself and you could understand so much more about what your actual beliefs about life. Although this seems extremely negative and depressing. It has caused me to value life so much more than previously and to enjoy the time I am on earth.