Dear Mom

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Dear Mom,

It’s been 7 years and still to this day I believe that it is all my fault. What happened to you is just vile and disgusting. So young, bright, special and of all things you are my mother. I didn’t say were because that is past tense and no matter you will always be my mother. I can’t stop these thoughts for the past seven years and to this day still blame myself for not stopping you from walking out the door that night. Looking back at that night your words were that you were going to pick up a friend and you’ll be right back and guess what you did come back the first time, but not the second time. When you came back the first time I was excited to see you so I could finally sleep, I had my fun and playtime with karma, but you came back and said you had to run one more errand with a friend. You called me down the stairs, I came and you told me to get your perfume, I ran back up the stairs while you were tying your shoe. I came back you spray yourself  and I ask you for a Twinkie, that you kept in your room, because of me but that’s another story. “I’ll be right back, Okay?” “Okay.” “I love you.” “I love you too.” You kiss my cheek and I run back up the stairs, grab a twinkie and plop on the bed next to Karma. I never thought that was the last time I’d see you. It’s suppose to mean something, but to this day I still don’t f***ing understand the purpose of you being gone and I don’t understand why still take it so damn hard. All these years and yes I understand that you are my mother, but why did you have to leave that night why couldn’t you just have stayed? So much stuff that I wish I could share with you my first boyfriend, my first break up, my first kiss, my first period, and my eighth grade graduation, hearing your voice cheer me on as I walked across the stage. Sometimes I like to think about what life would be like if you were still here, how much more different would we turn out. How different our entire family would be? Would they still argue and fight over the stupidest things, would Tricey go to actual college, would Angel be different in general, would I ever found out who I really am or my passions, would Cam be as bad and disobedient, and last of all would Karma be so different and actual at the age of seven understand of everything around her? We are still a family and I will always love you and I know you would probably punch me for blaming myself for something out of my control. I just wish you were still here no matter how different things would be. The fact of you just being here and having you in my life would be the greatest thing ever. Understanding that you are gone and that it has been this long, is still a shock to me, the only thing that hits me hard is understanding that there are plentiful holiday’s , birthday's, graduations, marriages, and who knows maybe even childbirths to come and knowing that you won't be there in flesh and blood is the hardest f***ing thing to make come to reality. In closure of this, I still believe that one day ever since I picked up your ringing cellphone, hearing “Yo mama was shot” That one day soon enough you’ll come walking smiling and life will continue, but the only thing different is that you are back alive and well. When in the end I know that will never happen and it's all just an illusion for my brain to cope and deal with you being gone, but never forgotten. 
        Sincerely,
         Your Daughter






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