Coming to Reality

August 24, 2017
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Life is a rollercoaster. I don't know if I am up for the ride, yet I was placed on it. My life tends to revolve around the disasters and memories of my past. Sometimes the guilt of the past wants to hang onto your shoulders, but it hurts so much, to the point where you just have to let go. Except, letting go wasn't an option for me, I hope it will never be. The past is apart of me, it is the only thing I am hanging onto.
She died a few years ago. I was mentally alone, barely letting out any tears, since I was so young. When someone dies, you can never get them back. You can never fill the place they had in your life. You can never get back their love, smile, laugh, but you can keep the memories and let them thrive inside your heart.
When all else fails. When happiness, hope, faith, when it all fails, there is love. Love the savior, love the thing that keeps everyone going. All relationships, all smiles, are attached to love. There were a lot of items in my life. These items held memories, they held the love that she gave me. When she was around when I was little, I had my wall painted with a yellow and purple castle and butterflies. Pink flags sailed on top of the triangle roofs of each building. Blue and white clouds managed to hold this amazing structure up in the sky. A hill of green made a pathway to the grand entrance of this castle. Magical? Yes, very. Now, 10 years later, this artwork still stays on my wall, because I’m not ready to paint over the memories I made with her. The little moments I can recall, I am not prepared to end it all.
Even though I had to let go of a lot of things, the pain never left me. It is glued to me. Pain, the enemy. Pain, the thing that stabs your heart endlessly. Pain, something you must find before reaching happiness.
My mom died, at 10 years old. I was an innocent little girl. Never thinking that something so horrible can affect me. I still wasn't aware that the world wasn't full of fairy tales. I wasn't aware that the future I wanted for my mom, dad, and I, would never come true. I was going to get married and would have kids, and my mom was going to be the grandma to my kids. My life was already written down in this story book in my head. As I turned each page to the book, the words were suddenly changing. I kept holding on, struggling to try to change the words back to what they were before, but I couldn't. The future was this magnet, pulling me away from my fairytale life from the past. Dragging me, and I finally had to let go, and face the facts that the future wasn't a fairytale. It was a messy, horrible bundle of emotions. I was either going to get on with life, or stay in this bubble of the past.
I remember sitting on a swing in our house reading this book with my mom, we would read it all the time. It always made me cry. When you opened the book it played this sad song, it had people who were sad, with broken hearts. I can faintly remember what the book was about, but I clearly remember that I always told my mom I didn't want her to die. Then look, a few years later she did. My worst nightmare just happened to come true.
I never realized that everything can disappear in a matter of time. People were always telling me to appreciate all that I had, because one day, it would all be gone. People telling me not to take anything for granted. Well, now I finally listened, but it is too late to appreciate my mom.  I still can appreciate my dad. Everytime we argue, I get scared of when our last days will come to haunt us. Sometimes this makes me too frightened to enjoy the time I have with him now, for one day it will all come to an end.
Time is like a ticking bomb just waiting to explode. When it does explode, the whole world around you goes down in flames. Hearts are broken, happiness is torn into pieces, and what used to be a family, is barely trying to prepare for their future while they they are holding on to the past. Trying to scrounge up the remaining happiness they used to have.
When it happened, it felt like a dream. A dream I was still trapped in. I hadn't woken up to reality yet. I hadn't felt the pain of reality. Until now. The pain hurts, it stabs, it causes wounds. It heals, slowly. In a matter of months, death came patrolling my mother's every move. It came following her, until her last day, August 19, 2014. The day I didn't get to say goodbye. It was the day I would never get to see her again. Never get to feel her touch. Hold her hand. Feel her presence. I’d never get to see her smile. Have her talk to me. Feel her gentle kiss on my forehead. The world came tumbling down, because of cancer. Cancer was the enemy. My mom and our family had our boxing gloves on trying to beat the cancer away. Our strength wasn't enough, to cure the damage that has been done. We had lost the battle, we had lost it all.
I believe everything happens for a reason. The sun that dances across the sky, dances for a reason. The lighting that thunders across the world, thunders for a reason. My mom died, she died for a reason. I’m still unfolding reasons why, but here is one: my dad and I could get closer. That is what is happening, but at a cost. A deadly one.
It all happened three years ago. I was just a little girl, curious about my future. Easily swayed by the words that were put into my head. I wrote and wrote and dumped all my feelings onto a blank piece of paper. I filled up the paper with things about myself. For years, this was one of the only things I was truly committed to, writing. The blank pages, were overloaded with feelings. This is where I want to share my story. This is the year that I want to let it all out. The pain, the tears, the happiness. Tell the world that no one is normal, everyone is different. Behind some peach skin and dark brown eyes is an unforgettable life story that changed myself forever. Changed the way I looked, my personality, my feelings, my strength. I gained strength, yet I lost a piece of my heart.
When I was first born I stepped onto this roller coaster at an ‘amusement park,’ it was called life. They said this rollercoaster would take over 100 years and I won't be getting off of it for a while. It had ups and downs and curves and twists. It made me afraid, not of the world, but for the people around me, and maybe for myself. Maybe for my future. Maybe what I had planned out of what my life was going to be like, isn't what will really happen. Life was a whole puzzle, then it fell apart. Piece by piece the puzzle lost the pieces that made it a whole, maybe later it will get mended back together. Now I am here, in this moment, living my life.

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