Dear sister, it makes me upset when you take my things. It makes me upset when you lose my things and don't apologize for it. I have always been so helpful towards you, I have always supported you and yet you still do stuff that upsets me. You know it upsets me, so I don’t know why you do it. You were so cruel in our younger years and I tried to forgive and forget but I can’t. I’m still scared, every time you yell, every time you fight with me I get so upset. Because all I can think is when is the next time she snaps. When is the next time she hits me, or makes me feel worthless. And I can’t start a new relationship with you right now because I’m not ready to forgive you.
I’m not ready to move on and you have to understand that. You don't get to be mad. You don't get to be upset that I can’t put my foot forward. I’m still so fearful and so controlled by you. You just have to manipulate me because you know I’m not good at staying mad. I’m not good at harbouring hate, because I don’t want to hate. I want to love, all I feel is love for you and thats why I’m so mad because after all you did to me, I still can’t find any hate in me. And you don't deserve the love I give to you, I’m sorry but you dont. You know what scratch that I’m not sorry. I’m done being sorry, I’m done apologizing for not doing things your way. I was so sure I was going to have to call 911 when we were younger because I thought you were going to go to far, I just waited for when you went too far. Do you know what it feels like to live your entire childhood in fear, I can only assume you don’t. You need to take the first step, you need to say your sorry you need to really contemplate all the things you did to me. All I have ever given you is love, support etc. but you are just mean. You make fun of me and yet you want a new relationship. I’ll admit your better, your 100 times better but that doesn't mean you can play with my emotions still. That doesn't mean you can string me along and have me do whatever you want. I went through a lot at school and you making me feel bad about myself didn't help. I was getting bullied at school and at home. No wonder I became depressed. No wonder the only thing I could think when I saw in the mirror was dislike. I hated how I looked, who I was, I used to be happy but you and many others f***ed me over. You let me down. And that is something I’ll never be able to get over. Ever.
I know your a good person, your my sister I just want us to be friends. But not yet. Not without you addressing everything you put me through. I just wanted a friend, one trustworthy friend. And yet, no one at school could give that to me. And neither could you. And I always thought it was my fault you hated me. Cause you did, right, you hated me? I almost sure you did. Or at least it felt like you did. Hitting me, smashing my things and telling me everything that was wrong with me. Sharing my personal diary with your friends and laughing about me with them. I’m scared at how easily I let you back in my life, I’m scared at how I can pretend everything fine. I needed you, and you left me. You completely betrayed my trust and continue to hurt me fully knowing thats what your doing. I just can’t take it anymore, I guess thats all I’m saying. I’m so broken inside, so completely broken. My heart feels like it was patched together with scotch tape. I don't feel good I feel like s***. All my past experiences are still present in my mind. I doubt myself every chance I get and I can’t help but blame some of it on you. I f***ing needed you when mom and dad were fighting, I needed you when my friends were leaving me behind because I wasn't good enough. And you weren't there, you let me down just like they did. So to conclude this note, I’m not ready to forgive you, I’m not ready to fully trust you and I’m not sure if I ever will.
My trust has been broken so many times that I doubt I could even begin to start a whole new relationship with you. So I’m not sorry but thats how its going to be. Time to put up some boundaries. Time to start looking out for myself. Its time to start needing me, and not you. Because you, did a s*** job at being there, and really I can only count on myself, big sister.