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An Appointment with Death

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I hesitated to open the car door. I put one foot out the door and then the next. I walked over to the door on the garage. I put my hand on the handle and took a deep breath, while holding back the tears. Then I went up the stairs knowing how she was going to look, feel, and sound. I said hello to my dad, and walked into her bedroom. She was lying there on her back, with her mouth open, and eyelids shut. I walked over to the bedside and kissed her forehead, she flinched in pain. Then I sat down in the chair as mine and my mother’s  tears came out of our eyes. I sat there in silence feeling all the pain.  


My dad kept telling me, “Tell her about your day, she can hear you.” I ignored him and buried my face into my mom. I just held Nana’s hand and stroked it like she would always do to mine. I sat there staring at her pretty pink nails, then I heard the apartment door open. In walked Kilee and Caysee, my cousins. Kilee sat down immediately and started sobbing,  which made me feel all of the hurt. I think Caysee was just in shock. She didn't say anything she stood up and left to play with my brother. My dad had left the room and sat in the living room with Stacey.


My mother suggested to share our favorite memory with Nana.


I shared mine with tears in my eyes. “My favorite memory was when I picked Nana and Louise up from Lisa and Roberts. Lisa offered them a mini wine. My Nana thought she lost it so we had to go the whole way back looking for it, but it was in the glove compartment the whole time.” After I shared my memory Kilee shared her memory was something about prom. 


Kilee and I did what my dad suggested and we talked about our day.


“Today i fell up the stairs.”I noticed Nana twitched her eyes like she was laughing at me. I couldn’t stop the giggle I left out with more tears. Kilee talked about her boy drama and how she was going to go hiking with this boy. When Kilee and I were having this conversation I pretended to be Nana, since she couldn’t respond. We laughed together and I tried to live in the moment before that moment is all gone. The tears were trying to come out but I had to stay strong. That day was everything that I wanted it to be.  I wanted to cry with her and laugh with her. The only thing I wanted to see is her pretty blue eyes. The only thing I wanted to feel was her thumb rubbing back and forth. I wanted to smell her perfume. I wanted to feel the roughness of her sweatshirt on my hand. I wanted to be in her car listening to the purple hippo song. I wanted her to hold me on her shoulder and stroke my hair. I wanted to tell her that I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't want to be with you when I was little, but I want to be with you now.


It was getting late so my mom said, “Are you ready?”


At this point I knew I will have to say my forever goodbye to her. I stood up, as tears were dripping off my face, and I gave her a kiss on her forehead. I hugged her and said in her ear,
“I love you, I will always love you and never forget you.” I tried to walk it felt like I had weights on my legs. I had so much more to say to her, so much more I wanted to do. I turned back and gave her another hug and kiss on her forehead. I told my dad that I loved him and I hugged him. I knew this was going to be really hard on him. Then we got in the car to leave it felt like my heart was tethered there to her, like I could not leave without knowing she was ok. When we got home I took a shower and I just stood there and thought. I thought about life that I will soon have two angels watching over me. When I was done I put on my bed clothes and got a roll of toilet paper and just sobbed until there were not anymore tears to sob out. I wrote on a piece of paper all my regrets and things I wanted to say to her. Later after thinking and thinking I fell asleep.

When I awoke in the morning it was like a normal day I got up and did my morning routine. My mom said that she could live a day or two yet so I hoped for one more day with her to be on this planet. I was dreading that it was coming soon. I came to school and went to first period and then to German, second period. I went in and we had a quiz so I started the quiz and the phone rang and I thought it was for me. Then about two minutes later and the phone rings again and I felt it in my stomach and my chest that it was for me.


My teacher said, “Ellie do you have an appointment?”


I answered “No” while holding back the tears. I felt the tickle in my throat and wiped away the tears. She told me to go down to the office and I knew the whole time. I felt the sadness crawling out.  I struggled with my book bag in my locker.  Finally I slipped into my jacket and headed to the office, which isn't that far. I got to the office and I didn't look at my mom I walked straight out the office door. I could not fathom the pain. I immediately felt the pain in my forehead. I started sobbing. At that moment I knew that I will be missing one of my grandparents forever. I knew that cancer has defeated one more of my relatives. I knew that she will be seeing her dad and her grandson.Her life goal was to see her grandkids graduate college. That goal has now vanished all of her goals are vanished.
 






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