I feel like i am drowning, like i cant breathe. Almost like I am here but not fully like i have no place to call home but when in fact i do have a home. But it feels like i am somewhere else. Somewhere i cant call home. A place that makes me feel uncomfortable, as i think to myself i have a home but there are those that dont have a place to sleep, eat or shower but i do. But i cant seem to say that its mine and that its a place where i can go to and be me. A place where no one can get to me. I sit there feeling alone and by myself and think that i am nobody. Like i was put there just to watch others move on with there lives and believe that they have a place... a place where they can feel that warmth but the only place i can see my real self is under the white sheets crying feeling all those emotions coming onto me like a flood as i lay awake sometimes at night i think about my day, was it successful or was it for nothing? Did i make it a great day? Did i live my life? Did i choose the right path? Am i good enough? Did people acknowledge me or try to get to know me? Am i good enough? Did people ignore that i was there? Did they try to see who i was, who i am, what i can be? As i lay there thinking all these things i start crying more i feel the makeup i wore that day running down my face. The black mascara i had on smudging as i get up to look in the mirror i see this lost young girl just waiting for her life to happen but it doesnt seem to start. As i think to myself nothing will happen to me if i dont try and believe that i can. So until you work for it until you believe in yourself you wont be able to get anywhere in life. Then as i start to wipe off my makeup cheek by cheek i start to see my real face not the mask i wore that day. I start to look at my flaws and see who i am. Then i feel my walls, my pain building up and eating away at me and i think to myself no your not beautiful. You use intimation and hurt as a way to get through life. You use that shy flaw to not let people in. You close yourself off from the world. It isnt others that are wrong and that arent trying at all you, you are the one thats wrong and you are the one that doesnt try and take risks. So stop blaming others and stop relying on them. Be true to yourself and be the person God wants you to be. Speak up. Know your self. Know how much greatness you have in you and know you are beautiful in every way and dont believe those shadows, those who didnt believe in you. So believe in yourself. Know you are worthy and you have that potential in you, its just a matter of finding it and using it.
June 12, 2017