It’s fall of 2015 and I am a weak 211. A 211 who walked into school one day, with a room full of people and still felt lonely. A weak 211 who started out without a father, and a not so liked person with only 2 friends. Although I was not liked, my 2 friends made me feel loved. Trying to keep me happy and loved with sleepovers and road trips full of singing. They made me feel like I was enough, even though everyone else said I was not. I was a weak 211 with a strong 231 bestfriend and another strong 227 bestfriend. A pair of bestfriends who were full of happiness and beauty. A weak 211 who came from a weak 163 father who was never mentally and emotionally with me. I feel so alone, being the weak 221 I am but I am not a number.
I am not a number, I am a giver. I help people and take them under my wings. I take caring and loving as one of my many amazing qualities that people do not understand or take for granted. Being the person people take for granted is always hard. Maybe it’s because I sometimes care too much about others more than myself. Scratch that, I always care too much. Which I am not sure is a good thing or a bad thing. Always wondering if my qualities can lead me to the right path that is ahead of me, or if it will lead me to a dead end that I would hate to have to stop to. All I’ve ever wanted was to have everyone around me happy as I follow the path of greatness. Instead, I spent more time on other people than myself. I guess you can say that is okay, because I am a giver. But one day, I will have nothing left to give.
It’s winter of 2016 and I am manageable 219. Still the girl who came from the weak father and has two strong bestfriends. The change? Going from weak to manageable. It’s not the best but its progress, not only as a number but as a human being. As a person, and as someone who was trying to do so much better. Things started getting better as I began to get more friends and more love. Then, I met a boy and he made me good. He was amazing in oh so many ways. He had this cute hair flip and the kindest smile. You can say he was the one I promised to never give up on. He was strong, but his number? It didn’t matter to me. What people labeled him as, didn’t matter to me. Although I was a manageable 219, I was also a happy 219. Thanking the boy who kept me grounded after years of spinning in circles over and over. Being happy, I do not care if you label me as a number or not. I am happy.
He made me question what my life would be like if I didn’t have someone like him in it. I wouldn’t be myself without him and I’m looking forward to the future, hoping he’ll be with me. Growing old together and being as happy as we can be. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I loved him with all my heart and I will love him forever. He made me feel like the most special person in the world, never feeling the need to compare myself to others. He was the love of my life. He never failed at making sure I was doing okay, and that I always had a smile on my face. He was my everything.
It’s spring of 2016 and I am again weak, going back down and becoming a 212. Labeling myself as a number because I felt as if I didn’t deserve to be labeled as the human being I am. Almost as close as I was in the fall of 2015. Dropping more as a number, and as a human being. Still coming from a weak dead beat father, still having two strong bestfriends. The boy without a number was gone. The amazing, happy boy. The boy who made me good, the boy who kept me grounded was now gone. Now here I am spinning in circles again just because of a mistake I made. Me being stupid enough, I let another persons number come before the boy with no number. My mistake, a mistake that left me broken and empty. Hurting as I fell to the ground trying to pick up my broken heart from the floor. They always tell you to follow your heart, but when your heart gets broken to pieces, which piece do you follow? I may be a weak 212, but I am also a stupid 212. Here I am, letting numbers define me. Letting numbers label who I am as a human being.
We were bound to end, and I guess I was the one bound to end it. I just kind of hoped that maybe he’d loved me enough to fight for me. Every day I wake up and wonder where I went wrong. Losing him wasn’t just painful, it was damaging too. The kind of damaging that happens to something that can’t be fixed, that needs to be thrown away. It was me being up all hours of the night because every time I would close my eyes, I would see your face. It was me throwing my phone at the wall and breaking it because I was drunk again and the thought of you forgetting me terrified me. It was me deleting the messages and memories but regretting it because now I couldn’t look back and find out where I went wrong. It hurt losing him and I wasn’t ever able to forget that kind of pain.
It’s fall of 2016, and I am a VERY strong 224. Doing it all on my own without anyone doing it for me. Achieving something so much more than before, my happiness. 224 may not be the best change but to me, it is. I am the version of me right now and I cannot wait for the absolute best version of me. My growth isn’t anyone elses achievement but mine. To me, I no longer come from a weak father. I come from a mom who is my hero. A single mom of 2 kids who is so strong and beautiful. I no longer let anyone else get in my way of something I want to accomplish. I am a strong 224, and a extremely happy 224. A 224 who didn’t care to be a number anymore, just caring about putting myself first. I still have my two very strong bestfriends, who gave me strength to become the strong 224 I am. I am happy where I am at as a number and as a human being.
I will try not to ever let myself down again. It’s not worth the time I have. All these feelings and words I am saying about myself doesn’t fix anything. No matter what I go through in life, I will make it. I know I can and if life ever knocks me down, I will get right back up and keep fighting. It’s life, there will be good and bad times. I just have to know that I will make it, regardless who gets in my way. Even myself. Kurt Cobain once said “I miss the comfort of being sad” and now I know what he meant. I’ve felt so terrible for so long that when I’m not feeling bad, I don’t feel like I feel anything at all. Like my life is numb, like I’m numb.
It’s winter of 2017 and I am a hurting 215. A broken, hurting, depressed 215. I am the same girl I was in the spring of 2016. I am the girl who came from a weak father and the girl with not two amazing best friends anymore, but one. I am now the girl of one loving best friend. The girl who was a very strong 231, is now my (strong in my opinion, hurting in her opinion) most of all beautiful 215. Although I am hurting, I will remain as strong as I can be for my best friend. Returning her the favor as we are there for each other. Whether it be coping with movies and ice cream. Or just sitting in silence as we cry and try to figure out where everything went wrong. As my best friend understands the things that are going through my head and wipes my tears away for me. It’s very hard though, staying strong after my 227 of a best friend, is now with the nameless number boy who was better as a human than a number.
He deserves a number, he deserves what’s coming to him. He deserves to spend the late nights crying and that hurting I was put through. He deserves to know what it’s like to drink so much that you forget the name of someone who put you through so much hurt. He deserves the watery eyes, the trust issues, the heartache that never stops hurting and he definitely deserves the “I wish I never met you”s because our relationship is a burnt bridge that we can no longer pass over. We were a perfect match and maybe that’s why we burnt out. He deserves to be a weak number like I was, but he does not deserve me. He does not deserve my love and he does not deserve my heart which he broke and left me to pick up all my pieces. Because me? I do not deserve to be a number. I do not deserve to get what I’ve been getting from him.
It’s spring of 2017 and I am a carefree 223. I am not the same girl I was before and I will never be. I am now that happy girl with the big smile on her face. I am the strong and independent human I deserve to be. I may not be where I want to be, but I am so close and its amazing. Just a few steps away and I will be where I want to be. I met a new boy, different from the other one. And he honestly made me good. He turned my whole world around for the better and I could not thank him enough for him. He’s amazing and handsome. He makes me feel like I can fly and soar above the clouds. To me, he makes hours feel like seconds. He changed my life and I am not the 224 I was before but I am 1 step away and this boy is the one. He made such an impact on my life and I couldn’t be more grateful.
I am happy where I am and I’m happy with who I’ve got in my life. This boy and my bestfriend do not deserve numbers. They are the most important people in my life and the will remain number less. They will remain as MY boy and MY bestfriend, because that is how they should be remembered in this story of my life. These people deserve so much more than they get, and they may not understand that. I will be here to make sure that they are happy and taken care of.
My bestfriend stood by my side through the bad and the good numbers. She stood by my side when she was the only one there and when no one else was. My bestfriend is my soul mate and a soul mate does not have to be a boyfriend in this story. She knows the big things and the small things in my life. She knows my flaws and she decides to love me and be by my side anyways. She is the missing piece in my life that I have been searching for for years. I may not have known the missing piece was by my side the whole time, but I do now. I could spend days with her and not get tired of her. I can watch movies or sit in silence but I still enjoy the company she gives me. She’s practically my sister and I love her with all my heart. She gave me the strength to believe again. To believe in music and art. To believe in faith and love and she made me believe that I am on the right path that I have chosen.
You’re probably wondering about the numberless boy. Well I should say my boy. My boy, changed my life for the good. He is the reason that I am the best version of myself. Although me and him may not be like this later on in life (which I hope we are, I am so thankful to have had him in my life. He calms me down with the slightest touch. He loves me for who I am. He is the best person I’ve known. He is the best influence on me. I am so in love with him and I hope to never lose him. He is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me in the 15 years I’ve been on this earth. I love the fact that I am loved not by just anyone, but by him.
I am better, I am happy and I am carefree. I will do better. Not for just myself, but my bestfriend, my boyfriend and my family. Just mainly for me after learning that I will always put myself first. That I will love myself before I can love anyone else. I will look in the mirror and not see the reflection of a coward or a depressed, helpless little girl. I will look in the mirror with a smile on my face and tell myself that I am worth something. I am a human who is here for a reason and I will tell myself that I love myself. That I am happy. That I’m only human. Going from the fall of 2015, to now (the spring of 2015) I realized I am not a number. I will not be defined as a number. I will not be looked at as a number. I will be defined as Teylor. I will be looked at as Teylor and I will be happy as Teylor.