All my life I've been struggling, contemplating, confusing myself. Always making things up, overthinking every little thing, every little decision i make. Telling myself nothing's changed when exactly the opposite happened. I need to know what's gonna happen if do one thing rather than the other. Thinking people don't like me or the pretend to be my friends. Its taking me awhile to truly figure things out, when i think something is going great , drama, school, or my thoughts get in the way.
October 2016, this is when i first realized i needed help. It was the week of Homecoming and my two Best Friends basically ended their friendship, i felt terrible because i didn't know what to do. Us three were really close then just over two text messages everything fell apart. The first message was the tearing of their friendship, but the second was the tearing of mine. Text messages are always read in the wrong context. When it happened i didn't know why one was mad at me but i soon found out she thought i told one of her secrets. I kept asking her what was wrong but she wouldn't talk to me later that day when i was home she sent we a long paragraph about it and saying how she didn't know how to trust me anymore. I fell apart after that i couldn't stop crying she was my Best Friend when i barely had any friends. I started freaking out losing friends is my worst fear. Later i research what having a panic attack was like and i realised that's exactly what i had, i was freaking out so much it felt like it would never stop. Later on we worked everything out and it was all explained, but it was still a terrible experience for me.
December 2016, I've never really liked Christmas break I've started to notice that's when the changes happen. I thought everything was great i was planning when to hang out with my friends and stuff like that, i never thought that my other Best Friend was gonna end our friendship. New Years Eve i was hanging out with a few of my friends we were watching TV like everyone usually does, and i was looking over social media. When i got to Instagram i notice this post that my friend put it said something along the lines of “these people made this year great”, I looked at the picture and noticed that i wasn't in it. All I could think about was that “her thought to be best friend didn't make that past year great?” I'm not a confrontational person so it took me 2 weeks to finally ask her about it, but then i chickened out and texted her asking what happened and why she stopped talking to me. The response i got was that we just grew apart that we would be friends just not as close. I'm still confused on how planning to have sleepover to not affecting her year happened in just a few days.
January- March 2017, during the next few months things just got more confusing, i kept having all these conflicting thoughts. I could never fall asleep at night but in the morning that's all i wanted to do. I've never been the best at school especially in Math and Science, but all my grades were slipping. I tried talking to my mom but it was hard to talk to people when they didn't understand how i think. When i kept telling her i don't know how to talk to you or anybody about this she mentioned something about going to see a therapist. At first i thought that meant there was something wrong with me, I thought people would say i'm faking it and just trying to get attention so i didn't tell anybody. When i started talking to someone different it helped in so many ways that i couldn't of imagined. It changed me and how i think, sorta i'm still working on a lot and it will never be perfect.
People change overtime, I know I've changed a lot through the past few years. I’ve been afraid of change mostly my whole life, I thought change was the devil. Since I've grown up I notice things about my personality and who i have become, I've realized a lot. I notice that i rarely can make decisions for myself i always ask other people what they would choose or what there opinion is on the topic. I am to scared to take risks or ask questions because i feel like the world will end if it's wrong. But as I've grown up i have learned how to accept that things will be out of my control change will happen and i will have to deal with it as it comes.