12 Steps for Being a White Teenager

May 23, 2017
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In order to have the perfect white teenager movie, you must include these steps:

 

Step One: At least one of the actors hired for the movie must be a blonde headed teenager. I mean who else would play the role of the sassy white girl that is too dumb for school yet is the most popular human on the face of this planet, or at least she thinks she is. Social media galore. That is all white teenagers care about..who has retweeted my tweet, how many likes do I have on Insta, “omg she just blocked me on snapchat, oh no she didn’t.” She has uggs and starbucks in her hand every day…#unicornfrapp

Step Two: For the white boys, you need the jocks! Athletic boys that only care about if their face is getting oily or if their hair gel is falling out. Fresh leather jersey jackets with professionally sewn football numbers on the back and a small can of hairspray for an emergency hair crisis. These white teenage boys are the boys that fall for the teen white girls. They want them, their cockiness, and their cute dog emoji faces that they post on their snappy chat so that the white boys will notice them even more. 

Step Three: All characters need to be rich! Not the kind of rich that people awe but the kind of rich that people want to destroy. They should never be middle class nor poor. Every white person needs to have at least 2 homes (one for the winter and one for summer), a yacht, and a fancy pool that has a hot tub that waterfalls into the pool.

Step Four: The white girls must be the best dressed in the movie, I mean who else would show everyone in the school what silk looks like with lace trim on the edges. They refuse to shop at department stores but instead they order online at professional hand made, original clothing artists.

Step Five: For the boys and girls, everything has to be given to them easily because they are privileged. If they apply for the same thing someone else, they will get it first because they are white and better than everyone else. ‘

Step Six: The characters have to have the perfect romance story. Highschool cheer captain and the star on the football or basketball team. The guy gives the girl his jersey jacket and roses everyday. They live a perfect life with their perfect selves in their perfect houses with their matching golden retrievers that have engraved leather collars that have love letters written on them. Everything perfect, just perfect!

Step Seven: They all must attend the most preppiest private school that requires matching uniforms with nice pretty shoes and perfect hair dos. Matching monogrammed books that have the author’s signature in them because they are white and they are rich.

Step Eight: The white teens live in the perfect neighborhood with the perfect family. All their parents are neighbors and best friends. They all planned for their children to be born at the same time so they could be best friends too! Aw how cute! They all have matching yards, well manicured of course. Perfectly painted white picket fences that are lined with lilies and roses that are symmetrical to each other. In such neighborhood, the sun is always shining and the birds are always chirping. I mean, every white person lives the perfect life...did you know that?

Step Nine: Oh and they all have to be racist. Yes they all have hate every person that is different from them, right? That is what they do if the character is white, that is why people are white so they can hate everyone else, it is their job.

Step Ten: They all have preppy little jobs like working at a ice cream shop and babysitting the friendly tots that live across the straight, freshly cemented street. They have all their friends come and watch them work because they are amazing teenagers that work so hard and deserve to be honored for doing such work. The teenagers are paid a lot because their families are rich, you wanna know why? Because they are white spoiled brats.

Step Eleven: They have annual family picnics where everyone in town comes with hotdogs, coleslaw, lemonade and american flags everywhere. Loud country music and old men talking about their days in the war and ranting on about politics. They have to laugh, laughing shows they had a good time and only white people have a good time…#privileged.

Step Twelve: Each bratty white teenager has to be self-centered. Me, me, me, me, me, and oh a little more me! The actor has to only care about themselves to play the role of a white teenager. Who else would stare at their perfect beautiful white faces? Not other white teenagers, they are too busy looking at themselves.

If your actors have these ideas in their head when they shoot the scenes, being typical white people, maybe just maybe they can catch a true glimpse on tv what it is truly like to be a typical white teenager growing up in the hard life of billionaire row.






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