May 22, 2017

I’ve felt like I was floating, I’ve fallen to the floor, and my feet have felt like they were in an endless cycle of walking one after the other through days so ordinary that they didn’t feel like anything at all. Being a person is hard. Lately I have found myself caught up in the same constant questions. When is it that I am at my happiest? When is it that I am at my lowest? Why does it sometimes feel like I’m not feeling anything at all?

I am at my happiest when I feel loved. Whether this love come from someone close to me, a mere acquaintance, a stranger, or myself. Especially myself. I am happiest when I am proud of who I am. When I finish a piece of art that I don’t want to stop looking at or when I take a photograph with just the right lighting, just the right colors to make it stand out. This is why I am in yearbook designing for others and myself to enjoy and capturing moments that can now stand still forever. This is why I am applying to AP art next year even though I know I will cry when the stress of deadlines and the weight of heavy sketchbooks bring me down. It is bad to feed of of compliments, but I do. When I am recognized for something I am driven to do more of that something. I like getting along with people. Genuine smiles and small comments that may sound like nothing to others but mean everything to me. To know I make someone happier is all I need to be happier myself.

There are some days when I don’t feel good or bad. I walk to each class, I do the work assigned to me, I go home, I eat dinner, and I go to sleep. I get so caught up in routine that I can’t even feel time pass. Being emotionless makes you feel like you are not even a being anymore.

I am at my lowest point when I feel drained. When I don’t want to listen to music because nothing I hear puts a spark in me. When everything I plan to do feels useless. When I don’t believe in myself enough. Sometimes I  think I put myself down because I don’t want others to. I get to this point where everything makes me mad and upset. Somehow I manage to drown out the sweet steady hum of all of the good surrounding me and instead listen to the resonating sound of absolutely nothing.

After hours of thought and paragraphs of writing on this subject I have come to a basic conclusion. I feel as I do when I do because I am human and that is how life works. Being sad, happy, and caught up in life all play a part in who I am. LIfe is complicated and so am I. Emotions are meant to be felt whether they are good or bad. Of course I, along with almost everyone else wish I could be my best and happiest self 100 percent of the time, but when I step back and think about it I ask myself one final question. How would I be able to tell when I am happy if I have never felt any other way?

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