Now let me tell you something, depression is not beautiful. It's not something that you should be proud to show off but it also should not limit you and not let you think that you are anything less than perfect. Personally, I think that depression is not something that you should post about and be like, “OMG!! I’m so depressed I’m going to rope!!” To me, that is mocking everyone who has been through that. Depression is not a joke. Suicide is not a joke. Mental illness is not a joke. All these are horrible thoughts, feelings, actions, and many other things that affect so many people. I am one of these people.
I called my mom on the phone, frantically sobbing.
“...I took... a lot of pills…”
“I took a lot of aspirin..”
“Why did you do that?”
“I just want to die.”
“ I'm going to send Marsha over while I'm on my way home.”
I don't really think it went that smoothly, but that was one of the few times I have heard my mom cry. Marsha, my mom's friend, came over and she sat on the kitchen floor with me. I had been sitting on that floor for thirty minutes trying to make the call to my mom. Did I want to die? At the time I took the pills the answer may of been yes, even after I called my mom the answer may of been yes, but over time I learned that I really don't want to die, and that sometimes things may be bad but you have to find the things in life to live for.
That day I went to the hospital, I first went to the ER, a place that just smelt like sanitizer and sadness. At the ER I had to drink disgusting charcoal. That stuff was so gross, it felt and tasted like I was drinking rancid chalk. After that, I went to the psych ward at that hospital, that place was hell. Literal hell. Everyone was stuck up and not my type of people, some of the workers were very mean, and overall there was just way too much alone time. It gave me so much anxiety, I didn't know what to do with myself. The alone time was in such a great quantities--something you should never provide a suicidal teenager--all this time made me think way too much. Thinking is the worst thing you can do when you are in the mindset I was. The thoughts that went through my head ranged from, “why did I make the decision?” to “why did I tell someone?” to “why am I not dead?” These days at the psych ward were some of the hardest days of my life, it was the first time ever I saw my dad cry, it was the first time I saw how bad I was hurting my parents, the first time I realized that I am a disaster, the first time I realized that I have to help myself. They diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and anxiety. That was something that was really hard for me to accept. I thought that it was nothing. I thought that I would never be back to this horrible place. Little did I know that I would eventually come back and eventually go to several other programs.
I had been a weird kid all my life, I had extreme temper tantrums that lasted for very long amounts of times. I couldn't really keep friends, I got more sad as my life kept going on and I got really, really mad at points. My parents noticed these things but never put the pieces together and I don't think they realized the struggle that was going to come as I aged. The first time I noticed I was “different” was in 5th grade. I had lost all my friends because I treated them badly and just didn't act like I cared. I was just a weird, lonely kid who became aware of their weirdness and loneliness. 6th grade was ok, it was the beginning of a friendship that turned out to be very toxic but at least I had a friend. The friend that turned out to be toxic was a very weird kid, like me. We had seen each other because of previous soccer teams but we never really talked. In 6th grade though we started talking and we became really close. She was my best friend, all through 6th grade, 7th grade and even the beginning of 8th grade. That's when I started to notice that she lied a lot. It made me wonder what really was the truth and what was really real. I'm going to tell you the truth, I lied a lot too. I lied about things that we should not lie about. I lied about who I was. I lied about everything. I became aware of this and that's when I decided to change. I decided to better myself, but she did not.
I tried hard to better myself.
She did not.
My freshman year was slightly better than 8th grade. I had been bettering myself all summer but some of my flawed traits were still there. I still lied about somethings, I was an overly dramatic person and I just wasn't that enjoyable to be around. I didn't know how to have a healthy relationship either. Not just love relationships but even friend relationships too. I went into freshman year with very few friends, maybe just 1 or 2 that I thought were good friends. I met a lot of new friends, but of course I messed up those friendships by the end of the year. They were all so nice but I was just the same me that didn't know how to keep anything steady. I treated them poorly and I realize now how bad I acted towards them. At this point in time (Junior, almost senior year) I have made amends to a lot of them, am friends with them and treat them they best that I can. I am still friends with one of my original friends, she is a wonderful person who moved away. She is someone that I know will always stick with me, she already has through so many terrible, and wonderful, events in my life. The most important thing that she stayed by my side was with was this boy. His name was Nathan.
Nathan was your typical gamer nerdy type. When I met him I was also the typical gamer nerdy type. This may sound lame and really dumb but I met him when I admined a facebook page, that was a thing that a lot of my friends did when I met him. I asked him if I could help him out with his page and he said yes. We never really talked that much until I knew him for a few months. We connected so quickly. We realized that we were so much alike: he was a depressed teen, I was a depressed teen, he loved anime and video games, I loved anime and video games (cringey, I know). we had so much more in common. It was crazy. After a few more months of talking we realized that we were actually really good for each other. We started dating after knowing each other for 1 ½ years. I haven't mentioned this yet but this was an online relationship, I know that seems dumb and pointless but it was real. Sometimes the best people you meet will be far away from you. Anyways, I realized soon I was in too deep with this boy. I was deeply, deeply in love with him. Everything was perfect, we were planning to meet soon but then he left after we’d been dating for about a year. He just disappeared. The first day, I messaged him, just a simple “hey.” Towards the end of the day I said, “Hey.. we haven't talked at all today, that’s that longest that we haven't talked in awhile. I hope something isn't up. I love you!’
The days went on.
“Still no talking? Hope everything is ok, I love you.”
“Did I do something wrong??? Did I do something to make you hate me? Why aren't you talking to me? Nathan, please, I love you so much.”
No response ever came.
About a year later I messaged him one last time.
“Nathan, thank you for showing me what love actually felt like. I don't think I will ever meet somebody like you. You helped me through so much and I hope that maybe someday I will find somebody who will treat me the way you did… at least in the beginning.”
Nathan is typing….
I don't remember exactly what he said but I do remember that he said he didn't want to hurt me so he just stopped talking to me. He never apologized. He just left. He left me even though he said he loved me. This destroyed me. It ruined me. He changed me, I will never be the same. He made me realize that love is just some dumb thing. The love I felt from him, though, was real. The only real love that I think I will ever feel. You may think that I don't know what love is or that I can't truly love because I am so young, but let me tell you something. I know that this boy changed me. I know that we had feelings for each other that I honestly don't think I will ever feel again. What we had was real even though in the end it destroyed everything that I had been working towards. Nathan was the love of my life and I don't think I will ever meet somebody like him. I made the decision to fall for him and he decided to leave, I will never be the same because of these choices.
After Nathan I was lost for such a long time. I didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't decide what I needed to do. I didn't know anything anymore. He broke me down and I had to start rebuilding myself. That's just what I did. I started over. I went to more hospitals and programs and I had--and still do have--amazing support from my family and friends. I realized that nobody can help me more then I can help myself. It all starts with yourself. I am doing great in life right now. School is going pretty well, I have good friends, I’m thinking about colleges and how to plan for my dream career, and overall I am just happy. I am happy and alive. I am happy to be alive. I have decided to continue on strong.