Chose to see both boys and girls on Tinder at 11 years old, told myself it was because their selfies were more interesting to look at, thought nothing of it.
Listened to my friend in 7th grade talk about how she used to look at boys’ crotches in gym. After I agreed, I wondered if I was allowed to say that I stared at training bras and thighs with the same curiosity.
Got butterflies when my camp counselor told me that she adored my personality, told myself that I felt like that only because I wanted to be just like her.
My best friend told me “you know, girls can marry girls too… If they want,” in second grade while we sharpened colored pencils, and learning that for the first time brought forth a relief that I still can’t describe 10 years later.
Felt my heart burst as Piper Chapman had a steady, tall, loving boyfriend and at the same time loved a girl who let her travel the world. Felt crushed when she said that she was only confused, had no idea why this meant so much to me.
Identified strongly with the phrase, “if you’re so close-minded that genital types get in the way of love, then I cannot help you.” Reread that quote over and over, wondering what it felt like to for love to be curbed by something so tiny, didn’t realize that it meant anything at all.
Felt pride because a boy asked me if my best friend and I were gay for each other. I shook my head quickly and moved on, but looked at the photo he took of us in each other’s laps 8 different times that night.
When I told my speech teacher that I could really identify with middle aged lesbians, and a boy in basketball shorts asked me if I was gay, and I shook my head quickly, my heart ached for an entire day, I wrote it down, and begged my best friend to help me understand why I felt like this.
Went to see Halsey in concert before I even knew her name. Felt the same burst in my heart that I felt as a 12 year old seeing Niall Horan for the first time. Told myself it was a girl crush, planned a wcw post. When I read that she was bi, felt relieved thinking, “someday she could love me back,” didn’t realize that this wasn’t the straightest thought.
I’ve always fought with myself about trying to love people more. Yeah, you have a standee, 200 posters, and 4 concert experiences under your belt, but now you need to go sit outside a hotel to prove yourself.
You held the door, complimented 7 strangers, volunteered 3 hours, and lent 12 pencils this week, but you could still do more for people, be more polite, be kinder, try harder to make them smile.
You spend 7 hours with your best friend last week, ignored all other responsibilities, froze your ass off at her softball game, but now she wants to see those planes that make her heart soar and even if you’re exhausted, you owe it to her.
On that day I decided that I was going to take on the label bisexual, call all my best friends, change my tumblr bio, and finally admit to myself that yeah, that girl in my dance class is totally hot, I felt my heart lift nearly out of my chest as I realized: maybe I’m not so bad at loving people after all.