I’m the type of person who would be left out. A lot. I am the weird and outgoing one in my group of friends. I’m the green M&M in a pile of red M&M’s. I’m the one that loves to perform on stage even if I am a horrible singer or if I make a mistake, like tripping on my words or messing up a chord. I’m the one that had no friends when I was younger, the one that can’t say to another, “I’ve been friends with you since preschool!” I’m the one who embarrasses oneself more than one can talk. I’m the weird one that gets nostalgia from rock songs. I always encounter issues when it comes to moving on from the past. "Move on, anak*, it was in the past", says my mom.
Sometimes, I have a hard time letting things go. I’m the one who still misses my middle school teachers hoping to see them again. I’m the one who knows exactly what it feels to be an outsider everyday. I’m the one who had millions of bullies in the past. Some might say I have buck teeth.
I know the feeling of sorrow and contentment. I know the feeling of being misunderstood. I fear that creature of loss and dejection. I have a long record of screwing things up and not thinking when I should have before I act. I’m the one that gets so excited by the little things. I cry so easily by the smallest things. I always fumble on my words and occasionally have trouble when I’m put on the spot. I try to be happy and positive, but it sometimes seems impossible with a world that doesn’t cooperate. I’m waiting for the day when I can count on a friend who is almost just like me, who wouldn’t be scared to stand up by my side, who could’ve been there when no one showed up to my birthday party when I was little because everyone else was all busy.
Sometimes, I wish I was like everyone else, wishing I could fit in. Though there are times that I’m just so grateful to be the weird one, to be the odd one, to be the goofy one, to be the crazy one. To be me.
*”Anak” means “child” in Tagalog.